Failing at life

I am having the kind of day that has me feeling as though I am failing at life. My morning started  with being kicked in the back by Blake who had snuck into our bed at some point during the night. Okay. Not the end of the world. Get up, wake kids, make breakfast and school lunches. Mycaela doesn’t want breakfast, follow argument on why she needs to eat before school, enter sulky face. Storm out of kitchen, now less than charmed, walk right into mother, suffer evil glare for mere existence, escape to bedroom to find clothes for the day. Follow shower, talk to baby, get dressed, chase kids to brush teeth etc. Time to do Mycaela’s hair and I notice, for the second day now, she is wearing a dirty school shirt *sigh* I ask, why if she was asked yesterday, when I let her go to school with a dirty shirt as I am lazy like that sometimes, is she wearing a dirty shirt AGAIN today when she has clean shirts in her cupboard. She glares at me, no answer, just glares. Crisis this child will drive me to drink I swear. This lead to me wrestling her into a clean shirt, while she cried and acted the injured party. I believe there was a threat about being wacked with a hairbrush and being given a reason to cry. I get to the point where it is now time to brush and tie up her hair. Why has your hair not been brushed I ask, again to no response. My resolve cracks a little more and she is told if she cannot look after her hair it will be cut short like Haedyn’s.

 

After all this it is now 6am, yes folks, 6am *shock* Time now to heard children out of the door, hand littles to nanny and get on the road. Tell nanny to please not do washing as the electricity is low, I have already spent an insane amount on electricity so feel either the mother or brother should have a turn to buy, and tell children to start heading to the car. Haedyn has decided today is a good day to take with him the entire contents of his bedroom. There were pillows for a sleep over, a cricket bat and soccer ball and some bags and other random paraphernalia, he was so loaded with crap that he actually got hislef stuck in the front doorway. Queue rather heavy sigh from me and less than polite mutterings under my breath while pushing him out of the door. It then of course takes him an age to get into the car and some more harsh words about just where he is shoving all his stuff. Side note, the back shelf is not an ideal place for a bag when it blocks the view from the rearview mirror. Already edgy, I get in the car, finally, and we are on our way.

 

Drop kids at the aftercare teacher’s house, who will drop them at school at a more appropriate time, spend a few minutes silently seething at D’s serious lack of sensitivity over a conversation we had briefly. Try my level best not to smack him upside the head while he keeps talking the biggest load of crap to fill the silence. Meh. Log onto Twitter on my phone, click on a link to a blog that literally has my crying until I cannot breathe. Enter another inane argument with D. *Sigh* Put on make-up and do best to send off ‘I do not want to talk’ vibes. Stop at petrol station to buy headache tablets. Get to work. Start working at twenty past seven, while watching my tea turn cold.

 

Notice that though we start work at 8 am, no one logs in until wells after nine, seethe quietly at my desk. Listen to very loud conversations in languages I do not understand all around me. Feel like I am working in a taxi rank. Get customer’s details from marketing, call customer, get told how useless our company is. Deal with irate customer, I actually agree with what he is saying. Send email to powers that be to rectify situation, this was at 9am, I am STILL waiting for a reply. Witness high levels of apathy and incompetence in department.

Listen to colleagues discuss everything from the Anthony Hamilton concert to their sex lives, loudly, inappropriately and in vernacular, with enough English for me to get the idea all the while wondering why I am the only one doing any work.

On that note I may be leaving this department shortly, but another post for another day.

Have stilted, luke warm chat with D on Whatsapp. Almost feel guilty for not liking him much right now, remember he has been a dick lately and resort to resentment over guilt.

It is now half past one. I have managed one break, which was a whole five minutes to make tea. I am in the worst kind of mood, now improved my one of the “ladies” in the office having taken her second hour long lunch break for the day. I am tired of doing all the work, I am done listening to them carry on like this is a social gathering and not a work place, I am angry and their lack of caring and professionalism and I am generally well over this place right now.

 

I am over fighting with my kids, done wishing D would catch a fucking wake up and be less grumpy and more considerate. I don’t feel like pretending to be nice to anyone and most of all, and this is why I feel like I am failing at life, I feel really fucking guilty for not feeling all warm and fuzzy and grateful for what I have.