Now and then

For whatever reason I have always found writing a lot harder when I am happy or at peace. There seems somehow to be less I need to express.

I can do happy, I can laugh out loud and I can smile and make jokes and live my happiness. I cannot live my negative emotions. I cannot sulk or shout in anger or lash out and be that person.

That is why I write through my frustrations. I write my sadness, I write my fear and anger, because it seems to offer the same relief without the same physical repercussions.

I spent some time reading some things I wrote while going through my last gut wrenching break up. I find myself wishing me now, could tell me then, that it was all worth it and that it would get better. I no longer feel that pain, but it is there, in those words, the words which help me understand why I am who I am now, why I want what I want now and why without a doubt there is nowhere I would rather be than right here and right now.

The break up in question really broke me, like literally left me questioning my value and the value of everything around me. Left me face down in a puddle of snot on my bathroom floor every night for at least a month. Made me lose sight of what really mattered, forced me to catch a wake up eventually by slamming into a solid brick wall.

I had been chatting to Geekguy online for the better part of two years, we fell in love, I packed up and moved myself and the cherubs to Cape Town in the hopes of happy families and riding off together into the sunset. Within a month we had broken up. Two weeks later, when I peed on a stick, there were two lines. To cut a long story short, he insisted termination, I refused, he left, I cried, he made me the bad guy for wanting to keep my baby, I hated him, we fought, we name called, he threatened to sue for custody, he asked for custody, I got my balls back, he accused me of using the baby as a weapon, I thought I was having a miscarriage, I was called a liar, we fought some more, he blamed me, I blamed him, I starting chatting more to D, I stopped caring so much what he thought, I stopped hurting and became determined to have my third baby and make something of my life, I moved back to Joburg, D and I fell hard and fast, Geekguy faded until a week before my due date, Geekguy was told to disappear, Geekguy signed over all rights to my Squishy, Squishy won the daddy jackpot when D stood up and claimed him as his own.

Today my Squish is 14 months old, D and I are engaged, and we’re working toward that “happily ever after” One step at a time. Its not easy, but so far it has all been worth it.

Where I was then and where I am now are two different worlds occupied by two different people. Yet I remain eternally grateful for that world and that girl, as they have made me who I am now, and right now I am kinda liking who I am 

Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end…

It’s been a while, a long while and to be honest I don’t remember exactly where to start. I used to blog, daily, about everything and nothing and it just happened. Every story has a beginning though and for the life of me I cannot remember where the last story started or just how it ended but this is my attempt at telling it again, maybe not from the very beginning, but this is where I am going to begin.

I am me, which for all intents and purposes is such a complex statement it would take forever to explain. I like that Meredith Brookes song, “Bitch”, I am mother, child, sister, lover, friend, employee and a whole bunch of other stuff too. I am sarcastic, straightforward, moody, dramatic, sweet, generous, caring, bitchy, shallow, mean, full of shit, open-minded, clingy, smart, annoying, helpless, strong and so much more. I am basically a walking contradiction. When I love, I love with all I have, I give more than I take, I sacrifice and build and plan and spoil. When I hate, I simply stop being present, life is too short for being civil for the sake of “peace”. If I don’t like you, I am not likely to acknowledge your existence, ever.

My story has twists and turns. It has moments so beautiful you want to put them in a little globe so every time you shake it sparkly glitter floats dreamily around the moment, storing it in perfection for eternity. It has moments that are so heart breaking that you want to bury them beneath all the moments that seemed better, and easier. Yet I would not take one moment back, not a good one or a bad one, each one of those moments has brought me to here and now.

Here is not perfect, it is filled with its own problems and trials and things that I’d like to bury.

Now is not perfect, I have a long way to go. D is not perfect, he makes me mad sometimes, sometimes I find it a challenge to even like him but at times all it takes is the thought of him to warm me up from the very bottom of my being until loves emanates from every pore. Our relationship is not perfect, in fact it’s not easy and though I have my doubts one thing of which I am certain is that it is worth it. We will still be going back and forth on many things many years from now. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. His love makes me want to try harder and to do better and he has in abundance all that I lack. He does not complete me, for I am pretty damn complete even without him but I cannot imagine my life without him.

The cherubs, or my kids, have taught me more than anything or anyone EVER. They are the only three people on this planet who can solicit sympathy from me without making me feel like I am trying too hard, they make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me proud enough to burst and they make me cringe. They are my sun and my moon, they control the tides of my life, and there is nothing in this world I would not do for them, and I do mean nothing.

So this is almost a preface, an idea, an outline, the bit you do in koki before you colour the rest with crayon. Something to create an idea, while I create the picture.

I’m off to find me some crayons, with a little luck I’ll find some that sparkle