On updates and life

Life works in cycles. Sometimes nothing happens. This is when we are likely to complain about being stuck in a rut. Then sometimes everything happens all at once. This year has been a lot of everything all at once. A lot.

D transferred to cape town at the beginning of February, as we had planned. Only once there other factors came into play. The date for my job in cape town kept changing, D had someone use his bank account to commit fraud (which the bank holds him responsible for) and due to non performance of the sales team he was retrenched. So yes, a lot.

There is so much more that went on here, I was lied to and it broke my heart. D was called names and accused of things I know he didn’t do. I was hurting a lot and got into a nasty fight or two defending the person I was most angry at. We lost our house and had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep our heads above water.

In an aside, the people throwing accusations and threatening my family really left a bad taste in my mouth. Everything that happened almost tore my family apart. My kids have been hurt, our relationship is still recovering and it was just unbearable to feel so judged, mostly by people who have never met me, based on another person’s actions. I love D even if I was lied to, even if shit gets hard. A real adult relationship requires working through issues rather than walking away. Unless or until you have chosen to love someone through thick and thin and actually worked at it every day, don’t judge what we have.

In essence cape town is completely off the cards. I am managing our newest store. D has just started a new job and we should be moving into our own, much smaller, place come month end. Things are getting better now. I have no doubt we’ll pull through this as we have through so many other challenges.

I will admit having been very self indulgent over the last few months. I have been so absorbed in my life and my job that I haven’t been much good to the people in my life. I have missed so much and I am sorry. I feel very disconnected and I know it’s my own fault. I do fully intend though to make more effort in future.

I have also had a lot of time for reflection. The concept of family has been playing on my mind. I want robins be able to say I miss my mom. The truth is I don’t. I do definitely feel like I’m missing out on a special relationship, but don’t feel like I ever had that with my mother. It’s not her fault. It just didn’t work and probably never will. Too much history and too many hurt feelings.

I also recently had a nasty spat with my sister. Usually these exchanges leave me feeling bruised and guilty, she so often points out the ugly things I hate about myself. This time though, I just felt deflated. Drained. I felt the whole thing was just stupid. We’re fighting about feelings that are years old. The same insults, same bullshit as always. I did realise though that had there been any truth to her insults I would have felt more hurt by them. Which brought home for me the fact that though we are related, we are strangers. We don’t talk, I don’t know how she drinks her coffee. I don’t know what her biggest worry is right now. I don’t know what my niece wants to be when she grows up. I can’t actually remember the last time I had a conversation with her that didn’t feel strained. I’m torn between being devastated because she used to be my best friend and just accepting it as a natural progression thing. She was always the first person I’d phone, happy or sad. She’s done so much for me in my life. Like a lot. It’s very sad that we’ll probably never get back there.

I honestly feel no tangible tie to the family I grew up with. When you look at it, we’re all deeply damaged people, all looking for love and acceptance and not finding it from each other so rather blaming and fighting and hurting each other. The irony is I love these people fiercely. My sister who doesn’t realise how strong and how smart she is. My brother who doesn’t try even though if he did he’d be great. My little sister who hides her beautiful soul behind a smart mouth. My mother, for everything that happened has this way of making things ok. My only wish for her is that one day she finds someone or something that can make everything ok for her.

My family now, exists with D and my children. My children who I love with everything that I am despite not always being the best mother to them. I have made really crap decisions. They have gone through so much they shouldn’t have. I’m not going to make excuses. I have screwed up probably more than I’ve gotten it right. My mission from now until forever is just to ensure they know they are loved. Fiercely, infinitely and without condition.

Life is fluid, constantly changing, always moving. I need to be more mindful of what I let pass in the stream.