The beginning of the up curve

It would appear that the first rays of sunshine can now be seen permeating the dark cloud that had settled over my life last week. D started a job today, it is not a great job, but he is working, for which I am incredibly grateful. I will not dwell on having left home at half past five this morning instead I shall remain happy that my fiancé is gainfully employed and that things will finally start to get better.

Renovations on our house begin today, so we will have keys on the first, move in on the fifth and then life can actually carry on. I look forward to it in a big way! I cannot wait to just have my own space and to not have to deal with my mom’s constant negativity.

Things are definitely on the up and I am grateful, believe me I am super grateful, yet, there is this nagging feeling at my core reminding me not to get too comfortable cos things change often and without warning. So I am cautiously optimistic at this point.

The best part is that D is easier to live with knowing that he will be working, he doesn’t mope and feel sorry for himself half as much and I dare say, I find him quite sexy when he shaves and gets dressed for work, and bothers to put gel in his hair and smells divine  That, that smart guy, that is who I fell in love with. We went to his uncle’s house for a braai on Saturday which I detest having to do, but I put on a happy face and go, it is his family and the kids tend to have fun, so I go. I am always angry by the time we leave, his family doesn’t like me, I can tell. They look down their noses at me and constantly make me feel like I am not good enough to be in their company. Also I get to hear how D’s mom has been letting them all know how I am not good enough for her son. This from the same woman who I supported both financially and emotionally after she left her twelve year old boyfriend. I am not good enough for her son, who I have supported through two job losses in six months, her son who has been moping and feeling sorry for himself while I found him a job. Yeah, she’s right, he is way too good for me. So being me, I go off at D, tell him I am not marrying into a family who hates me. He gave me that look, the one that makes me feel awful, the pained look he gives me when I go off without just cause *sigh* He managed to rationally explain to me, that he loves me and he wants to marry me and that we will be our own family. He doesn’t care what anyone else says, and if he ever hears anyone say anything there will be hell to pay. I smiled at him and thanked him but deep down, there is still this feeling that no one wants us to get married  Now generally I am all fuck the people who cares blah blah blah, but I have been down lately *duh* and it just feels like everything is met with opposition and sometimes it just takes too much effort to keep fighting and keep trying. I have never been anything but totally nice to D’s family, yet his sister in law is all fussed over and offered drinks etc while I pretty much get ignored or lectured on how I am raising my children. So right now I am all family, bah humbug! Our new nanny has started and I really hope this is a long term relationship. I was seriously heart broken when the last one absconded, like really. Otherwise, not too much happening in the land of us, my mood is slowly improving so who knows by then end of the week I could be doing cartwheels, I wouldn’t put money on it but it’s not impossible 

Can I have some cheese with my whine please?

This week has been a bit blue around the edges, I am not in a good head space and in fact this is the longest I have been stuck in a funk for a very long time.  No matter how much I play with the puppy or spend time with my kids, I just cannot shake this feeling of gloom and doom.

Work is a hard place to be right now, I do not understand 90% of what is being said around me at any given time of the day, the woman who sits opposite me spends about three hours a day on personal calls, so I know more about her personal life than my own.  I do not even understand the language she speaks but I am well aware of having to hear the same story seven or eight times a day.  This same person is ALWAYS late, sometimes two minutes, sometimes ten.  Yet she is the only person who always takes lunch and tea breaks which you can believe are extended as well, I know this because she always has her lunch time before mine, and often, in fact almost daily, my lunch time is a good ten minutes shorter than it should be.  The real cracker in the story is, she is never in kak for anything cos her and our manager are best pals.  FUCK.  I have no words for just how much this pisses me off.  And I can’t talk to my manager cos she treats me like I am wrong any way, I am constantly told to ask for help, when I do I get treated like I am an idiot for having asked.  My frustration levels are very high.  I don’t know if I am supposed to go to my manager’s superior and tell her I am unhappy, or just suffer in silence.  I.  Just.  Don’t.  Know.

On the home front, we’re like two weeks away from the move, I am both excited and nervous as hell for this.  D is still not working so it is a lot of pressure on me, and I am feeling the pressure.  Our relationship is currently rather strained, and I haven’t even put my engagement ring on for a week.  D, as he is now, is not the man I agreed to marry, so that is my reasoning on that one.

Add that while Monster seems to have gotten over his academic difficulties, Princess has some serious behavioral issues, which her teacher feels an urgent need to attend to.  The child has lost a year’s worth of stationery in like two months.  She is behaving badly at home as well.  This sends me into another spiral of guilt about how I should spend more time with her and try to understand what is wrong.  Fact is, I have to work.  I have no choice.  I cannot be at work and still be there for my kids 24/7.  I try, God knows I try, but I am away from home for more than 12 hours a day to pay the bills, and I feel like it is at the cost of my kids and I am an awful mother L 

See why I am gloomy?  Not one part of my life is functioning as it should.  I am fighting many battles here and am losing the war.  The cost to surrender, my sanity.

I mostly want to cry all the time, but am never alone to be left to do this.  I constantly am surrounded by people who expect things from me.  At work I need to remain professional, I need to make customers feel like I give a shit, I have to say things like “Have a lovely day.” And right now it takes so much effort it is almost a physical pain.  At home I am either being mommy’ed or baby’ed.  I get that my kids want to talk to me, but like I told Monster last night, mommy is feeling a little sad right now, we can talk later.  D constantly asks what is wrong when he catches me in a corner, tears brimming in my eyes, and for the sake of not fighting or causing an trouble I just brush the tears away and say nothing, or I am tired.  It always ends with an accusatory, “What have I done now?” I wish I could get it through his thick skull, not everything is about him or for him or because of him, he is not in fact the centre of my universe.  He will only ever come 4th, after my kids. 

I have not spoken a word to my older sister since the whole fight after she read my blog, and it makes me sad to realize I don’t even miss her, we spoke so seldom that I don’t even feel the difference now that we are not speaking at all.  My mother is being oddly nice for now, think she has accepted we are leaving and is quite happy to see us go for her own reasons.

I feel like I have been whining a lot lately, but in truth only here and on twitter, IRL I am quiet as anything, which for anyone who knows me, is very unusual.  I just don’t have words right now, not good ones or bad ones for anyone around me.  I am existing, not living.

This will pass, I know that logically, but it scares me to death that I caught myself wondering just how many sleeping tablets you would need to take for the dose to be lethal.  Don’t get me wrong I am not about to off myself, I would never do that to my kids, but I thought about it, that scares me.

Then, another thing, when I feel like this, when I have so little to hope for and am dying inside, all my “friends” are so busy with their own lives, not a thought for all the times I put my shit aside to be there for them, not a single thought.

I am hoping, a lot of sleep, some serious alcohol consumption and no work will help with my mood, so I am just gonna wait for today to end so I can retreat to my shell.

On being not so ok….

Wanna join me, smack bang in the middle of yet another existential crisis?  Good, come in, help yourself to some vodka, feel free to take of your shoes, relax, don’t let the bright colours scare you.

So my life has been chaotic of late, I have been trying for the longest time now to pretend everything is ok.  Reality check.  Everything is not ok.  Everything is far from being ok.  I am not ok.  I do not know where or when this feeling will end.  Right now.  I.  Am.  Not.  Ok.

I cannot pin point the beginning of the downward spiral, I cannot say it was Tuesday just after lunch when this feeling of dread chose to descend upon my otherwise calm life, it’s been creeping up and has now kicked me full force where it hurts most.  I feel utterly hopeless, like nothing is working and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Now for the record, I am not one who is prone to dark clouds and thunder and anxiety etc, I am the eternal optimist, I want to believe the best always, but sometimes life has other plans for me.  D is still not working, the IT business thing seems to have fallen to the wayside as his “friend” is unreliable and just plain pathetic actually.  We are moving in two and a half weeks, I am under a LOT of pressure and right now I am just frustrated and wondering if this is going to be my life for the rest of my life.  If that is the case, someone please kill me now ok?

I am not feeling sorry for myself, it annoys me that I send 30+ CVs for D everyday and that he is still not employed.  The bulk of his work experience is in a family owned business, this apparently makes him less employable.  He is a qualified pilot but has been told he is the wrong colour for that industry, he works freaking hard and still cannot find a job.  Why would nobody give him a chance?

Everything that has been going on is taking its toll on our relationship as well.  For the first time since we have been together I have actually noticed when other guys flirt with me.  The fact that I am able to notice any man other than D on a not strictly platonic level means something is very wrong.  I am loyal almost to a fault.  I told him this last night, in the interest of full disclosure and honesty, he didn’t seem to upset.  Gah!  I hate where we are right now!

Work carries on regardless, only I find customer services and corporate communications is not the best place to be when you are feeling down and irritable, it has made this week a challenge in a big way.  Also the people I work with make me more annoyed, with all their personal calls and nonsense.  They do not know what professionalism is, it annoys me, but then so does most stuff these days.

Also adding to my unhappy levels are people who only contact you when they want or need something from you.  You know the fair weather friend types.  I have a few people in my life, for whom I have done a lot, right now I feel like I am barely keeping my shit together and they do not even know.  I get that we all have our own shit going on, but why now when I could really use a friend does no one actually have the time?  Makes me wanna delete twitter and facebook and just become recluse.

This is just me ranting, wondering if things will ever get better.  Maybe tomorrow the light will dawn and I will feel more positive.  Right now I could use a miracle, or at least a large amount of alcohol and one of those ugly cry till you can’t anymore dronk verdriet moments.

I have weathered so many storms, and lived through so many rainbows, but right now dancing in the rain just sounds like too much work.

Party of one thanks

In my little corner of reality today, I am having a woe is me, big time, pity party. I feel horribly sorry for myself. I am pre menstrual, I feel bloated, my life is a bit shitty and all I want to do is curl up in bed with a book, loads of wine and dark chocolate and only Matchbox 20 for company. The pity party is because, let’s face it, I have three children under ten, a fiancé who is high maintenance and a full time job which currently is making want to chew through my wrists, so my *wants* will not be realized, not in this century anyway.

I am so damned sick and tired of being the only white person in my department, I am over being treated like a child and being spoken to like I am stupid. Just yesterday my manager asked why I had not done something, I gave her an explanation, one which did not satisfy her, so instead of doing the professional/mature thing and telling me she was unhappy, she shoots off with, “lame excuse, try another one.” I was gob smacked. Seriously?! Really?! This is my superior?! It was uncalled for and completely unprofessional, I was offended and told her so, and now have been ignored since. Everyone else has gone back to speaking languages I do not understand and excluding me as far as possible. When I am spoken to the level of condescending is almost tangible, again I must remind you, this from people who would likely assume tangible is an orange fruit. *insert random curse and swear and screech here*

 So last night I tried to have a talk with D during a quiet moment, I tried to broach the employment subject without it being a fight, suffice to say he got defensive, I cried, again, and I don’t think we really solved anything. I can totally understand the frustration on his part, I get the whole “I am man” nonsense and I am sure he is deeply affected by feeling like he has failed his family because he is not able to support us financially. But I tried being patient, nothing happened, I tried getting angry, again nothing, so now I have resorted to pretending its not happening and just making plans, this, for some reason seems to have prompted action. If only I had known this like a few months ago. Anyhoo, he has a few interviews lined up, please everyone, pray, cross fingers and toes, do a dance or bay naked at the moon if that is your thing, and help us generate enough positive energy to get him employed. I need this to work, like REALLY need. So any help, no matter how far fetched, would be greatly appreciated.

My mother is away from Thursday to Monday, my sister will be with her boyfriend, so I am hoping for a quiet and uneventful weekend, sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Time to sleep, to veg and to spend some decent time with the little’uns  Sounds awesome to me!

My business is about to take off, I have a genius friend who has designed my logo, business cards, flyers and is busy with my website as well, I cannot wait to get this going, I love doing make-up, and have some great support in the industry, and am just thrilled to be able to do this.

Pity party aside, I know things are on the up, things will get better, but for now, is an hour’s quiet, a glass of wine and lots of DARK chocolate really too much to ask?

Today…

So today, this Tuesday morning, I am caught between feeling queasy and panicked and despondent and numb.  Interesting variation I am sure.  Thing is I am a bit panicked about the fact that we move in three weeks, great awesome, cannot freaking wait!  BUT, D is still not working, the guy who’s business he was meant to be running is not providing the support he promised, so that is pretty much dead in the water.  In blatant terms, he is not providing an income, which means my less than extravagant earnings are our sole source of money.  See panic.  Then despondent and numb cos, well frankly I am not sure how much more I can give here before I reach breaking point.  I send out dozens of CV’s and applications etc for D every day, he stays home and watches TV.  I don’t know whether to scream at him or just say, you know guy, this right here, this is not what I had planned for my life, either fix it or go away.  That probably sounds harsh, but right now I am broke, frustrated and genuinely tired.  I leave home at 5:30am to get home for around 6:30pm and do any and all freelance work I can get my hands on as well.

I may sound very petty for my moaning, but seriously, I am so angry that I don’t get to have relaxed time with my children, I hate that I never have any money for myself even though I work freaking hard for what I get, it kills me that though I need a new car that is pie in the sky since I have amassed huge amounts of debt keeping us afloat through D’s unemployment and my car needing repairs etc.  I miss employed D, the guy who valued his time with me, the guy who had a sense of purpose.  Yeah he was great, I wanted to marry that guy.  Unemployed D, maybe not so much.

To his credit here, it is not really his fault he is battling to find employment, the bulk of his work experience is in a family owned business.  For some reason this equates to him being unable to cope in the corporate world, which for the record is crap.  His family lost their business when his dad committed suicide, his mother lost interest and squandered the inheritance and so the business, house, cars etc all had to go.  He managed to survive in the corporate world until he was unfairly dismissed in August last year.  I just freaking wish with all that I am, that someone would give him a chance.  He works hard, when he does, and is loyal, almost to a fault.  Honestly, without trying to pretend love conquers all, I am just not sure anymore how long our relationship is likely to last under current conditions.  It’s not even about having nice things, it’s about surviving right now.

So despite constantly fighting the urge to either kill someone or cry till I just can’t anymore, things are ok. 

Work carries on regardless, people need information, I need a salary.  Favoritism is still rife, seems being the only person not of colour means I am the only one who needs to be held accountable for my actions.  I am actually past the point of letting it be an issue right now.  Can’t be bothered to waste energy caring.

My mother has been oddly nice of late, not totally going off at me and even her passive aggressive behavior seems to have lessened.  Odd but it does make the next three weeks a lot easier.  Once the move is over I can just ignore her existence.  It is what I need for my own sanity.

There is so much joy and happiness around me right now, so many new beginnings, so many reasons to smile.  Yet here I sit, I feel like life is happening without my participation as I watch it go by.  I am just a bystander for now, unless or until something jolts me to participate.

Insanity and impatience

So without much thought, I have come to the conclusion that I am not a zen/calm/go with the flow/patient/maternal/sympathetic type person. D is sick, he has a cold. He acts like he has ebola and his death is imminent. Fuck. I cannot handle the moaning and whimpering and seeking of sympathy. You have a cold. Man up and farking deal with it.

See. Sympathy, just not my forte.

In other news, travelling with my sister, for the sake of saving money etc is starting to drive me bonkers. Scratch that. I may in fact hurl myself out of her car under the wheels of a moving truck, she annoys me THAT much. She drives like an idiot, bitches about people not letting her in, while NEVER letting other people in. *sigh* Also when she talks, there is a “hey” or “huh” or “hmm” at the end of every sentence. That guy is an asrsehole hey? My driving isn’t that bad hmm? The traffic is bad huh? It is like she needs me to validate EVERYTHING she says. Kill me please? Put me out of my misery.

Life has this tendency to carry on though you are not quite ready for it to. Time does not wait or slow down just because you have stuff you need to do. I feel like I haven’t had enough sleep in weeks, there is always something else that needs to be done. I do wonder if I will ever feel like I have done enough and cut myself some slack. Most likely not. I feel like I need a pause button right now. I need to move and get on with my life, don’t get me wrong, but I need a little more time here and now to sort out the here and now stuff.

I know it won’t happen and spending any time dwelling on that will actually waste the little time I do have. Maybe if I could find a way to switch my mind off for a while? Just don’t know that I can.

Eh, enough of the bitching and moaning for now I guess, onto that thing consuming all my time, that thing called work.