I must be the only person on the planet who looks forward to Monday like it is Christmas. Our weekends of late have been the furthest thing from pleasant for the last two months or so. With the atmosphere with my mother we end up holed in our bedroom with little more to do than stare at the tv. As I am sure you can well imagine, this close proximity and lack of freedom does tend to heighten the ‘fight about petty crap’ senses. It has been rough, I do wonder sometimes if we will actually still love each other when this is over.
I don’t want to spew details of the situation with my mother, suffice to say however I do not give a hairy rat’s arse how she treats me, I am over it, I am beyond caring and I have wasted enough tears and angst on that specific issue. What KILLS me is her indifference and sometimes nasty treatment of my children. They are her grand children yet she has described them as mistakes and the worst thing I ever did to my family. Yes. That folks is why she has gone too far this time. My ten year old told me the other day that he thinks he understands why some children are mean even though they have lots of nice stuff. Intrigued I asked him why he thought they were mean. He told me maybe their mothers treat them the way granny treats me, and they are mean because they are sad. My heart broke, knowing that I have exposed my child to this level of nastiness.
Now for all my faults, and I know I have many, I have as far as is humanly possible tried to surround my children with love. The fact that they now are experiencing the same worry over wondering why someone doesn’t love them that I did has made me realize that this influence is no longer welcome in our lives. Grandparents are supposed to dote on and adore their grand children. Now I understand it is different because my kids have lived with my mother for so long at intervals over the years. My feelings remain the same, they are just children, children are naughty and they deserve better than to always be yelled at and looked down on. They deserve better and will have better. I will make sure of it.
It brings home to me the idea of how relationships evolve and change all the time. My mother and I have had periods where we have gotten along really well, but there is always this vibe boiling beneath the surface. I have never shared my most intimate thoughts with her. There are a thousand things she doesn’t know about me or my life and she never will. She has no idea the things that have happened to me to make me who I am. My older sister and I used to be best friends, these days she is like a stranger to me. She has no time for me and often I feel judged by her. I feel as though she only sees my mom’s side of everything and she feels I am the one who is wrong. That is ok, another progression or evolution of a relationship. I know she has been through a lot and she has a lot going on in her own life, I truly do understand. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss my sister. My younger sister and I recently made peace, we are not exactly braiding hair and talking about boys but we are talking, it helps me feel like we have grown up a bit. I think with everything else I am now ready to let go of the past on all fronts. I need to forgive her and myself for everything that has happened. It is just time. My brother is a different story. I am not ready to even begin to explain my feeling around him, suffice to say he and my mother have been lumped into the same category for now.
The evolution of my relationship with D is quite something. It is the single most normal and ‘grown up’ relationship I have ever had. We argue and disagree but we always come back to loving each other. We are comfortable and open with each other. Honestly, I have never been so honest with anyone, ever. He loves me despite my imperfections, he weathers my moods and smiles through the hard times. He holds my hand when all I want to do is give up and he believes in me when I can’t find the strength to care. I know we sometimes take each other for granted, I think it happens when your life is as full and crazy as ours’ is. I always know though that he is my safe place to go at the end of the day. He always knows how to fix things for me and as lame as it sounds he keeps me grounded. He reminds me to let go sometimes and is the calm to my frantic, the laid back to my control freak and the honest to my sarcastic. We balance out so well which makes parenting, running a household and basically just building a life together so much easier.
Relationships are hard. I wake up every day and have to choose to love him. I have to choose to work at what we have and I have to do the work. I often see people who say they are tired of being single and find myself wondering if they know how much easier it is. Then at night while I moan about my day with my head on D’s chest while he rubs my back and makes all the right noises, I realize what they miss and why they want to be involved. I wouldn’t change what we have for anything, it is not easy but then nothing worth having ever is.
Right now things are a bit tense and life has not been all moonshine and roses. I have no doubt that this will change. Things will get better. I will do what I need to do for me and for my family. I need to get over whatever sense of duty or guilt binds me to my mother and make decisions for my children so that I can break the cycle and prevent them growing up feeling inadequate. They are perfect, to me anyway, and I never want anyone to let them believe otherwise.
So folks I have to believe, if only for my own sanity, that from here it is onward and upward.