Realisation of random

I have come to a long over-due realization, I don’t actually owe anyone anything.  Now not to sound ungrateful I owe many people, well ok not many, but I owe some people an eternal amount of gratitude.  Beyond that, beyond being grateful for lessons, for kindness and for understanding and opportunities I don’t owe anyone anything.

 

Yet over and over I find myself going above and beyond for certain people.  I let a lot slide, a crazy amount actually from various sources and frankly, right now, I have had enough. 

 

Let me put everything in perspective, from the time Princess was four months old I have for all intents and purposes been a single mom.  Yes the ex was around, but he was forever leaving for up to three months at a time, he never worked for more than a month in that time and he literally stole everything of value I owned to buy either drugs or alcohol.  He abused me financially, emotionally and physically and it took him almost killing me in front of my eldest child for me to walk away for good.  Let me be honest to the point that I have never received a single cent in maintenance for either of my older kids, I have been a mother for almost a decade and not once in that time have I had a sperm donor support my child/ren or me to be fair.  No support financial, emotional or otherwise from paternal family at all.

 

The reason I feel compelled to spell this out is simple.  I understand as well as if not better than most people what it means to battle.  I can remember being a mother of two at the age of 19, having just had the ex walk out on me again, not having a cent to my name, locking myself in my bedroom and crying until I couldn’t cry anymore at not knowing what the hell I was going to do.  We survived.  We always do somehow.

 

Fast forward to today.  I have met the man I am going to marry, we are expecting baby number four and we are happy.  We do not by any stretch if the imagination have a lot, not in terms of material or financial means anyway.  That said, what we have we have fought really hard to have.  D was unemployed for pretty much half of last year, with this I incurred a ludicrous amount of debt, insane how quickly it happens actually.  This means I have very little of my salary as actual fluid income at the end of the month.  In fact our disposable income in non -existent.  That said, we always get by.  We never have the wheels fall off completely, and at the end of each day, when it is just us in our bed, after we have checked on sleeping children, we are so incredibly happy and the love that exists in that space can withstand so many things, we know because it has.

 

We are both incredibly generous with our time and love, we accept so much from so many people and as such often find ourselves hurt when people take advantage.  We have been very supportive to B, D’s brother through his divorce, we never judged him for choosing to leave, we never asked any questions, we didn’t point fingers or blame, we just provided him with a space where he could go to be loved and supported.  We had a moment with him last week, where I felt incredibly judged, and was so hurt by the fact that I imagine it will be a while before he and I are ‘friends’ again.

 

I loathe people who take things for granted.  People who do not understand what is important and who put themselves ahead of everything and everyone else.  I feel justified in being annoyed because I can honestly say the last time I though just of myself was when I was 16 years old, before I saw two lines on a home pregnancy test.

 

I know what it is to want more.  I know how it feels to have nothing and no one.  I have hit rock bottom a few times.  I have never backed down from my responsibility.  I raised my kids, alone for the most part and can only hope one day they will understand how hard it was and how I may have made bad decisions but I was not equipped to do better.  I hope they know I chose them over money and material possessions.  I chose to raise them rather than give them to my sister as was suggested or my mom because still today to my very core I believe no one will ever love them as much as I do.

 

I may be rambling and swinging between topics but my point is there.  I need people to understand that it is so incredibly hard for me to allow people close to me.  I have huge trust issues, I have been so badly hurt in the past it’s a wonder I am not a hermit.  The fact that I still despite or maybe even because of this am a nice person, well most of the time, pregnancy hormones permitting, is a big achievement in my mind.  The fact that people still try to impose their own short comings and negativity onto my life bugs me, the fact that at the end of the day people still take advantage of kindness and the fact that people genuinely just seem to care about themselves has left me with little hope.

 

I am sad because I tried so often just to feel as though I fell short.  I am sad that despite my best efforts to be nice I am the one who ends up miserable when people take advantage.  I have bitten my tongue and brushed my own feelings aside so many times I have lost count.  I have allowed others to come before me in my life and as of right now, I have had enough.

 

I actually do matter.  My children matter.  My relationship matters.  My space and boundaries matter.  And to me, they matter more than anything else that anyone else is going through.  I have chosen to work on mine and my family’s happiness, the rest can wait.

 

Grumpasaurus :/

I always seem to come back here when life is less than ideal.  I don’t seem able to write the warm and fuzzies, rather this is a space for me to vent since I am unable, in most cases, to just say what is on my mind  in reality.

The most depressing thing in my life right now is work, not my job, work.  I did a calculation this morning which confirms according to static system based information, that my work load accounts for 78% of total ‘cases’ on our CRM system.  If there were two of us this would be ridiculously unfair right?!  There are three of us.  I am pregnant, and have high blood pressure and have been told by various health professionals I need to not push myself.  That said I am not given the time in the day to go to the toilet, let alone make tea or take lunch.  When I do have a chance to eat something it’s a pack of crisps from the vending machine which I will ask someone else to get when they are on lunch.  If I get tea it is because one of the nice people in another department felt sorry for me and brought me some.

So everyone is thinking why not just take lunch then?  As I have previously expressed, I am the only white person in the department, as such am ignored through 90% of conversation and as such when lunch times and breaks are discussed it is outside of my comprehension.  By the time everyone else has finished with their, extended, breaks it is almost always 3 o’clock, by which time I need to wind up for the day and ensure all my admin is up to date.  See while other people get away with leaving stuff hanging, lord help me if I am not spot on with everything all the time

I am exhausted.  I have taken Friday and Monday off to have a break, or I swear I am literally going to kill someone. 

I only hope that home is somewhat calmer than it has been.

Having someone who is not family live with you is an adjustment, more so when there is a baby included.  I never imagined my home could be more chaotic than it was, I have been proven wrong in a big way.  Chaos is fine, we have a big family and it would be unrealistic for me to assume I would ever have another quiet moment at any time over the next 21 or so years.  That said, my urge to hide in the bathroom seems to be popping up more and more often these days.  Perhaps said chaos and pregnancy hormones don’t mix.

Personal space seems not to exist for me these days.  I am not safe when standing naked in by bedroom, someone will want something, always at the most inappropriate time.  A lost school tie, a dog chewing something an opinion on some arb fact.  I do sometimes miss the freedom of onlyhaving to think and act for myself.  I have a lot for which I am responsible and being a control freak I take it all very seriously and expect it done in a very specific way.

I currently loathe people who come into my space and complain about my kids or my animals, word to the wise here, you are in THEIR space, why don’t you make a few adjustments rather than expecting everyone to work around you.  Also on the loathe list people who cannot man the fuck up and take responsibility for their own shit, it really isn’t that hard, just do it.  Add people who take nice things and people for granted and I am already drafting a list of people to kill in my hormonal head.

I try incredibly hard at most times to be a good friend and mom and fiancé and daughter and sister, but the plain and simple honest truth is that I am really fucking tired.  I don’t have anyone who bails me out when I fall short on anything.  I am so over being the giver in most situations.  I am tired and worn out and want o hide in my shell for a bit.

I get that I am grumping and moaning but I am willing to bet if you lived a week in my life you would be to.  For now I strongly suggest if you are not D or one of my kids, you’d be better off keeping your distance.