On madness, early mornings and needing to win.

So, like a complete moron, I let my cell phone battery run flat while at gym on Tuesday evening.  Get home all traaa laaa laa laa laa, like absolutely nothing in the world could ever get me down. 

I pull into the driveway, get out of the car to open the gate, wonder briefly why D’s car isn’t there and my brother is at the gate, “Don’t pull in.”, he says, “You have to go to the hospital.” Instantly my blood ran cold.

Turns out monster had been stung by a bee, and had a rather serious allergic reaction, chest spasms, hives, swelling and all.  He spent the night in the hospital under observation for fear of a secondary reaction, and although his chest is still a bit tight, he seems fine now.  For future reference, the kid must avoid bees at all costs!  He has been stung before, but never had a reaction, so it could honestly happen to anyone, at any time.

Anyhoo.  I got up extra early this am, and put my little plan into action.  I am doing my very best to get as many referrals for GirlGuides, so I can win the Vivienne Tam Netbook. 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=257594&id=590468935&fbid=460535553935

Let is never be said that I didn’t try!  I even forgot my lunch at home in the haste to leave the house.  So like seriously, if I don’t win, I reserve the right to cry, nay, sob and snot like a child who has just been told Santa doesn’t exist.

This prize could totally change my life, I could write my book and stop making excuses.  I can set up my business and get bust with making shit happen.

*crossing fingers and toes now*

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Day 7——> Someone who made your life worthwhile

So many people have entered and left my life at crucial points, they have taught me lessons and they have kept me sane, it would be hard to choose only one person.

I am also loathe to go with the kids and fiancé, as again, I feel that goes without saying.

In the interest of being different, I had two teachers at school, Mrs Blignault, who was my Afrikaans teacher and Mrs Hickman, who was my English teacher, were so important to me and how I turned out.

Mrs Blignault treated me like a super-genius, in all fairness I was super good at Afrikaans, she gave me individual writing topics a little more challenging than everyone else’s to keep me interested. She often referred to me as a dark horse, and believed in me, enough to tell me that if I didn’t write I would be wasting my talent.

At the same time, she gave a shit enough to give it to me straight, to tell me I was being petulant about bullshit, and that having a baby in standard nine was not a little mistake.

At the centre though, she cared, she gave a damn, she encouraged me and believed in me, and cried with pride when she saw me at our Matric Farewell. To this woman I owe so much, so, so much.

Then Mrs Hickman, bless her soul, who died of cancer when I was in matric, I sobbed, a lot.

She was the most eccentric and interesting person who swore at us in Hebrew when we didn’t behave. She told the best stories, and actually took time to listen to mine. She encouraged me to write, praised my ability to speak and gave so much of herself to my passion for words.

The only teacher who came to see me in the hospital when my son was born. She looked at his face and I saw her melt, she offered congratulations, she offered love and praise, I will be eternally grateful that though she was in the room with her 16 year old student, not once did it occur to her to judge me.

High school was hard for me. I had a baby in standard nine and went back to school to finish. I studied for my final exams whilst pushing his pram with my foot trying to get him to sleep. I didn’t party like all my friends did. I changed nappies, they got high.

These two women offered an understanding I so desperately needed. They were the wisdom, the love and the understanding my mother never was. Their belief in me gave me a reason to do things the right way.

Someone once told me, failure is not an option, so many people believe in you, it would not only be yourself you are letting down.

Day 6——> Something you hope you never have to do

Well in all fairness I have done many things in my life I had hoped never to have to do yet now I wouldn’t take a single thing back as each of those things has brought me to here and to this.

I think I would like to avoid the obvious here and not say I never want to lose someone I love, certainly NOONE wants that, like ever?

The thing I most want to never have to do, is to be a burden to my children. Now I have given myself good chance here, since when I am 80, my eldest child will be 63, haha, so hardly young enough to be saddled with changing his aged mother’s nappies. But seriously. I want to let my children have their own lives and their own families and to never have to support me be it physically, emotionally or financially.

I want to be the fun granny the grandkids want to visit, the one who secretly smokes dope and knits the coolest jerseys. I NEVER want my children to feel responsible for me in any way, they are my responsibility, I chose to bring them into this world, and so am tasked with giving them the very best of what they need to become functioning and well adjusted adults who can go on and do the same for their own families.

I would sooner swallow every pill a geriatric would possess before I allowed my children to feed, bath or clean me. I want particularly them, to remember me with dignity as opposed to my death being a weight lifted off their shoulders

I need to win dammit!

Ok so I don’t wanna be one of those sucky losers who uses their back story to get the “sympathy vote” or anything, but seriously, really, I need the Lenovo s10-2 netbook, like not it would be nicer than what I have, but I need it ok?

See the sad story, and it is sad, my Lenovo Think Pad, though she was a little older, was the centre of my world, and with the promise of something a little newer and a little prettier for my birthday, she was sold.  I literally cried, that there laptop had so many of my tears on her its a wonder she still worked.  That laptop is the ONLY link to sanity I had while living in CT.  Often my only link to the people I needed.

Needless to say, D lost his job, there was no money for a replacement.  We have three kids, he has only just started working again, my car just cost me R8000.00 to repair, which I had to borrow, bye bye 13th cheque 😦  So in all fairness, at this rate, I should have a new link to sanity around this time next year cos that is how long it’d take me to pay for it myself.

Sadness is 😦

This is why I need to win.  Please Girlguides, imagine being without your most prized posession.  I promise to give her a great home and to give her lots of attention, and love her like my 4th child 🙂

Day 5—–> Something you hope to do one day

This is easy as pie for me.

I hope to write.  I know haha, cos I am doing that right now but this isin a spare moment I grabbed between work.

I want to write my story.  The ups the downs, the being a mom before finishing school, the abusive relationships, the drugs, the sex, the mistakes, the good parts, the lessons, you know, the WHOLE story.

I don’t want to do it to shock people, I NEED to do it for me.  I need to see that story in black and white so I can let it go.

Also to tame my rather ernormous childish side, I want to write a series of childrens stories, I have the main character all figured out already, just need to work out the rest of the story.

I was born to write, have been told so since I started writing.  Ireally hope to realise this particular dream.

Day 4——-> Something you have to forgive someone for

Something I need to forgive someone for…this is both easy and extremely difficult for me.

I know who I need to forgive, but putting it in words, wow! I need to forgive my mother for not being the mother I needed her to be. It sounds harsh, since as a mother I know a mother can only do the best they know how with what they have available to them, but I honestly feel, at many points, my mother failed me.

Let me explain. Since as young as I can remember I was always my father’s favourite, now, I know parents are not supposed to have favourites, but for the record, and so we’re clear, this is not a choice I made, I never asked to be favoured, I was a child. So because of this my mother felt the need to always give me a little less than my siblings. They had nicer birthdays and were given more negotiation room on daily stuff, like bedtimes and curfews and sleeping out. Honestly, it didn’t worry me that much, well not until my dad died when I was 15.

I felt as though the bottom of my world had fallen out, my dad was gone, and boy did she let me know. She said something to me once, that plays in my mind, adds to my self doubt, and leaves me wondering just how awful I must be for my own mother not to love me. To quote her, “You are a spiteful little bitch who expects everything and takes everything for granted because your father always gave you everything you wanted.”

I need to forgive her. She is not a bad mother. She just didn’t get it right with me.

I was kicked out of her house for the first time at 17, tiny baby boy in my arms and not a clue how I was going to get through it. I did.

She has always held me to a higher standard, she does now even. My brother and older sister scraped through Matric, joyous celebrations ensued. I got through with 3 distinctions, despite having taken a term of in std 9 to have my son, and completing my matric year a mother. All I got was a half hearted, well at least you passed kinda speech. Doubly hurtful since when I fell pregnant she had wanted me to quit school and get a job, had my older sister, bless her soul, not insisted I finish school, I would now be a high school dropout, likely checking your groceries and Pick n Pay or the likes.

We have fought. We have name called. We have not spoken for loooooooong periods of time. I have never hated her. I have always just wanted her approval. She has never said she is proud of me, 25 years later. She makes me want to be a better mother to my own children.

I love my mom. But she is not a mother to me. Great with the siblings. She has her moments with my kids. She has had a hell of a hard life. I think I represent my father to her, so much resentment and no one to direct it at except me.

I have tried to let go. Have found gratitude for me, since without all of this, I might be entitled and full of myself like the siblings can be. My character, all that it is, is built on foundations of difficulty and is forged of life lessons, mostly learned the hard way. I am me, for all she has not been to me.

So I guess. I am sorry for making it so hard for you to love me. I forgive you for your short comings as I hope one day you will forgive me for mine. Thank you. For forcing me to learn how to be independent. For my strength. For all that is me

Day 3——–> Something you have to forgive yourself for

There is just so much, and I am so hard on myself that forgiveness seems like pie in the sky….but here goes…

I need to forgive myself for being so human.  It sounds so random maybe, but it encompasses pretty much all of what I have to forgive myself for.

I forgave, and gave second chances to people who didn’t deserve them, I trusted people and ignored my instincts, I gave all of myself until I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I am human, I have made mistakes, I have dragged my children along my journey with me and for this I need to forgive myself.

I have not been the world’s best mother, and I have not always made the best choices, but I did the best I could with what I had.  I was 17, had been kicked out of my mom’s house and had a four month old baby, you know, if I had known better I would have done better.

So, it is my humanity which I need to forgive.

Day 2——-> Something I love about myself

Hmmmm, this is not an easy post, not by a long shot.  I am my own worst enemy and my most harsh critic.

I think what I love most about myself is my capacity for understanding, love, acceptance and forgiveness. 

It takes a whole heck of a lot to actually make me angry, like a lot a lot.  In all fairness I get irritated, I swear, I curse, I have HECTIC road rage most days, and may or may not be in danger of being arrested for knocking down a pedestrian, as I no longer am willing to slam brakes to avoid hitting them, but in general, I am a calm, pretty easy going person.

I don’t trust easily, but when a person gets past my sarcastic exterior, there is very little I would not do for them.  I am the kind of friend who doesn’t get upset when you cancel our plans at the last minute, I  totally “get it.”

I forgive easily though I seldom forget.  I give a lot, sometimes until it hurts and expect very little if anything at all in return.  I am a great listener, and am always willing and ready to dispense some objective advice.  I do not buy into stereo types, I seldom if ever take things at face value, and I do my very best to see the good in people.

I may come across as naïve a lot, but in all honesty, I am ok with that, cos when my cynical self comes out, man does she comes out!

I have lost enough to know that life is short, and I do not intend to waste my journey be angry or resentful.  I am stringing together moments of epic awesomeness, so when I am 80 and senile, I can rock myself gently and smile while watching the reruns.