No apologies for not being around I find it trite and insincere. Life has been busy and hectic and I have been keeping with the whole if you have nothing nice to say, rather say nothing at all. Yes. Well. Last week started with both Kyra and Blake being very sick, think anti biotics, nebulisers and a lot of snot. I spent Monday and Tuesday home nursing my two babies. By Wednesday they were back to being happy and smiley and I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. Today my chest is still tight, I am still coughing and I have no voice. I am hoping my voice returns soon as my job involves a lot of talking.
On the home front, things remain the same. My mother still ignores us, we still generally keep to ourselves. It is miserable and no way to live but it will reach a head, possibly sooner rather than later.
Now the real stuff. Why did no one ever tell me just how hard being a mom is? No one tells you when they hand you a cherubic little bundle that that same bundle will break your heart, frustrate you, be your biggest achievement and still be the thing that you most feel you have failed at all at the same time? Why the hell do we think colic and reflux and getting up at night are hard?! I hate to break it to those with kids five and under but THAT is the easy part. It doesn’t get easier. Hell give me 21 years worth of nappies and bottles and cute baby cuddles over the actual each age to 21.
Those who follow me on Twitter will know that last Monday we experienced and incident where Haedyn took D’s Blackberry, without permission and he lied about it. My heart still constricts a little thinking about it. They were leaving for school/work and Haedyn took the phone out of the bag and put it into his pocket. D called his aftercare teacher to ask her to check whether he had the phone. He lied to her about it being a friend’s phone and he lied to us about having it when we asked. When, after much threatening about there being more trouble for lying, he confessed to having taken it and gave it back to us I did not have words, I actually just shut down and cried. D and he had a long talk and it comes down to him wanting to be cool like his friends at school who have fancy phones.
My issue is he asked if he could have the Blackberry and we discussed at length why I don’t feel he is ready to have one. He is ten for heaven’s sake. I do not feel he has the emotional maturity to be given free run of the internet and I do not believe he is responsible enough to own an expensive phone. Hell we still fight about keeping his fingernails cut. I explained to him that I am not being spiteful and he agreed that I make decisions because I love him and am doing what is best for him. Yet still, he took the phone, basically disregarding everything I had said, like a big eff you mom, I am going to do what I want regardless.
My heart aches. All I want, all I ever wanted was for my kids to be able to come to me with things, to not feel the need to lie and steal. I only ever wanted for them to be good people, honest people. It makes me sad that he feels pressure to be cool and that he thinks stuff makes you cool. I am sad that he couldn’t talk to me instead of going behind my back. It makes me sad that he has affected my ability to trust him now. How will I ever believe what he is telling me? What kind of mother am I then if my first thought is always going to be that he is lying to me?
Frankly, lets go back to getting up every hour at night. Let’s go back to projectile vomit and runny poo squelching from a nappy, let’s learn to talk and walk all over again, let’s go back to potty training and the days you thought I knew everything. I want to snuggle with you and watch Nemo. I want my baby back and I don’t want to have to deal with lies and stealing and a bad attitude.
Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be so damned hard?!!