Hello world, this is me…

This is the rather average face behind the random thoughts and expressions that exist here.

We are off on a break this weekend, a much needed break.  And here’s me battling to even like D right now.  We had a huge argument last night, today I left my ring at home and am having a hard time feeling the warm and squishies 😦

I know its not supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be THIS hard?

In other news, doesn’t look like Durban will happen, which just means it was never meant to be.  D has had a few promising interviews, so hopefull;y his unemployed status will soon change, for the better.

Work is ok, living with the mother and the siblings is a challenge, life seems exhausting right now and I have decided to join the gym.  Figure I may as well use my frustrations for good.

Right now, in my mind, I am lying on a white sandy beach and Johnny Depp serving me ice cold margaritas, ignore the glazed look in my eyes, for now I am in my happy place.

Yes please!!!!

It would appear that life is back on a bit of un upswing, HOORAY!!!!  D went for an interview this morning, and he says it went quite well J  The two positions he could potentially be placed in are at a slightly lower basic salary, but hey he would still get company car and petrol, so it’s not bad at all.

I also, after much though and imagination, have decided it is time to use my expertise to make some extra cash, goodness knows we could use it right now!  So since I am an *expert* on beauty I am going to host a ladies’ breakfast, where each lady brings along her own make-up bag and will be taught how to use what she has to create a new look and to maximize the beauty she was born with.  Call me soppy, but I honestly believe ALL women are beautiful.

Included will be a lovely table stocked with yummy munchies and coffee and tea and juice etc.  Then we will have a number of beauty and health type people around to offer advice and their details for order of products etc, ps great opportunity to market your stuff if you’re into beauty and smellies and stuff, and then we’ll workshop the make-up, where everyone will be given tips and advice on how to make themselves look awesome, also tips on how to use just a few products to create a number of looks.  Each person will get a nice gift for attending and your ticket numbers will be entered into a raffle to win some super great prizes.  All in all, a day for the ladies.  I need to work out costs, then will make tickets available etc.  I am pretty sure we’ll fill 30 chairs without hassle, and possibly do well enough to do this more regularly.  YAY!!!

Now I just need to get down to the logistics of it all, happy times and much planning ahead J

Like a Jackson Pollock canvas I am…

Life is funny, not like funny haha, but funny all the same.  It comes and goes, like the ebb and flow of the tides.  You have extreme highs and extreme lows, and times when you seem just to exist, without much of either.

Right now I feel like I am living in that existence, yet, because its my nature and all that, I instead of just existing, because that would be too easy right?  I am having an existential crisis.  I live in a permanent state of existential anxiety.  I find myself asking why D doesn’t seem to appreciate me as much as other guys seem to appreciate their significant others.  How come he never tries to kiss me or hug me at random?  Why don’t we have sex more?

Like really?  I do not know what is wrong with me.  Can I not be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW, for a certainty that I love the guy, that for most moments of the day I don’t want to squash him like a bug, and that to be totally fair, he puts up with a LOT of crap from me.  I know this, because there have been moments when I see it, as if from an out of body perspective.  There is me shrilly screeching about how he ALWAYS uses my towel, and FFS he has his own!!  Imagine foot stamping and dirty looks, like seriously the whole nine yards.  And he stands and watches this mad person, who, for whatever reason he loves, with this pained look on his face, as if waiting for the madness to pass.  He never fights back, he has never even raised his voice to me.  He just listens.  And waits.  And, for the most part, unduly, apologises for not being more considerate.  It is in these moments that self doubt creeps in.  How could he love me when I am such a bitch?

Funny thing is he does.  Funny things is I could not imagine not being with him.  I have NEVER allowed myself to depend on anyone for anything, well not past childhood anyway.  I find myself questioning everything about our relationship because I have realized I need him around, and that, more than anything ever has, scares the bejesus out of me.

Then there are the kids, a rather large slice of my every day.  Seems Princess is slightly and disturbingly preoccupied with death these days.  At the most inappropriate moments she shares her thoughts on the matter.  Walking through Pick n Pay, and she sees a sweet old lady half lying in her trolley, half pushing it.  And this little voice, from this sweet little face interjects the peace of Sunday afternoon with, “She’s pretty old mommy, I bet she’s gonna die soon.  Do all people go to heaven when they die mommy?  Do you think if she used to fight with her brother when she was little she’ll go to hell like Monster said I would?”  Insert evil glare from passers by and my mortification.  Try and explain to a hyper intelligent six year old that this is a conversation best kept for home.  This child of mine, she looks and thinks too much like me for her own good, I have a feeling when she hits teenage years, I am in for hell.

The boys somehow seem less work.  As long as they are clothed, fed (very important for growing boys) and entertained, you don’t hear much from them.  Monster is currently loving the idea of becoming a pro golfer, I reckon long as he’s good and can make the kinda money Tiger Woods makes, why not?  I get he is not so much an academic as he is creative and sporty and I would hate to be one of those mothers who kills his dreams with expected the impossible where school is concerned.  That said, he won the class speech contest on Friday *proudness*  His speech was about his hamster, Houdini, named well since the little bugger continues to escape his cage.

The Squish on the other hand, oh boy.  I am not that child’s mother.  I am merely the vessel he used to get here.  He is his father’s child through and through.  It is scary how similar the two of them are.  They frown the same, sleep the same and have the same ability to melt my heart.  Though their nicknames are shithead and little shithead, with good reason.  They both demand attention and get very sulky when they don’t get it.  Ah well, each member of my less than typical family adds something very important to it, and honestly, cringe worthy moments aside, I wouldn’t change anything, my kids are so going to be great adults one day, you just watch!

I have applied for a job in Durban too.  It is without doubt a HUGE step.  But I am giving it to the Universe, if I get the job ( at a much better salary ps) then that is where I  am meant to be, and how this is meant to happen.  Plus I like the sea, I loved living in CT and I think it could well work out.  But I haven’t had any feedback yet, and honestly have nothing to lose either way, so right now I am not letting it bug me too much.

I am not scared, I am just not sure about my future, which is a challenge for a control freak like myself.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and how that will make me feel.  For now I shall continue to dwell in my mind, I like it here, they know me J

No sorry, I think you have the wrong number, there’s no Patience here.

Ok, so apparently, even after three kids, patience is a challenge for me.

I loathe laziness and slowness and stupidity. I walk fast, talk fast, drive fast and think super fast. I value efficiency, I value the ability to stop neandering and just do it, I need for the rest of the world to share my sense of urgency.

I, unlike most girls, HATE shopping. I hate crowded places where people constantly bump into you and refuse to apologise, I hate when they talk loudly about their piles or whatever other disgusting medical issue they are currently having, I hate when some old lady at the till will pay for an entire trolley of stuff in just coins. I abhor, in totality, having to “pop in at the shop” on my way home from work. I hate how people walk aimlessly around the supermarket as though they genuinely have no business there. Am I really the only person who is like, ok need bread, milk and baby wipes, then try to get in and out as fast as I can? Really?

 Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand, so D was fired, or dismissed as they put it. I get that its tough for him, I do, but dude really, it is not something that will fix itself, a solution will require some input from him, I mean, duh, right?

So with his lack of employment and our being back with my mom, I leave home at the shocking hour of 5:30am, thank god for the live in nanny!!! My mom drops Monster(the boy child of 8) at school and picks him up later, cos she works super flexi hours, where I don’t, only to return home at like 6:30pm. Now even to those with no real concept of time, that is a kak long day.

When I get home I wanna spend some time with the kiddies, have some dinner, maybe squeeze in 5 minutes for me, and then give D some attention, before passing out to wake up at 4:30 and do it all again.

This is temporary. I will be fine. Things will improve. We will be fine. See, I am doing a great job of keeping my sense of humour for now.

So at like 4:55am, Monster comes into the kitchen where I am making his lunch for school and asks, “Mommy, where are my school shoes?” Now its not even 5am, and this kid has been told fifty gajillion times in the past to get his school clothes ready at night, so my eye is ticking in annoyance though it is not completely open, and I tell Monster that he should have told me this yesterday, when I had time, when I did not have a billion things to do before leaving for work in half an hour, knowing the shoe hunt could easily take that entire time.

Monster then informs me, “Daddy said he would ask you last night, he must have forgotten” Oh really? Fancy that. He did not forget to rearrange the lounge at my mother’s house to set up our big screen TV, he did not forget to play cell phone games or watch tv, but her forgot my Monster’s shoes. So in a huff I am down the passage and in our room and explode with, “You forgot to tell me to find Monster’s shoes when I had time to do it, now you get your ass out of bed and YOU find the shoes!” And huffed off back to the kitchen.

Ok so the shoes were found, and that problem was over, but my sense of humour was failing in a big way. I sat D down and said that I know he is going through a tough time, I get that its hard. I told him I love him and that I want to support him.

BUT. I told him this is my life too, this is also hard for me. Watching tv and playing games is not going to get him employed. I told him to do something. Maybe a bit harsh, but seriously, laziness kills me.

I know this is a bump in the road, I know it will get better, but right now I am fucking tired. Right now my patience does not exist and neither does my sense of humour. Right now I can’t help wondering how long it’ll take to get better. I guess bottom line is, I am not loving right now. Maybe I’ll change my mind when I eventually get some sleep. Who knows?

Fill her up with faith please…

I am not generally one to spout clichés and carry on about shit I really don’t believe. If you want to win an argument against me, never bring religion or any other variable into it. Fight me with facts, fight me with common sense and fight me with intelligence or seriously, don’t bother.

Right now though, its life’s little clichés that are getting me through. Life has taken another interesting twist, D lost his job. It sounds so silly to type it like that, not like he lost his car keys or lost his glasses, this is not something he can simply find again. To be more accurate, he made a stupid mistake while under a lot of pressure and was fired as a result of being rather poorly represented at his hearing.

He is shattered. He feels useless and incapable of supporting us. And truth be told, I don’t know how to help. I am not a very sympathetic person on the best of days. In fact, unless you are my child, don’t even expect it in any form. You are more likely to get a “shit happens” than an “I’m sorry, are you ok?” Life is too short to waste kinder emotions on those who don’t deserve them. In all fairness, I earned my cynic badge the hard way, so don’t judge.

We had to give up our beautiful little house in Midrand, and move back in with my mom in Boksburg, which for me is hard, my mom and I have a complex relationship, and living together has never been easy. But, I am putting my feelings aside, plastering a smile on my face and saying things like, “You’re never given more than you can handle baby.” “Every time a door closes, another one opens.” “Everything happens for a reason” I see the value in these ideas, I truly do. But at the core of me is logic, is the truth that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So I try to be supportive while urging him to do something about it. I try not to nag him while reminding him that this is not the time to give up. I have plans for our life, I have hopes, and dreams and none of that will happen if we have to live on my meager salary.

For now I feel as though I am living in suspended animation, trying to get used to leaving home before the sun even peeps over the horizon to get to Sandton on time, trying not to freak about going from doing 30km a day to now doing 120, trying to be a good fiancé, a good mother, a good daughter and sister and trying to do my job.

I am freaking exhausted, but for now I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and that in time I will look back on this and laugh.