On what was, what is and what will be

I tried to write a summary of my 2013…and failed miserably. There are not enough words in the English language to properly explain the year and everything that happened within the 365 days that made it.

I will say that I ended the year feeling older than I ever have. I have distanced myself from pretty much everything and everyone over the last few months and am honestly not surprised no one even noticed. That is fine by me. Somewhere in everything that happened over the last year I stopped liking people, I stopped trusting people and withdrew further into myself than I ever had. This of course meant my own business failed dismally as it is hard to work with people when you actively avoid them.

I have however enjoyed getting to know my children and spending time being mom first. I have felt exceptionally frustrated and hurt over the last six months, D and I are right now hanging on by a thread, but they have kept me going.

We cancelled the wedding, both the easiest and hardest decision I have ever made. I chose to cancel because our families managed to make me feel like the least important aspect of the event. I cancelled because people I considered friends showed their true nature. I cancelled because marriage is not something I take lightly and I just don’t think our relationship right now is the right foundation on which to build a marriage.

This year is about learning to love each other again. I need to admit to my own demons and work through some tough stuff. We need to build foundations for the future and stop ting caught in the endless loop of the past.

In the interest of onward, upward and happiness, this will be my last post on this blog. I am going to blog my journey as a mother, a partner and a human being rather than my emo ramblings.

Its been real but in future please catch me over at http://www.averageoldinsanity.wordpress.com

Catch you on the flip side🙂

And then came…

I know this is all going to be very confusing after my last post. I know. I haven’t exactly had time to wrap my head around everything as yes myself.

Let me begin by stating as a matter of record how very human I am. I err. I fight. I feel, good or bad. I do however have this new found maturity (crikey, getting old) where I no longer wish to fight. I don’t want negative energy in my space and don’t want negative people in my life.

Enter the shocker.

In September, my mother was admitted to the hospital for the second time as the result of what amounts to a nervous breakdown. She has been diagnosed with severe manic depression. She is very ill. I spoke briefly with my sister and made the call to go and see her in the hospital. I do not have enough words in my vocabulary to successfully explain the number of feelings I had during the trip to the hospital. I was surprised when she was happy to see me and think she was surprised to see me at all.

Now to be fair, this doesn’t undo my feelings. I have not forgotten my childhood and her lack of presence in it. I am not stupid though. As I sat, watching my aggressor, the voice who always said I couldn’t look old and frail and terribly sad I had to recognize the potential for that to be me one day. I was forced to take stock of the damage holding onto all that anger and resentment can cause and I choose not to be that person. I choose to forgive and leave the past where it belongs. I choose to love my mother and to care for her because I can see how much she needs that right now. It has not been easy. I have swallowed my pride and labored through the noise in my mind to reach peace after this decision. I was left emotionally bankrupt at some point this year. I have let go of all the bad and now find I have so much more space for good emotions. I feel like a different person than I was when this year started.

So my mother is very ill. She has trouble telling the difference between being awake and asleep. She is driving dangerously and has been advised not to. She is anxious and almost child-like and I have accepted, having spoken to her doctor, she is never going to recover fully. She cannot be alone although it is all she wants (symptom of depression) we suggested selling up her house and moving into a retirement village, her doctor is against it as he says that is where people go to die. She needs some positivity. She wanted my younger sister to move in and after some discussion it was ruled out as an option. She is young and doesn’t have kids yet and deserves all of that rather than being resigned to taking care of my mom. So after much back and forth and many alternatives we have decided that we will convert her garage into a flat for her and we will rent the house from her. That way we all have our space but we are close enough to help and keep an eye.

This has not come without its challenges. Having my intentions and character questioned. Being accused of having ulterior motives and again being the bitch by my family. Then the polar opposite and major concern for our well-being etc by D’s family. I have decided to let people feel what they feel and say what they need. This is not about them. It’s not about me. D’s dad died as a result of the illness my mother is suffering from and we jointly refuse to do nothing and let it happen again.

This is only the beginning and it’s going to be hard. I will however stand up for my mother every step of the way. She needs an advocate and though I may seem the least likely candidate I am here and I am doing it. Also, letting myself out from beneath the burden of resentment and hurt feelings has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life.

I don’t need approval for any of this. I don’t ask for understanding. I have heard every warning and threat for every possible outcome. At the core of everything is humanity. I want to live as an example to my children rather than taking the ‘do what I say and not what I do’ approach. I want them to know that people are good and deserve second chances. I hope that they are watching.

Spewing the contents of my busy mind

The one thing I can say about not being all consumed by work for 80 percent of my life is I have way too much time to be contemplative. My mind is a dangerous place. I tend to get myself all worked up over (mostly) nothing and spend a lot of time picking fights and crying in the bath, super attractive as I am sure you imagine. The thing is though, sometimes, when I am left alone with my thoughts I am left with no other option than to deal with the accumulation of stuff I have been sweeping under some rug in the far recesses of my already over-crowded brain.

The most obvious thing, the thing I spend the most time pretending no to care about, my mother. She received a save the date for our wedding and has told my sister unequivocally she will not attend unless I apologise. I cried, big ugly tears when my sister told me, mostly because she was not even the slightest bit sensitive when delivering the news. I was delusional enough to believe she could actually put the bullshit aside for one day and just be happy for me. Rookie mistake I guess. Right now I am holding my chin up high and pretending it doesn’t bother me. I cant apologise. That would mean apologizing for my children’s existence. I’m not sorry they are here and I never will be. Should I be sorry for the way we left? Maybe. It was all I could do to avoid the next big fight. The only way to not be dragged through another round of being insulted and threatened.

I can’t in all fairness say she was a bad mother, my siblings seem fond of her. Maybe she was a good mother to them. I know my experience is my own. She has seen so much bad in her life, abuse of all sorts and a very toxic relationship with her own mother. I understand the impact that can have on your adult life. What I don’t, and never will, understand is her inability to recognize her perpetuating the cycle. She is doing to me (us) just what her mother did to her to destroy her self esteem. While I was sweating myself into a frenzy at gym this morning, alone with my thoughts, it occurred to me that my mother has never called me pretty. I can remember at the age of ten or so, I was sitting in the car with her, looking at my reflection in the side mirror. I asked her if she thought I was pretty, she gave me a sideways look and casually said I am pretty average, not worth looking at twice, not like Natasha, my sister. In my juvenile mind I accepted it as fact. I still refer to myself as the funny sister. The one who had to develop a sense of humour to get by because my sisters were both so pretty. I am incapable of accepting a compliment relating to my looks. If anyone tells me I am pretty I go to the fail safe answer, ‘You wouldn’t say that if you saw me without make-up on’.

Something I have never openly discussed is the fact that I battle with my weight. Not in a thin girl looking for attention way either. Right now as I type this I am more than 40kg overweight. Just seeing the words makes me nauseous. I have a problem with food, always have had. I was so conditioned to believe I did not deserve anything good that I just keep all the extra layers on for protection. From what I am not entirely sure. Its an easy go to honestly. That boy didn’t like me because I’m fat. I didn’t get the job because I am fat. I can’t do it because I’m fat. My sister once told me having had two babies was no reason to be overweight. I wonder if it ever occurred to her that there was more to it than that?

My mother was not around a whole hell of a lot after my dad died. She only slept at home on Monday nights, every other night she was with her boyfriend. My sister and I pretty much did what we wanted. My mother would go away from Thursday to Sunday, no groceries in the house and leave us with fifty rand to feed ourselves. Today I can still make a meal out of next to nothing. I often felt like we were just too much for her maybe. I asked her once to please buy me tampons, she said she didn’t have money, she was smoking at the time. I was told to make another plan. Then something I have never said in the light of day except to D, when I was fifteen I went out with a friend, we ended up staying at the flat of one of her friends. He raped me that night. It is without doubt the scariest thing that ever happened to me. That is the story of how I lost my virginity and the reason the smell of potency makes me sick. I never told a soul. I knew my mother would blame me and I’d be accused of getting myself into the situation.

I then started dating a guy ten years older than me. She never told me it was inappropriate. She just left me to drink, take drugs, have sex and neglect my own health and safety. She once told me she was done raising kids as she has been doing it for 23 years.

Getting pregnant saved my life. I will NEVER apologise for my beautiful boy and everything he has taught me and brought to my life.

To be fair, I am not trying to make her a monster, I don’t think she realizes the damage she has done because There she is so consumed by the wrong that has been done to her. While I always have, this time, I will not apologise. I chose better for my children and for myself. I am not sorry. I am only sorry that she is so weighed down with hatred and anger that she will miss one of the most important moments of my life.

Leading on from this, the not being pretty or thin or worthy of anything good. I have decided I am going to reclaim my mind. I am worth good things, I deserve love and happiness and health. I am working really hard on my mindset to break the cycle of negative thinking and making better health choices to lose the weight. I am reminding myself to take chances because I am worth it and I am loving those people I push away when I start to feel sorry for myself.

There is so much going on right now. D was retrenched again and this means I may have to find a job, not the end of the world mind you but quite daunting since I haven’t had a job interview in four years. I have no doubt we’ll recover from this, its what we do.

The wedding is still full steam ahead, see that? I am not giving up because we deserve this day. We deserve to have something to look forward to.

There is so much more, maybe I should have said less. This is a process for me, clearing my mind and there may be a few more spewings before I consider it done.

For now I only wish everyone the good sense to love themselves and the strength to fight for your own happiness. It matters. A lot.


ramblings of random

So you know what happens while you aren’t paying attention? That sneaky thing called life. Don’t get me wrong here, life has been good, maybe too good judging by how tight my jeans are right now *quietly whimpers* but how in the name of all that is holy does everything happen so fast?

Wasn’t my baby a baby, like yesterday? When the hell did she get old enough to say, “Mamma, I want you. I want cuddles” ?! Undeniably cute yes but wasn’t she just cooing and gargling ten seconds ago?

Also please note that while absent from blogging, Haedyn turned 11 (the age of horror, more on that later) Mycaela turned 9, Blake is now 4 (what?!!) D is 31 (HAHAHA geriatric) and I turned 28 (getting awfully close to 30 now *gulp*) I have no idea what is happening to me right now. Since I have resigned I seldom wear make-up, this would come as a huge shock for anyone who knows me, I brush my hair maybe three times a week (seriously) and am now one of those moms doing the school runs in track pants and slops. Also I drive what is essentially a station wagon. I am sure the ever-ambitious 16 year old me who was going to be a hard core news journalist just died as I typed that. Is it perhaps time to embrace the fact that I am in fact mommy first, everything else after. Not what I ever expected but I have come to realize title, money and material things don’t hold the appeal for me they once did. I am embracing simplicity and family and have honestly never felt more at peace.

That said I am so not going to pretend being home and playing house is easy. I think being a stay at home or work from home mom is the most under-rated and difficult option in this already very hard parenting journey. Yesterday for example, I had a million things to do but Kyra wasn’t feeling well so I was not allowed to put her down for a second. I opted for the doctor route to ensure this phase was over sooner rather than later. At the doctor’s office she kicked, screamed, pinched, pulled hair, scratched and smacked me for the almost two hours it took to see the doctor and fill a prescription just to demonstrate how unhappy she was with the arrangement. She had a ten minute power nap and woke up full of beans and now wanting to play. I was not allowed to touch my computer or she resorted to high pitched screams. Then a quick trip to Pick n Pay, collect Mycaela from school, shove a cake in the oven, you know to at least look like I achieved something, back in the car to collect Haedyn from cricket, he took his dear sweet time, cake over cooked * sad face*, get homework done, start dinner, get kids into bath, get baby out of bath and dressed ( could teach those WWE guys a thing or two about moves after this) check dinner and sit down for five minutes before having to do the rounds reminding kids to get out of the bath, get dressed, tidy bedrooms and please just BE QUIET! Around this time D walks in and asks how my day went. Did I do xyz and have I had a chance to do abc…at which point I seriously consider drinking an entire bottle of whiskey hiding in my cupboard.

To be fair though its not all bad. I do love the snuggles with the two little ones in our bed every morning. I actually enjoy doing homework with the older two. Haedyn is much happier now that he can play every sport since there is someone to fetch and cattu him everywhere and I am feeling better for being around. For not having so much ego to deal with all the time.

I am in the process of re-launching my make-up business with added services which will operate essentially like a mobile beauty salon. In home, make-up, facials, nails, manicures, pedicures and in time hair styling as well. I get to work in the industry I love without any corporate nonsense and on my own terms.

We are also launching another business soon as well and I have an idea or two for other things to occupy my time, so watch this space for developments.

We are still planning our wedding for March next year and that is all on track though I will admit I am a little (read a lot) disappointed at the lack of interest and help in any form from those we have asked to be part of the day. In fact my sister, who is a bridesmaid, suggested I do the bridal party’s make-up as I said the person doing mine cannot do theirs as well. Yes really. I wish for once it could just be about me. One day is all I ask.

I don’t even know if I will get a bridal shower or anything of the like, my maid of honour will only be up two days before the wedding and I am not sure my sisters will plan anything. I may have to plan it myself if I wanna do anything. I will admit to being a bit jealous when I hear D’s brother talk about planning his bachelor party, he is so amped and excited…


I do not want to get caught up in the negative here…it is going to be a beautiful day filled with the people we love most and many things worth celebrating.

For the time being I am going to make the most of a sleeping baby and get some work done🙂

The end of an era…

So at the end of last week a series of events was set in motion which forced me to face a less than happy realisation…despite nearly four years of intense loyalty and literal blood, sweat and tears, to my boss I will only ever be just a number. I am not unique, not an asset and am completely replaceable.

At the same time I was forced to take stock of the fact that for five people on this planet I am irreplaceable, I am needed and loved and appreciated.

On Friday last week, without another plan or any clue about what happens next, I resigned with immediate effect.

I have spent the last week coming down off the corporate high. Feeling battered and bruised after almost a year of intense work. Reeling at the fact that my resignation was accepted without question and feeling so let down by a whole group of people I was naive enough to believe cared about me. It hasn’t been easy. I haven’t told anyone I’ve left yet. I know rumours will spread about how and why I left and frankly, that’s ok. I cannot control what people think and say, I can choose not to give a damn.

I have stood back and taken stock of my life and I can see 15 year old me shaking her head and calling me a sell out. My soul aches for the life I have created. I know what it’s like to have a mother who never comes to sports games, who is disinterested and always tired and short because she is working so hard to support us. How then, did I allow this to become my life? I am never home. When I am I am too tired and drained to give my children what they need from me. What they deserve.

My job requires so much more than 8-5 technical excellence. I had to put my life aside and live the brand and I did. I missed birthdays and school functions. I missed my son coming second in an art competition. I missed seeing a very dear friend, who lives abroad, who I haven’t seen in five years because I covered a shift for a colleague who had a party for a friend she sees every other day. I worked alone on new years day because I covered a shift for a colleague who had a hangover. I suspect by this point I don’t have any friends anymore. No one invites me out or makes any attempt to see me, who can blame them though? I’m always at work.

Everyday I would stand and smile and give so much of myself to every customer who walked through the door. I smiled and gave advice while we were being evicted from our home. I was pleasant and professional when I thought that D and I were over. I listened to everyone else all the time and realised that at the end if it all I am emotionally bankrupt. I have nothing left to give.

I have neglected my family badly. I missed my baby daughters first steps. I missed puzzles and movies and bath times and bed times and I get that some sacrifice is needed but I also am sharply aware that I will never get a second chance at their childhoods. Never.

I know I am likely to be lambasted for being irresponsible and rash in making this decision but I can no longer smile and claim to love my job. I can no longer pretend I’m ok. I need time to be a mom for a bit. If that makes me irresponsible, so be it.

I need to figure out where to next, ideally I would love to work from home. I’m open to opportunities, I’m letting go and giving it to the universe. I am a shell of a person and right now I need time to fill the spaces.

On updates and life

Life works in cycles. Sometimes nothing happens. This is when we are likely to complain about being stuck in a rut. Then sometimes everything happens all at once. This year has been a lot of everything all at once. A lot.

D transferred to cape town at the beginning of February, as we had planned. Only once there other factors came into play. The date for my job in cape town kept changing, D had someone use his bank account to commit fraud (which the bank holds him responsible for) and due to non performance of the sales team he was retrenched. So yes, a lot.

There is so much more that went on here, I was lied to and it broke my heart. D was called names and accused of things I know he didn’t do. I was hurting a lot and got into a nasty fight or two defending the person I was most angry at. We lost our house and had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep our heads above water.

In an aside, the people throwing accusations and threatening my family really left a bad taste in my mouth. Everything that happened almost tore my family apart. My kids have been hurt, our relationship is still recovering and it was just unbearable to feel so judged, mostly by people who have never met me, based on another person’s actions. I love D even if I was lied to, even if shit gets hard. A real adult relationship requires working through issues rather than walking away. Unless or until you have chosen to love someone through thick and thin and actually worked at it every day, don’t judge what we have.

In essence cape town is completely off the cards. I am managing our newest store. D has just started a new job and we should be moving into our own, much smaller, place come month end. Things are getting better now. I have no doubt we’ll pull through this as we have through so many other challenges.

I will admit having been very self indulgent over the last few months. I have been so absorbed in my life and my job that I haven’t been much good to the people in my life. I have missed so much and I am sorry. I feel very disconnected and I know it’s my own fault. I do fully intend though to make more effort in future.

I have also had a lot of time for reflection. The concept of family has been playing on my mind. I want robins be able to say I miss my mom. The truth is I don’t. I do definitely feel like I’m missing out on a special relationship, but don’t feel like I ever had that with my mother. It’s not her fault. It just didn’t work and probably never will. Too much history and too many hurt feelings.

I also recently had a nasty spat with my sister. Usually these exchanges leave me feeling bruised and guilty, she so often points out the ugly things I hate about myself. This time though, I just felt deflated. Drained. I felt the whole thing was just stupid. We’re fighting about feelings that are years old. The same insults, same bullshit as always. I did realise though that had there been any truth to her insults I would have felt more hurt by them. Which brought home for me the fact that though we are related, we are strangers. We don’t talk, I don’t know how she drinks her coffee. I don’t know what her biggest worry is right now. I don’t know what my niece wants to be when she grows up. I can’t actually remember the last time I had a conversation with her that didn’t feel strained. I’m torn between being devastated because she used to be my best friend and just accepting it as a natural progression thing. She was always the first person I’d phone, happy or sad. She’s done so much for me in my life. Like a lot. It’s very sad that we’ll probably never get back there.

I honestly feel no tangible tie to the family I grew up with. When you look at it, we’re all deeply damaged people, all looking for love and acceptance and not finding it from each other so rather blaming and fighting and hurting each other. The irony is I love these people fiercely. My sister who doesn’t realise how strong and how smart she is. My brother who doesn’t try even though if he did he’d be great. My little sister who hides her beautiful soul behind a smart mouth. My mother, for everything that happened has this way of making things ok. My only wish for her is that one day she finds someone or something that can make everything ok for her.

My family now, exists with D and my children. My children who I love with everything that I am despite not always being the best mother to them. I have made really crap decisions. They have gone through so much they shouldn’t have. I’m not going to make excuses. I have screwed up probably more than I’ve gotten it right. My mission from now until forever is just to ensure they know they are loved. Fiercely, infinitely and without condition.

Life is fluid, constantly changing, always moving. I need to be more mindful of what I let pass in the stream.

365 days gone way too fast

I should have posted this yesterday but instead spent the day absorbing in complete awe the wonder that is my youngest child.

A year ago you arrived quietly and calmly to two very anxious parents, we had waited so long to meet you! I got the briefest look at you before you were whipped off to the NICU. When I got to hold you at last, your heartbeat stabilised and your oxygen levels shot up. You just needed mommy. That seems to have set the tone for our first year together.

You may look like your daddy but you are mommy’s girl through and through. Your first word was mamma and no one else exists to you if I am in the room.

You are the happiest and sweetest little person I know. You seldom moan or cry and you are always happy to see the people you love. Such a perfect fit in our family. Your brothers dote on you and your sister would never put you down if we left it to her. Even our four legged family members can’t get enough of your busy hands and high pitched squeals.

As we celebrate your first year you can say mamma, dada, door, light, kaka, Haedyn, lala (mycaela) and ake (Blake)
Your smile lights up our home and the sound of your giggles fill us with joy. You are crawling everywhere and starting to pull yourself up and cruise around furniture. You adore your fluffy moose and your Violet bear and can’t eat enough cheese curls.

It’s been a crazy year but you are without doubt the best part of all of it. The way you rest tour head on my chest and look up at me with those pansy blue eyes, the way you put your arms up and bounce when  I walk into a room and the way you giggle when  I give you Eskimo kisses are all things I am going to miss as you get older.

My only wish is that the next year goes a little slower because I’m not ready for you to grow up.

Happiest of happy birthdays to you my baby noo noo bug. I hope we have many more to share. I love you more than all the stars in the sky and bigger than the moon. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy x

Well hello there new year.

So just like that 2012 is over and 2013 has begun. We had a quiet new year st home just D and I as the clock ticked over to twelve. We wished each other and went to bed. It was just perfect actually.

Looking back it would be so hard to round up everything that happened last year. So much and at the same time it feels like nothing.

We started 2012 with a bang and welcomed our beautiful baby girl in January. Without doubt my high light. We moved into my mother’s house at the end February with good intentions then left in a less than delightful way in August after what I  determined will be the last fight I ever have with my mother.

For the first time I genuinely and fiercely stood up for myself and my family. I walked away from the negative relationship with my mother and honestly cannot describe the peace it has brought to my life.

Haedyn entered double digits this year and did so well and made us very proud. I am amazed constantly at how gentle and kind and generous he is. He is a big help and I only wish get would stop growing up so damned fast.

Mycaela was our challenge kid wise. She needs a little more patience and a lit more attention than the others. She lives in her own world send tends not to function too well in ours. That said she is very sweet and has a way of endearing herself to others. I truly hope we are ready for the next phase though.

Blake has really come into his own this year. He had the most incredible sense of humour and an opinion on everything. He is a really good big brother who adores his baby sister and loves his nanny. Still very much daddy’s boy though. He us adamant he will go to school this year and my only condition isnhe needs to be done with nappies first. We are just about there now.

Kyra was the perfect addition to our family. I have watched her grow from a tiny squishy baby to this delightful little person who loves the dogs and her siblings and who is very attached to mommy. She doesn’t grump and is always smiling and chatting and her big blue eyes light up whenever one of us is around. She really is a joy to have around.

D and I somehow still love each other. We survived another two moves, countless challenges, a new baby and my mother and made it out together. Its not easy but it’s so worth it. I think once you’ve survived what we have forever doesn’t seem so long cos frankly I can’t imagine life without him.

On that note though…we are moving to cape town next year. D leaves the end of January and we only leave in May. Four months apart😦 it’s going to be super hard so feel free to send gifts of whiskey and chocolate.

The plus side is that we’re moving because I am being promoted. At long last. So I imagine life in the cape holds many a good thing for us.

My biggest lesson I think over the last year has been that I am capable of what I set my mind to. I deserve the good things in my life and I am allowed to be happy.

For the new year I have big goals and bug plans all of which I embrace and look forward to.

I wish each of you enough difficulty that you may grow, enough challenges that you may learn and so much love that none of it matters anyway.

Happy new year.


So much is happening all the time. I feel like I never have even a brief moment to stop and take stock of things. I work a lot and honestly I waste all my nice words and kind gestures at work. This is why I don’t see anyone anymore I don’t know that could muster enough energy to be nice to anyone. Sad but true.

I am reeling at the fact that in exactly one month kyra will be a year old. How did that happen? Time really is getting away from me.

The big kids both passed their respective years at school. Well Mycaela passed, Haedyn did so so so well I could not be happier and two certificates including one for neatness and diligence. Clearly my kid yes.

I have so many thoughts flying around my head and I desperately need to put them into words to make sense of things but right now I’m not sure I have the presence of mind to get it all together.

This post is disjointed and doesn’t make much sense guess my way of letting the world know I’m still alive and stuff. I’ll come back when it makes more sense.

On having a wish list

So the wonderfully patient and lovely Charlotte over at The stiletto mum has arranged this year’s blogger secret Santa. Job well done!

I know I am late to the party and all but I am bad at getting gifts and making lists of things I want as my wants seldom feature in my list making.

Without further ado the things I would like are like such

1. Nail varnish. Any type or colour. It’s my current obsession.

2.  Pretty necklaces. I love silver and pretty charms etc. I also like small earrings but am not a bangle person.

3. Stationery. Any type. Love the stuff.

4. Cute socks. I seem to lose socks at the most unreal rate.

5.  Hair accessories. Just no feathers Iraq animal print please. Prefer shiny or flowers.

As a side note, I am a complete snob about beauty products so prefer not to receive skin or bath products as gifts.

That is me. Will post a catch up soonest.