The end of an era…

So at the end of last week a series of events was set in motion which forced me to face a less than happy realisation…despite nearly four years of intense loyalty and literal blood, sweat and tears, to my boss I will only ever be just a number. I am not unique, not an asset and am completely replaceable.

At the same time I was forced to take stock of the fact that for five people on this planet I am irreplaceable, I am needed and loved and appreciated.

On Friday last week, without another plan or any clue about what happens next, I resigned with immediate effect.

I have spent the last week coming down off the corporate high. Feeling battered and bruised after almost a year of intense work. Reeling at the fact that my resignation was accepted without question and feeling so let down by a whole group of people I was naive enough to believe cared about me. It hasn’t been easy. I haven’t told anyone I’ve left yet. I know rumours will spread about how and why I left and frankly, that’s ok. I cannot control what people think and say, I can choose not to give a damn.

I have stood back and taken stock of my life and I can see 15 year old me shaking her head and calling me a sell out. My soul aches for the life I have created. I know what it’s like to have a mother who never comes to sports games, who is disinterested and always tired and short because she is working so hard to support us. How then, did I allow this to become my life? I am never home. When I am I am too tired and drained to give my children what they need from me. What they deserve.

My job requires so much more than 8-5 technical excellence. I had to put my life aside and live the brand and I did. I missed birthdays and school functions. I missed my son coming second in an art competition. I missed seeing a very dear friend, who lives abroad, who I haven’t seen in five years because I covered a shift for a colleague who had a party for a friend she sees every other day. I worked alone on new years day because I covered a shift for a colleague who had a hangover. I suspect by this point I don’t have any friends anymore. No one invites me out or makes any attempt to see me, who can blame them though? I’m always at work.

Everyday I would stand and smile and give so much of myself to every customer who walked through the door. I smiled and gave advice while we were being evicted from our home. I was pleasant and professional when I thought that D and I were over. I listened to everyone else all the time and realised that at the end if it all I am emotionally bankrupt. I have nothing left to give.

I have neglected my family badly. I missed my baby daughters first steps. I missed puzzles and movies and bath times and bed times and I get that some sacrifice is needed but I also am sharply aware that I will never get a second chance at their childhoods. Never.

I know I am likely to be lambasted for being irresponsible and rash in making this decision but I can no longer smile and claim to love my job. I can no longer pretend I’m ok. I need time to be a mom for a bit. If that makes me irresponsible, so be it.

I need to figure out where to next, ideally I would love to work from home. I’m open to opportunities, I’m letting go and giving it to the universe. I am a shell of a person and right now I need time to fill the spaces.