26

So today I am 26. 26 Does not feel that different from 25 really. Here are 26 random thoughts, observations and facts as a way to celebrate.

1. I am not a fan of my birthday. No one ever makes a fuss or throws me surprise parties or anything. Every year I pretend not to care and every year it makes me very sad.

2. I always get quite melancholy on my birthday. I miss my dad and think back to the birthdays we shared.

3. My 15th birthday was the last day I ever saw my dad and was just over a month before he died.

4. I make a huge effort to make my family’s birthday special. I always go above and beyond to make them feel appreciated and loved.

5. I am moving further and further away from my ‘family’ ie the people I grew up with. I have come to realise that DNA does not mean I have to accept being treated poorly. I would not accept the same treatment from friends so I will not accept it from them.

6. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life yet seem to spend a lot of time feeling very sad

7. I often feel excluded from general goings on 8. I wonder if I have any real friends sometimes. I know a lot of people but how many people could I call on if I needed anything.

9. I currently feel like I cannot get enough sleep. Whether I sleep 6 hours or 12 I am always tired.

10. At the age of 26 I am pregnant with my fourth child.

11. I never wanted children when I was growing up.

12. Despite being very loud I am actually very insecure and battle to feel accepted and not judged.

13. I am scared to death of *actually* getting married and changing my surname. I never wanted to change my surname either.

14. I will never be close to my mother. I am ok with it. I cannot keep trying at something that will only ever bring me pain and misery

15. Christmas is my favourite time of the year even though it has never been the same since my dad died

16. Only about three people on the planet know my whole story and what it took to get to today

17. I have learned the hard way for every lesson I have gained in the last 26 years

18. Despite having had some major downs I have never considered myself depressed or taken any mood altering medication. Instead I snot cry alone in the shower

19. I can sound very ungrateful at times but I never doubt that I have a HUGE amount to be grateful for.

20. I have love in abundance. It surrounds me and makes my heart smile.

21. I am a self teacher. Most of what I can do I have taught myself. Nothing like a little trial and error to perfect a skill.

22. I am a very emotional person I need to feel something to be part of it. I could never do a job that compromised my beliefs and could not be in a relationship that felt wrong either.

23. My greatest joy in life is to make the people I care most about happy. I love to see my kids laugh and content.

24. I sometimes need some time to be alone and just breathe. These are the moments I lock myself in the bathroom and stay very quiet.

25. I do not doubt that D and I will be having the same silly arguments 40 years from now.

26. For all that has happened in the last 26 years I am incredibly grateful. Each stepping stone and sideways knock has made me all that I am. I must admit, even if it isn’t all that often, I quite like the me I am.

That’s all for today folks 

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Plus baby makes six :)

There comes a moment in life where you are forced to stop and take stock of what really matters to you as a person. Whether the person you are is part of something else or not, at some juncture it really is just about you.

My life has been anything and everything but settled of late. We were planning our wedding blissfully and totally unaware that life had other plans. On 16 June, after having been feeling ‘off’ for almost two weeks I decided to do a home pregnancy test to exclude pregnancy as the cause for my not feeling great. A funny thing happened though, the test was positive. I sent D off to the pharmacy to get three more tests in different brands and lo and behold each one of those was positive too. I gave myself a moment to grasp what was happening. After firmly believing something was wrong with me, we were expecting the baby we have so wanted for the last year. YAY!!! Much joy and elation in our little family.

Now as an aside. Yes we have three kids. None of which are D’s biologically. He is however the best father in the world to the three kids we have. I only wanted a fourth child because this man who I adore deserves his own biological child. We are not rich in terms of material possessions but we have love in abundance. We have what we need even if it is not always what we want. Our kids are well mannered, well adjusted and humble for not having been spoiled. So this is me telling those who feel they have a right to judge my choices to go to hell. Unless or until you pay my bills or are asked to support my children in any way shape or form, fuck off. That is all.

So the wedding will again be moved, bare with me folks I will eventually be married one day;p D has started a new job at a corporate company and in his first month hit 180% of his sales target this equates to quite a substantial rise in income for him. I am incredibly proud of him and very grateful to have the old D back. The ambitious and driven person I initially fell in love with  Maybe its the pregnancy hormones speaking but I am kinda really loving this man right now.

Our baby is due on 27 January 2012 so our c section will likely happen a week before that, before the happy clappers jump on my head about the beauty of natural birth, just know I am having the c section because I have to and would sooner have natural if it were medically possible. We are not leaning toward any gender and would honestly just like a healthy baby.

Work continues to suck as much as it ever has. My mother continues to make me wonder if perhaps I was adopted and the kids are just growing up too damned fast for my liking.

Life keeps moving and despite the fact that people who judge, people who preach and people who are inexplicably stupid leave me questioning the future of the human race, where I am, where only I matter, life is great. I am beyond happy and cannot wait to conclude our family with our last edition come January 