Grey is my favourite colour

Ok so I guess sucky me and all that nonsense, but forgive me if I am too tired/annoyed/busy to be updating all the time. I suck, it’s ok, I have heard I am pretty good at it 😉

So where to begin? The move is in the planning phase, we have ordered furniture for delivery the day of the move. I am living with the hope that this will run smoothly. We have a few people to help, more are always welcome though, beer and pizza for helpers when it’s all done

Life with my mother seems somewhat less tense with the MIL gone. Speaking of which, I happened to answer D’s phone when she called last night, man, even her voice grates me now. As much as she is going to be my mother in law, after everything that has happened, I cannot bring myself to feel anything more than tolerance for her. Don’t get me wrong, her offspring rocks my world, her on the other hand, meh.

Work is so so, a job ad came out the other day for a post I seriously considered applying for. After much deliberation I chose not to. Firstly because I feel I have stuff to prove/accomplish in my present role before moving on and secondly because, well we want another baby, I should be pregnant before this year is over if all goes according to plan, and frankly, that is not a great idea if you have just started a new job. So for 2011, I am pretty much sticking around where I am, while growing my own business and being all focused on family and what not.

D is now running his own business as well, selling gadgets and IT related goods. The prices he quotes are freaking low, like super low, so please feel free to drop me an email lynstep (at) gmail (dot) com for any enquiries. I believe this is going to work out well for him.

We have also decided, after much thought, that we want to be married. Read that again. We want to be married, not we want a big fancy pants wedding, we want to make a legal and forever like commitment to each other. A wedding is not really an option right now, we cannot justify the expense and honestly, who would we be doing it for? We are not about big gestures and flashy parties, we, us, our little family, we live in the detail, we treasure the little things. We may elope to some beautiful coastal town and get married on a beach or just say our vows at a tiny ceremony with only our nearest and dearest, but a wedding as such, will have to wait. Also, neither of us are particularly close to our families so who would we be spending the money for exactly? I would rather keep this about the fact that we want to be married, that we want to spend our lives together. As opposed to creating debt, stressing, freaking out and generally being consumed by one day. It is a personal choice, and one I am at peace with.

There are some things this week that have annoyed the crap out of me check my twitter @getting_by for the general idea. But looking back it was a fairly good week.

The Squish is totally obsessed with the car and going bye-bye and also he loves his ducks (bath toys) and walks around saying quack quack, which sounds like kak kak, constantly, that child makes me smile, constantly.

 The princess seems to be reliving her terrible twos, like the first time wasn’t bad enough. In the two weeks she has been at school she has already had break detention. Too much of an individual for her own good I guess.

Monster, well, despite having issues with doing homework when he is supposed to, he is good. Seems unlike his mommy he is a sports super star and has made the athletics team after coming first in ALL his races. *proud*

For now things are not great, but they certainly aren’t as awful as they have been, think we’ll live in the grey for a little.

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Bountiful Beauty

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.” Oscar Wilde

Whether, like me, you are a woman who wears make-up every day, or you only use a little on special occasions, knowing how to use your products for the best possible results is a skill EVERY woman should have.

So many women own eye shadows, blushers, bronzers and liners that they have never used simply because they do not know how. Just as many women never buy make up purely because application is a mystery.

This is where I come in, the make-up artist.

I work by day for one of the largest cosmetic companies in the world, beauty is my business. I have access to cutting edge technology and the latest in fashion trends and developments in the industry. I have a passion for making this world accessible to EVERY woman.

I want to share what I know to help make each woman feel a little more beautiful every day.

I do make-up for events like weddings, matric farewells, photo shoots and other affairs as well as make-up lessons, whether it be one-on-one or group classes. It is a great form of entertainment for baby showers, kitchen teas, book club, birthday parties or even as a work function.

I will happily customize a package just for you, regardless of your requirements.

*Beauty is bountiful and I intend spreading it one wave of my (mascara) wand at a time*

Tonight is the night when two become one :)

I love that I used Spice Girls lyrics for this entry’s title.  I love that I can embrace that I was once *obesessed* with the Spice Girls and actually turned out fair normal.  Yay me!

So tonight is the last night, hopefully for good, that D’s mother will be around.  Tomorrow she moves to start a new job and a new life.  I am happy for her, for this opportunity she has.  But I am stoked for us.  For the fact that the unholy alliance between our mothers will come to an end, or at least have a 500km distance to hinder their evilness.  YAY!!!

The move happens in t minus 42 days.  That is a lot of days to be around my mother but I will survive goddammit, and when we move I may be compelled to run around whooping like a possesed person for the joy that is sure to abound.

Life with D will hopefully get a little better now that we have one less mother to meddle.  For all that is holy and good and stuff, please, please can we go back to having sex more than once a week?  PLEASE?!!

Am currently looking also for a new nanny, this is tiresome and not my bestest idea of fun.  Interviews and telephone calls and the like are hard, it is so hard to interview someone who you intend to have around 24/4.  I feel like there is a lot of undue pressure to choose the perfect person tobe with my kids.  It. Is.  Fucking.  Hard.

Work is much of a muchness, same shit and all that.  I have however booked a wedding in April which should be super fun.  I love doing make-up, it really is getting paid to do something that I have in fact done for free for many years.  I love to see people’s reaction when they see the transformation.  It makes me happy 🙂

For now, off to another weekend of trying to keep the peace.  Am glad one war maker is leaving and I have a countdown until we move.  Watch my happiness levels as we get closer.

More on the mother’s reaction to said news later, you will not believe that one I tell ya.

But until the dawn of a new day, I bid thee, faithfull reader, adieu.

Reason, season, lifetime

Life happens in phases, cycles if you will. I am sure as you read this you will know exactly what I mean. Like when something goes wrong, suddenly things seem to snowball, it feels like everything goes wrong all at once, frankly, I have come to believe that this is just how life is.

We as human beings seem unable to live in the now. We are always wishing our lives away, waiting for Friday or pay day or some other date in the future that for whatever reason holds some significance. Most likely right now is just the daily grind of our lives, right now is the school run, your job, your family, the things that make you able to have that day in the future.

 Did you notice the rainbow on your way to work this morning? Or were you too busy worrying about the rain? Did you hear what your child was saying? Or are you so used to zoning out when she talks that you failed to notice she just shared her life’s dreams.

I am so incredibly guilty of wishing my life away. I have missed so many beautiful moments with my children, so many rainbows, so much greatness because I was waiting for the storm to pass, because I believed tomorrow or next week or a new job would make things better.

These are mistakes I have made, mostly without even knowing I have done it. I am the first to admit I am imperfect. I am human. Scratch that, I am fucked up. I could take the easy way out and say I am a product of my environment and blame my mother or father, or more accurately lack thereof, but I don’t see any value in passing the buck. I admit to my shortcomings and as far as I am concerned I have learned from my mistakes.

I honestly have no regrets. I like who I am, I like where my life is going and God help me I like right here and right now. It is hard. Difficult beyond definition. In this there is a lesson. Through this my character is further molded. Tomorrow right now will have been a step forward from yesterday.

I want to promise myself, that for myself, I will live in and love the now. Yesterday will never be changed and right now I am laying the foundation for a great tomorrow.

I am watching the baby argue with D about going to sleep, my heart is so full of warm and fuzzies, and the only words that cross my mind are, thank you. Thank you for here. Thank you for now. Thank you for this.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

I have a serious case of the sads this morning, D and I had a HUGE fight last night.  The worst fight we have ever had.  It is the only time ever that he has told me he was going to leave.  Reality hit me hard when the thought of not having him around occurred.  It wasn’t about shared cell phone contracts and debt and a new house, it wasn’t about the thought of having to look after the kids alone, not even the thought of being single again that got me.  What made me physically ache was the idea of not laughing with him, not being able to put my head on his chest, not having him to roll his eyes at my being totally OCD.  The thought of not having him made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

This brings me to the next point which also has me feeling a little sad.  When did I, woman of fierce cynicism and independence, allow myself to need someone?  I have relished in the fact that I have never needed anyone before.  Sure it hurt when we fought.  And yes, break ups past were awful, but never because of the prospect of not having that person in my life, it was rather the way the break ups came to be as opposed to the ending of said relationships.  I have always been able to get my own shit together and had the stubbornness to carry on despite the world waiting with baited breath for me to fall apart.

Now I find myself terrified at the prospect of not having D around *shock*.  I actually had a nightmare about him leaving and woke up and I couldn’t breathe.  Have I grown up?  Does this mean it is in fact the real deal?  Or is old age making me soft?  All I do now is this vulnerable feeling is totally new to me, and I am not convinced I like it. 

I guess it is important to say that D did not in fact pack up his stuff and leave me a snotty mess on my own.  I cried, we talked, for whatever reason, cos God help me I don’t know why, he really does love me and he promised he would never leave me.  He said he is nothing without me and that our life is everything he has ever wanted and just so much more.  I felt the need to cling to him the whole night just to be sure he stayed put, wow, seeing that in black and white made me throw up in my mouth a little.  I am not the happiness and rainbows and forever type, although, that seems to have changed.

At this very moment there is so much affecting our attempt at a relationship.  The MIL has been offered a job at a luxury lodge in the Kwa-Zulu Natal Midlands, she is just dragging her feet about getting there and all the stuff she needs.  I just hope she gets her shit together and accepts it will take time to start over from scratch and that by this time next week she will be a cosy 400km away.

My mother, as always, is just plain difficult, she has something to say about everything, and these days is seldom right.  *Sigh* When is it march?  I find myself wishing my life away right now, wanting some time in the future and then feel awful for not living in the now, not noticing my kids as much as I could and maybe just daydreaming a little too much.  I need us to be in our own house, I need my space or I fear my sanity and our relationship will not survive.

I have never been one to take the easy way out, in fact I seem permanently intent on doing everything the hard way.  Right now I would sell a kidney for a bit of the easier.  I feel like the fight within me is dying.  Is it really too much to want just a little peace?

I’m only human after all….

I am not perfect.  I am not even close to being perfect.  I am flawed.  I am guilty.  I am me as only I have made me.  I have done wrong and I have been wronged.  My heart has been broken and I am certain I have broken a few myself.  I have hurt.  I have fought.  I have loved.  I have feared.  I have trusted and I have refused to trust.  I have been naïve and I have been cynical.  I am just me.  Just this person.  Just human.  A blip on the radar.  I never claimed to be perfect, or even right.  I feel as you do, I deal differently.  I ask only that I be left to blunder my own destiny. 

I wish my sister would either stop reading my blog or just back off.  This is the comment she posted on one of my posts which I chose to trash, but on having reconsidered things am going to share;

“Let me remind you that this is a blog, in cyberspace, open for all and sundry.  Not exactly what I would call “private space”. You want private space, get a diary.

You always paint everyone but yourself in bad light, conveniently forgetting to mention what you have said and done to create the tension between you and mom. You hide your true self from everyone, including yourself.

I did not “show” mom your blog, I mentioned it, and mom would never be able to find it with the alias you go by.

I am sick and tired of the drama you seem to constantly need to surround yourself in.

Get over yourself sista, seriously, your drama is getting old.”

This folks from my older sister who for the record I have not spoken to for longer than about fifteen minutes in about six months, our last meaningful conversation happened around March 2009 when I moved from Cape Town back to Joburg.

I will not argue her having a right to her opinion, frankly that would make me a hypocrite, and for all I am and am not, that is a no go.  My point here is, I NEVER claimed to be blame free, never said I had done nothing wrong, I was just expressing my feelings.  I have checked over, and again to be sure, to see if at any point I claimed my blog to be forensically factual, I have yet to see such a disclaimer so feel compelled to ask, “We all know this blog is about how *I* feel and think etc.  Right?”  Good, glad we got that out of the way.

So here I go, an attempt at addressing this comment, point by point.  Though I think I have handled the point of this being *my* blog already.

I always paint everyone but myself in a bad light.  Well now.  Let me have a look see, nope, nothing.  No gratuitous, “look at me”, “I am fucking marvelous” anywhere, go figure eh?  I hide my true self from everyone including myself.  An interesting bit of psycho analysis from someone who has not physically seen me in months.  I know who I am.  Sometimes  am as bold as to think, in fleeting moments mind you, that I quite like who I am.  I know what matters to me and what doesn’t as well as who matters and who doesn’t.  I have never backed down from a mistake I have made, sure there was some ugly mud slinging, name calling and buck passing along the way, but, and it is a BIG but, I never shirked my responsibility, and took full consequences, hard as it was at times, and got up and tried again.

She did not “show” my mother my blog, she only mentioned it.  Ironically, when I called her for some sisterly advice, she claimed to not want to get involved, said both my mother and I had issues and it needed sorting out from both sides.  Why then, for the love of God WHY?!!!  Add fuel to the fire by “mentioning” my blog to her?  Ah but then this is me being dramatic again *sigh*

Let me get this out, once and for all ok?  I have fucked up, many times, in many ways, and have hurt many people in so doing.  I have lied and cheated and stolen.  I have blamed and name called and been a real brat.  Yes, I have done things that would make you cringe and probably throw rocks were you ever to see me in the streets.

I concede, for many years, I was ill equipped to make the right choice or to do

the right thing.  I have fallen, I have gotten back up.  I have bumps and bruises and battle scars to prove I made the mistake.  I have love, my children, a fiancé who would die for me and friends who are like angels to show me I have learned from my mistakes.

I blame no one but myself for all that I am.  I have learned my lessons, always the hard way.  I am still working toward one day being someone I can be at peace with, I am always learning, always moving and never giving up.

I ask only now for the forgiveness I have given those who have wronged me and the space to bump my head and mould myself.  If you have nothing positive to add, please, I will ask again, leave.  Don’t read my blog.  Leave me be.

Lucky legs 11—-> I always wanted to say that :)

The weekend was way too short, I know so many people say this so often but really when you factor a three hour nap on a Sunday afternoon in, a weekend really is not a long time.

We went to the Velskoen Drive In on Friday night, it was awesome, much flash backs to childhood.  We only managed to stay through the first movie, The Tourist, with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, which was really very good.  By the time it ended, it was quarter to ten, the kids were all fast asleep and we still had an hour or so to drive to get home.  At R70.00 a car it really is a reasonable outing for a good price specially if you plan ahead and pack snacks.

Saturday we ran errands, which has got to be my worst pas time ever.  Patience is not my strong suite.  Add that I had cramps and was bloated and just wanted to die on the couch for a while and imagine how much fun this was for D, poor guy.  Anyhoo, on our way into a particular shopping centre to go to CAN we pass a pet store, “Look at the puppy, “ yells Monster, “He looks just like Spud.”  Now Spud is my doggy who I loved very, very much and I was heart broken when he was stolen, I cried and posted notices and checked with vets and SPCAs etc everywhere.  So after a saw this puppy and he did in fact look just like Spud, I HAD to have him, and after much pouting and sulking and almost crying D gave in and bought him for me.  YAY!!!  So now we have a new little boy by the name of Aries (D named him btw) and he is a bundle of wiggle and puppy breath and makes me super happy.

The mother has been in an oddly good mood of late, she has even managed a few pleasantries and what not so not all bad.  I have as yet, not told her we are moving out.  Am waiting for the right moment.

The MIL is again pissed off with me and frankly I could not care less if I tried.  At some point she will need to accept that Squish is not only D’s child and that I am in fact his mother.  She cannot try and give D instructions on MY child by bypassing or avoiding me.  I had a good go at her yesterday cos Squish was having a tantrum and bumped his mouth during and started crying.  He was bleeding but in the not too serious self inflicted kind of way.  I was trying to deal with the tantrum and was not going to allow a little blood to defeat the lesson here.  So I cleaned his mouth and put him in his cot to cool off.  The Mil tells D to go pick him up and comfort him cos he is sore.  I lost it, totally.  Told her he is only sore cos he was throwing a tantrum and NOONE will pick him up.  She has been ignoring me since.  I could not give a fuck.  That is all.

Work appears to be back in full swing which is both good and bad.  I feel as though I am living in limbo right now, waiting for March, waiting for the move, waiting to be able to live.  I know I am losing what is happening now, what matters and just how great here and now is or could be.  I just cannot reconcile

present situations with happiness I intend to become a total ray of sunshine once we move, until then just existence and apprehension is about as good as it is going to get.

I have been eating non stop and have yet to go back to gym L  Next week it will change, monthlies will be over I will no longer feel inclined to kill for chocolate.  Then gym and water will sustain me to skinniness.

I have also decided I am keeping my hair dark, it looks better and is closer to what is natural, no more hi lights and such for me thanks.

I don’t make resolutions but I know for sure that this year we will get married, be it in court or some elaborate affair, we will start to make a dent in our debt and buy a new car, we will eat better exercise more and end this year healthier and we will live for us and our children and not for anyone or anything else.

So 2011, you ready to be taken from behind then?

Today

They tried to steal my mother’s car this afternoon. Its not funny. I am smiling.

Let me give you a wee bit of background here. With all the fights etc that have been going on, she has taken to rather spitefully getting lunch each day for her my brother and D’s mom, she NEVER gets for D or the kids who are at home as well. Spiteful, childish behavior. They tried to steal her car while she, D’s mom and my brother were out to lunch having left D and my kids at home to sort for themselves. Can anyone say karma?

I know my response now may well be childish too, but forgive me I live between a rock (D’s mom) and a hard place (my mom and brother). My sanity left with the sun some time ago and is only due to return when we move at the beginning of march.

Work has been quiet today but this is the first time I am actually even attempting to blog. My mind is so full of things I need to get off my chest and out of my head. For now I am trying, ever so hard, to keep my head above water.

That’s it for today me thinks, more tomorrow!

In which, I purge

So I shall do my happy dance here, we have been told our little (not really little but bear with me) house will be ours as at the second weekend in March, can anyone say YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!  I cannot wait to be out of my mother’s house, I cannot wait to not live in permanent hostility and I seriously cannot wait to live according to my plans and only have to live up to my standards.  Slap me and call me Susan, I am THAT excited!!!

In other news, living with both the mother and mother-in-law is becoming a superb challenge.  I get told how to do everything, down to how I should fold shirts, they are my shirts, it should be my choice, right?  Anyhoo, after our huge fight over the weekend the MIL has now taken to ignoring me, this apparently if her withdrawing to avoid conflict, well according to D anyway.  I feel the need to add here that she chats to my mother ad nausium and follows her around like a lost puppy, pathetic, really childish and sadly so ridiculous it must be true.

I am just putting my head down and focusing on what I need to do.  Looking at areas that were deemed challenges at work, doing some freelance make-up stuff (please hit me up if you need make-up for an event or a make-up lesson I could use all the spare cash right now) and my daughter starting Grade 1 any day now.  Also, I must make more of an effort to learn to say no this year.  I give too much too easily and usually this ends badly only for me, so for my sanity it must end.

Right now I honestly feel like my mother and MIL are consuming my life, every argument, conversation and resolution centres around them.  I hate that I have given them that power and cannot wait to be able to snatch it away like a shiny play thing, I have had enough!  This is my life dammit, and I can’t help but wonder this; if I am truly so damned awful, why do I have a fiancé and awesome friends who love me?  See?  So wah mother, you prophet of doom and nay sayer, I have love, in abundance, from the awesomest of people, so wah!

D and I are really wanting to have our wedding this year and it kills me right down to the bottom of my soul that the only thing standing in our way is money L  We have found the best venue at a great price but neither of us has the R8000.00 deposit, nor do I think we could raise it in time.  Clearly neither of us have parents to help out either, my mother has dubbed a wedding a waste of money.  Go figure, in her mind I do not deserve a fairy tale, heck if she had her way I’d be alone living under a bridge somewhere I am sure.  I would love to have a pretty wedding, to be the centre of attention and to have an album of pictures to look fondly at with my grandchildren one day.  Sadly.  It is most likely not going to happen.

The Squish is FINALLY walking, at the ripe old age of 18 months, now he is busier than ever and obsessed with shoes, which makes me think he may well be my kid after all J  Monster is getting so tall now, reckon in 4 or so years he will be taller than me, and I am not exactly short ftr.  Princess is super excited to be going to big school and asks daily how long till she can go, bless her.

My family ie D and the kids, make me so proud and so happy, I cannot wait to share my space with only these precious people.  That, right now, is my idea of heaven.

I know I will look back on now and be ok with having left this in the past.  I have always believed in ending toxic relationships if they are bad for you, my question is, can one ever really end a relationship with a parent?  Is it better to walk away entirely or should I allow the cycle of we fight, we don’t talk for months, we start talking, things are ok, we co-exist for a bit, things start to build and we’re right back at fighting.  I don’t hate my mother, I no longer blame her for what is wrong with my life, though I did for the longest time, I suggested therapy, she refused, I just find the whole back and forth exhausting.  She resents me because I got involved with the wrong guy who was a crack head and stole a whole lot of her stuff, funny how she fails to feel any sympathy for the fact that he stole all my stuff and nearly killed me and totally messed up my life, she resents me for being “my father’s child”, I will never be one of my siblings, and she can never take back the fact, that on so many levels, she failed me as a mother.

The real question is does it matter?  Do I continue to live in hope that one day I may actually earn her approval/love or do I cut my losses, close the chapter and move on with my life?  Can one ever really end the relationship with a parent?

*sigh*

Clearly this year has not started on the best note, but I tell you, the best thing about hitting the bottom is that there is only one way left to go, and that’s up!

This year will be my bitch, you just wait and see!

And another one….

New year, sadly, same shit as always.

My sister, the older one, seems to have been reading my blog, let us all take a moment, and tell her nicely, if she is reading this, to please redirect her browsing, this is MY space, not intended for you, so please just go away.  She went on to show my mother, and to put it mildly the shit has hit the fan.

According to my mother, I have been on a rampage to tell all and sundry what an evil bitch she is.  Let me take a moment here.  First and most importantly, this blog is anonymous, not many people who read it actually know who I even am in the real world, I don’t use real names, I protect the privacy of those in my life.  So the mother with whom I have so many issues, any of you know her?  Is she now walking around branded with the words bad mother?  I think not.  Also, had anyone taken the time to really read my post where she is mentioned, it is hardly all bad.

Irrespective, it is my blog, about how I FEEL, not once did I claim this to be totally factual, of course there is another side to the story, if my words are so horrible please feel free to write your own blog where you can blame me and call me names.  Frankly, this is cheaper and easier than therapy, and to my mind more effective.

For the last time, if you don’t like it, DON”T FUCKING READ IT!!! No one invited you to anyway.

Anyhoo, on the other things now.  My life has been nothing but constant fights over the last month and a half.  Screaming matches with both my mother and my mother in law.  Awful words, harsh accusations, name calling, mud slinging and general nastiness from all sides.  I am now done, I will only fight for what matters, for D and for my kids and for our life and our family, I am switching off to everything else.

I am tired of fighting, tired of being blamed and tired of accepting the blame.  Yes I said some awful, hurtful things but I am not the only one, so why am I the only one worse off for it?

Oi, pity party alert.  I will NOT let this get me down!  This will be the year I will turn things around for myself.  I will work hard for the right reasons, and at the end of this year I will look back on this and see it as the kick up the ass I needed to get motivated.

I was going to delete this blog in light of recent events but have decided against it in the end.  Screw the haters frankly!

From here on up, up and awaaaaaaay!!!