Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end…

It is my last week of work for the year, this is both a huge relief and completely overwhelming in the “where the hell has my year dissapeared to” kind of way.  I am tired.  I need leave.  But.  Wasn’t it just July?!!

This year has had a lot of ups and downs and good and bad, same as any year I guess.

Note worthy happening of 2010 are as such;

  • I got engaged, sadly not for the first time, but in my heart of hearts I know it will be the last time.  This is the relationship I want to be in when I am 80.
  • I had a total shift in career, like total.  I went from working in the financial industry to working in the beauty industry.  I leave this year a make-up artist, stylist and beauty consultant rather than a financial adviser, it feels damn awesome 🙂
  • I (sort of) mended my relationship with my mother.  We are living together where this time last year we were not even talking.  It has been hard, always will be me thinks, but for now our relationship is (just barely) functioning.
  • I grew up, a lot.  I made real plans, set real goals, paid school fees, did grocery shopping and planned holidays.  It was sobering to be accountable for everything,  I am grateful for what I learned.
  • I (eventually) started blogging again.  It feels good to write.  My mind seems more ordered this way.
  • I moved three times.  Exhausting I tell you.  I have faith that next year, if all goes according to plan, shall be a move free year.  (fingers crossed)
  • We, D the kids and myself, have really become a family.  We love and fight like a family.  I love that between the five of us there are only two star signs.  D and Monster are Geminis while Princess, Squishy and Blake are all Cancerians.  Leads to a lot of bumping heads, but we make it work.
  • I joined the gym.  Yay me!  I am going to lose the spare tyre, just watch this space 🙂

My journey to the end of this year has been far more sunshine and rainbows than dark harrowing trials in comparison to last year.  I know I bitch and moan a lot and just generally come across as ungrateful, but, truthfully, behind my cynical facade, lies my heart.  This heart that could just burst wide open it is so filled with love for my family, my friends and all that is right in my life.  The bad, truly, is so miniscule in comparison to the good.

I did not make any new years resolutions at the end of last year, I only wanted to end this year happier, healthier and wealthier, and I surpassed even my own expectations.  I may not have cash money, but my health is so much greater than this time last year, I have love, so much of it.  I have so much that so many people do not.

Oi.

For fear of getting all sappy, I shall go and find something to bitch about and be back later.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Me

So you have walked along road to today, you have bumps and bruises and running mascara that proves it wasn’t always easy, I love, really love, how you never gave up.  I love that after each fall you got up, dusted yourself off and carried on.  I love how you never relied and anyone else to do it for you.

I love that you know who you are and that you are unwilling to compromise that for approval or to be liked, or for anything really.

I love that you love as freely as you do and give so generously, you are a great mom, fiance, daughter, sister, friend and colleague:)

I love that you have passion and give so much to the things that matter to you.  I love that you sing in the car and wear red lipstick to cheer yourself up.

I love that you think outside the box and are willing to try most things at least once.

Lady.  You.  Are.  Awesome.

Never change, the world may shift of its axis.

Love Me

PS Cut yourself some slack, not everything is your fault or your problem, it is ok to be selfish sometimes.

xxx

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Sadly. Yes.

Many times.  Have tried to end it a couple of times.  But I am still here. Still fighting.  My job here is obviously not yet done.

Honestly though I have grown up a lot, I know now that it is not the answer and I am grateful in fact for the strength of mind to know that I am not done.

I wanna meet my grandkids dammit!

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

As I said in a previous post, had I not fallen pregnant at the age of sixteen, I would most likely be dead.

Knowing I was having a baby gave me purpose, gave me a reason to not numb my life with drugs and alcolhol.  It gave me resolve and forced me to fight back.

My monster came to me to save my life and for nine years now he has been my reason to get up when I fall, my reason to aim higher and try harder.  At a time he was the ONLY thing I lived for.

Thank you whoever or whatever, for bringing him to me, for giving my my heart in the form of a blonde haired blue eyed angel, who has taught me so much more than I anyone else ever will.

I am so infinitely grateful that you, my big boy, chose me to be your mommy.  I love you to the moon and back, always and forever!

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

My Dearest D

You came into my life at a time when I thought love was a lie and happily ever after existed only in fairytales and on TV, you changed all that.  You changed me.

You made me realise I have this reserve of love that has been lying dormant for the longest time.  What we have is so special, we dispell myths and are living proof, that love, is always enough.

The first song I dedicate to you, my baby, is, Beautiful Soul by Jesse Mc Cartney, “I don’t want another pretty face, I don’t want just anyone to hold.  I don’t want my love to go to waste.  I want you and your beautiful soul.”

Then, If I didn’t have yoy by Amanda Marshall, this song will be our first dance, when we eventually manage to get a wedding together. “I’d give up my sight just to see you, I’d beg I would borrow and steal, cut off my hands just to touch you and tear out my heart so you know how I feel.  There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do, cos I wouldn’t wanna be me, if I didn’t have you.”

The Reason by Hoobastank, you know why 😉

Fools rush in by Elvis, we may have done everything pretty darn quickly in the beginning but we weren’t wrong were we?

Lastly, Stickwityou by Pussy Cat Dolls, cos I know, “Nobody’s gonna love me better, I’m gonna stick wit you forever.”

I love you.  I cannot wait to be your wife and to spend forever with you.

xxx

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I has studied after school.  I was always an excellent student and very much an academic.

But my daughter was born the year after I finsihed school, I had nappies to buy and kids to raise and studying was just never an option.

Until today, I have never had the money to study, if someone gave me the financial backing to study I would give up sleep for four years to get a degree.

Alas, it is not likely to happen, so maybe one day.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

There is honestly nothing I wish I hadn’t done because as trite as it sounds each and every action has brought me to here and now.

And that may not be perfect, but it is pretty damn incredible.

So yes I have visited the depths of despair and have had highs of which the memories make my heart sing.

I have learned from each mistake, I have treasured every moment of beauty, and shall continue to do so without holding back or regretting things.

Live in the now, it is all that is certain.