Round and round she goes….

This week has been an interesting mix of ups and downs for me, I suppose at 18 weeks pregnant one should expect that things are not likely to be smooth sailing.

Let me begin with a recount of Saturday gone passed, we joined the lovely Tamiya and her family for A2’s birthday party.  In an aside, I seriously love her kids, like really awesome little dudes those.  It was such a lovely day and the birthday boy was too cute in his monster pants with his rosy cheeks and sweet smile.  So much love for the monster child and for Tamiya and a truly lovely party

Saturday also marked the anniversary of my father’s death.  I still get sad when I realize I will never see him again.  I still get angry at him for leaving and I still wish with everything I am that he could have met his grandkids.  I was always daddy’s little girl, something for which I have paid dearly whether I wanted to or not.  I miss him for reasons as simple as he used to call just to say hi and that he loved me.  I miss him because he was always on my side.  I miss the unconditional love I got from him.  I get he wasn’t perfect, I get he did bad things but he was the only dad I ever had and I miss him.

On the topic of family, wow, where to begin.  I am doing my best to help my mom and apparently hoping for a little gratitude for the help I am giving is asking too much.  According to my sister I owe for her for time we lived with her when D wasn’t working.  I was chatting to a colleague about it as it made me very sad to have it viewed that way and I was snot crying at my desk.  I was reminded that when we stayed with my mom we bought groceries, paid the domestic who cleaned and did washing for everyone and paid rent and we didn’t stay there for nothing.  It struck me then how much it hurts me that my sister and I used to be best friends and now she is not even my sister, rather my biggest critic.

Now I am not going to go off on a I hate my sister tirade, because truth be told I don’t.  I miss my sister.  I miss being able to talk to her without ending up in tears.  I wish she could be my big sister again and care about me and my life.  I wish she wasn’t always too busy to talk or make time for me.  I wish I mattered to her.  I don’t.  I guess I just have to build a bridge and get over it.  Such is life and all that.

My younger sister has now officially moved out, I don’t hate her either, despite having some harsh things to say over recent times.  What is said cannot be unsaid and what is done cannot be undone, no use trying to pretend.  Honestly I hope she does well.  I hope she grows up a little and learns that actions have consequences and that she is not a kid anymore.  I hope she is happy.  For my own sanity, I hope not to have to see her or have anything to do with her for a long time.  She has done a number of things that have hurt me deeply.  Until our most recent fight I hadn’t realized just how deeply.  It was almost ten years ago, I should be past this, but in the depths of my heart the wound is still so raw.  Her actions had such resounding consequences in my life, huge implications that not a single person knows about.  It is hard for me not to blame her.  This is why I need time out.  I need time to heal my own wounds away from the person I believe to be responsible.

I am in a difficult place right now, being pregnant and very emotional leads to being nostalgic and sentimental and missing people who aren’t around anymore.  It makes me sad that no one seems to be excited about us having a baby, we are thrilled, we *tried* to get pregnant, we wanted this baby so much and no one actually cares.  My mom seems indifferent, my older sister reverts to talking about how she wishes she was pregnant and D’s family have hardly even acknowledged the impending arrival of a brand new baby girl.  It makes me very sad as I believe a baby should be born into an abundance of love so I am going to have to do a little extra to welcome my little girl in January.

Work is completely getting me down I still feel completely ignored because of the language barrier and I am doing effectively twice the amount of work the other two members of my ‘team’ are doing.  I never have time to go to the loo never mind actually take lunch or tea so am getting lectures on how I have to eat for the baby while never being given time to actually eat.  I am exhausted and intend to apply for some leave next month, just a day or three to rest and recharge.  I have earned it dammit.

I am still incredibly tired, so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open past lunch time.  So much for energy in the second trimester, my whole body hurts and for whatever reason my morning sickness is back with a vengeance L  I am not a happy pregnant person I just cannot wait for this baby to be cooked already

At the end of every day though, when it is just my little family alone together, there is so much love and so much joy and I am so incredibly grateful for my naughty kids who are home with me.  I am so glad to have a grumpy man around because he is there and not out with his friends or in a bar or making excuses to not help out.  I have in love, health and happiness more than I could ever hope to accumulate in material wealth.  You may need new things and a fancy car/house/clothes/jewelery/social life to be happy, I ‘ll take my kids, my messy home, my dogs and my incredible relationship over all of that anyday.

I am surrounding myself with who and what matters and remaining positive throughout because it is my life and I am not going to let anyone decide how I should live it but me.

A Case of the sads :(

I am not feeling very happy today, I have a lot on my mind and am not sure how to process all of it and how to get back to feeling sunshiny happy.

At the forefront of my unhappiness is my work situation.  I like my job and the company I work for, I do not like being ignored and spoken around because I am white.  I am not racist, I abhor racial generalization and honestly believe we are all too young to be too greatly moulded by what the history of our country is.  I am the only white person on my team.  I speak English, Afrikaans (no one else does) a basic amount of Zulu, some French and some Spanish, our official business language is English.  I am the only one who ever speaks English.  I do not speak enough Zulu, or any Sotho, to understand the conversation that goes on around me all day.  I get dirty looks when asked for my opinion and responding with, “I didn’t understand the question.”  *sigh*

I spoke to my direct manager, who is new, and basically she brushed me off and now speaks less English than before.  I spoke to her manager, who also happens to be the ethics manager for the company and was told to not personalize it as it is not about me, I should just assume it is not aimed at me or about me.  Thing is I feel like I am being placed at a definite disadvantage as I miss out on a lot of what is said as I do not understand it.  I do not feel like a part of this team and spend most of my time excluded and quiet.

The fight with my sister around asking her to move out has escalated and turned so much uglier than it ever needed to be, this also is making me angry and sad in equal measures.  I am so done with fighting and negativity and all the ugliness.  My body aches with the effort it takes to keep my shit together and not fly off the handle.

My mom has not been working for nearly a year and yes she and I do not get along at the best of times but seeing her suffer is not something I would ever have wished for.  My sister has taken over her car payment and D and I are giving her some money to help with the bond and buying her what she needs here and there.  I actually sat at my desk and cried yesterday when I called her to ask what she needs, and my mother, the woman who always payed her own way and made certain we never went to bed hungry, asked me for toilet paper, toothpaste and deodorant stung quite badly.  I am doing all I can but I cannot cover her expenses and wish someone, anyone would see past her age and give her a chance at a job.  She has worked at management level for one of the big four banks and has so much experience that would be very valuable to a company.  I just wish she could work, for money and for her self worth

I am *still* always tired and never seem to get enough sleep.  My blood pressure is still high, no doubt because of stress, and I just feel like I need a massage and a pedicure and a huge glass of dry lemon to perk up a little.  Alas, no time and no money for such luxuries.

On the flip side I have my kids, who have been fairly well behaved of late (touch wood) and I have D, who is my knight in shining armour and honestly my biggest fan and supporter and I have so much I am grateful for.  I just have a case of the sads, and I am sure it will pass.  I just hate not having control.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

I believe it is apparent that I have an opinion and have not in my 26 years of life ever been afraid to express it.  That said I find lately, likely because I am just too tired to fight, that I have begun to ignore things in the hopes that they go away.  Today, it has become blindingly apparent that this approach is not working.

Now we are all entitled to feel a certain way about anything really.  We are not all going to agree on everything.  That is fine.  Diversity is good, great even.  My point is there are certain issues, occurrences and so forth on which your feelings or opinion have absolutely no bearing.  Whether a person chooses to have sex with men or women for example, does not affect your life in the least.  No more so than if I should choose to have brown or red hair anyway.  They are not coming into your home and having sex on your bed blatantly forcing you to live their reality.  Leave it be.  Focus your energy on what matters in your life.

This rant is going somewhere I promise.  Now word to the wise, I am currently expecting my fourth child.  Now before you all choke on your coffee and launch into a chorus of how brave I am, know that I have chosen to have four children.  In choosing this I understand full well that as a family we may never own a second home at the coast, we may not drive fancy cars, we will likely continue with the hand me down systems and luxuries will always be saved as gifts for Christmas or birthdays.  Now let’s for a moment consider how this affects your life and the raising of your children.  That’s right, imagine that, it does absolutely nothing to change your life.  The shock.  The horror!

Let me straighten another little something out for you.  I loathe, abhor and detest the kind of people who make comments about not being able to afford a baby etc yack yack but then go on about their new car, big house, fancy dinners and frequent holidays.  I chose family over material things, that does not make me a lesser person.

There will be days when I cannot afford to do everything because for heaven’s sake I have three kids with one on the way and I am in my self payment gap on my medical aid, not ideal but we manage.  I am eternally sorry of you feel my excluding myself is a personal affront as that is not at all how it is intended.  I refuse to play the, ‘ I am broke’ card to avoid appearing to be looking for a charitable offer to pay my way.  I choose to exclude myself until such a time as I am able to pay my own way.  It matters to me and as such I do not project it into your life.

The real issue of late is people and their opinions on how I am raising my children.  What makes my blood boil is you get these accusations from people who don’t have children of their own.  People who have no responsibility beyond looking after themselves.  This brings me back to the question, am I raising your children?  Are my children being forced onto you?  Are our ideals and discipline methods affecting your daily life?  Have you ever given up something that matters to you for one of my children?  I thought not frankly.

I am not a perfect mother.  Truth be told I am not even a good mother.  On a good day I am a bearly functioning mother, to myself anyway.  Yet my kids, in their imperfect perfection, are good kids.  They are generally polite and friendly and well spoken and pretty smart I think.  Yet still I am bombarded with how I could handle things better

Were you there when I sat in the bath crying my eyes out over a fight I had with my eldest?  Were you there when I wiped snot and vomit and broke fevers at 2am?  Were you there when I had to explain the harsh realities of life to my children and hold them when they cried?  Were you affected by the losses we suffered together?  Do you know the journey we have walked as a family? 

You go on in your own world, drive your fancy car and eat your fancy dinner.  I chose to be home with my family eating hotdogs and watching the Disney channel.  I do not project my feelings onto your family I don’t criticize you for giving your children everything and neglecting to teach them the value of anything.  You deal with your stuff and for the love of cheese let us do the same.

Then it was August

You know this time thing totally has a way of getting away from me.  One minute its January and you are full of hope and positive feelings for the new year and what not and next thing its August and you’re pregnant and everything is different.

A lot has been going on recently and at the same time very little has actually happened.  I guess the biggest thing is the pregnancy.  I must say, this whole baking a baby thing seems to be getter harder with each attempt.  I am still dealing with morning sickness at almost 16 weeks, my clothes are already tight and I have yet to gain any of that magical energy that is supposed to come with the second trimester.  If the happy pregnancy fairies are listening, please feel free to sprinkle some on that happy healthy glow my way.  Thanks.

I have been told my pregnancy is now high risk because of  high blood pressure which is stress related and oddly enough also positional.  The only position in which my blood pressure drops is if I lie on my side and since I cannot do my job in this position I am on medication.  I am bad at medication and wish there was an easier way to fix it.  But for now my concern lies with carrying to term and having a healthy baby, so I will just continue to take the pills until told otherwise.

The next big thing I guess is that things with my sister living in our flat became unbearable.  She was taking advantage in a big way and I eventually lost my sense of humour.  I have asked her to move out by then end of the month and already feel so much happier for having made that decision and taking the step.  I am slowly creating a space in which my family and my happiness is the most important thing.  I am moving further away from my siblings and my mom by default since I find they more than anything seem to make me doubtful and insecure which is exactly what I am trying to avoid

 

On that subject, I am finding a few ‘friends’ sadly lacking in the good friend department.  It hurts my feelings to know that with some people you don’t hear from them if you don’t contact them.  They claim to be so busy and to not have time for anything but then you see on Face Book or whatever how they visited etc over the weekend.  Now don’t get me wrong, I *get* that we all have our own lives and stuff that keeps us busy etc but for serious sake, would it kill you to just say hi or respond to my tweets when I am scared or upset or just feeling down?  Enough of the pity party though.  I am of the mind that I don’t mean as much to you as you do to me and that is fine.  I, frankly, am pretty darn awesome at the good friend thing so you are losing, so you know.

Work has been much of the same though we have moved offices now which has come with its own set of challenges.  I however have a specific plan around getting to where I would like to be after my maternity leave and am doing the work to put those plans into action now already.  I do know for a certainty though that I will not stay here, in this department, beyond next year.  If I cannot grow internally I will look outside of the company so that I can grow and be challenged.

My children I think have taken a note from the rioters in the UK, I am not impressed with their current behavior and refuse to negotiate with terrorists so they are both (since it is just the older two) being sent off to therapy.  Lord knows my solutions are not having an effect right now so I must enlist the help of the wild animal whisperer.  *sigh* I know its because our nanny is on leave as her son was poisoned in Zim and she needed to go to him.  I know they do not like her sister who is standing in, frankly, neither do I.  But for now I honestly am done with punishment and taking things away and actually need a working solution to the chaos we are living in.  It is just until the end of them month, at least this is what I tell myself at least ten times a day.

Now despite all my moaning and stuff, right now I am happy.  I am also incredibly grateful.  I have three wonderful children who despite their sometimes wild behavior are good people.  They are kind and considerate and that over shadows the fact that they get up to nonsense and don’t do homework.  I also have D, who has never lied to me, respects me, compliments me, takes such good care of me and is just not wired to ever be unfaithful or dishonest.  I have seen so many relationships end this year, my sister and D’s brother are going through divorces.  I have seen people upset about being lied to and beliefs challenged because of behavior that can break relationships.  We have out ups and downs, trust me, but at the end of it we always remember what we have in each other.  We have love, we have trust, we have understanding and we have what is perfect for us.

I cannot imagine my life without him and hope to never have to.  We have this family who while so far from perfect get by with much love and patience.  We are not wealthy, we get by and some months are easier than others.  We are still recovering from the time D was unemployed actually but we never go to bed hungry, even if we just has scrambled eggs on toast.

So I guess the crux is for all I am and all that I am not, the biggest and best are that I am loved and I am grateful.