So I am twenty seven years old today. I am not, as I have said before, a fan of my birthday. I don’t get excited, I generally don’t get gifts. No one proclaims the day of my birth to be of any great importance. This year that is ok.
The last few weeks have been particularly hard, living with my mother when she is openly hostile toward not only me but my children as well. It makes my heart heavy and it weighs on me because I know I can’t change it and frankly don’t want to. I am not going to apologise this time. I was not wrong. I may have said some hurtful things but they all stem from the truth, the truth as I see it and based on my own feelings.
I am sad for my children though. Sad that they do not have grandparents who adore them and dote on them. They only have my mom and D’s mom, D’s mom is far away so isn’t around to play an active role and my mom thinks my kids are a mistake and good for nothing. That very fact there is why she doesn’t deserve them.
For some reason I always feel down on my birthday, I cannot remember a birthday looking back where I was happy. I get reflective and think back over the last year of my life and try to take stock of where I am a year on. This year I know, without a single doubt I have done a lot of growing up. My mindset has changed in so many ways and I feel like I am happy with who I am. The things I want or need to change are external, they are circumstances and situations not who I am. That feels good.
In keeping with being lazy and taking the easy way out I am going to list 27 things, happenings, facts, whatever from the year I was 26.
- I gave birth to my fourth and final baby. She is the epitome of lovely. Happy, beautiful and the absolute perfect addition to our family
- I sacrificed my home, my privacy and a lot of my money to move back in with my mother to help her with her expenses. This has not ended well.
- Toward the later part of last year I faced a very difficult situation with a ‘friend’, this has seen me withdraw a lot in terms of friendship. I am now less trustful and have lost my ability to feel sympathy.
- I stopped speaking to my younger sister. We had a huge fight and I realized a lot has happened over the last ten years or so that I never really forgave her for. I am not ready to have her in my life right now as a result. This is my issue and I will work through it when I am good and ready.
- I stopped blaming myself for my mother’s behavior toward me. I have realized she is so damaged because of the life she has lived. She has been so hurt and so badly treated that she doesn’t know what she does to me. I am not making it ok, but I know its not me who is broken here.
- I realized every single day how lucky I am. Lucky to have D and to have the love we do. Lucky to have amazing children who remind me why I try harder every day. Lucky to have people in my life who love me enough to tell me the truth, who love me enough to discourage self-pity and who love me enough to sms, bbm or email just because they were thinking of me.
- The year I was 26 saw the arrival of new friends, the letting go of some not so great friends and the absolute pleasure of those special people who have remained constant.
- While work has been tough, returning from maternity leave I am actively making an effort to grow in my career and I have decided not to be negative and to make the best of what I have. So far so good. Work doesn’t suck as much as it did.
- I spent nearly five months at home on maternity leave and for the first time ever really believe I would like to be a full time mom. I loved the time with my kids and having the time to cook interesting meals every night. If we could afford it I would love to stay home full time.
- I shared a dark secret with D, something I have never told anyone and something I don’t think I ever will tell anyone else. I am glad I told D but feel like crying as I had to relive what happened when I told him.
- I got very sick and had to face my own physical limitations, not easy.
- I stood up for myself, in so many situations. I stopped allowing people to railroad me.
- I redefined what family means to me
- I finally bought many beautiful things for my home that reflect my personality
- I set new boundaries in terms of what I will and won’t allow in my life
- I hatched a plan for the future, for now it is a secret plan but something I am really looking forward to
- I discovered The Script and have been listening to their music a lot and find it speaks to my soul.
- I went to gym and actually started to enjoy it
- I started planning a wedding, which was put on hold when we found out we were having a baby. I am sad we are not married yet but think my baby girl is far better than any wedding could ever have been.
- D turned 30, he did not suddenly turn frail despite his dramatic whining that he might
- I gave my time to a few worthy causes which was humbling and reminded me how different my life could have been
- I let someone I didn’t know cut and colour my hair, it was quite an edgy cut and I love it
- I laughed and I cuddled and I loved so much
- Nothing that happened the whole year I was 26 was enough to make me give up
- I learned a lot about so many things.
- I have laughed, loved, cried, cuddled, danced and played.
- More than anything I survived. Nothing that happened when I was 26 was enough to get me to give up.
Onward and upward. I know from what I have planned than 27 is going to be a good age. Let’s see just what 27 has in store for me J