So I have been so busy and not really in the right space emotionally and it has kept me from posting on here. So much has happened and so much is different I don’t really know where to start.
So we moved out of my mom’s house. She left for work on Friday morning and came home to us and all our things having been cleared from her home. I know it seems really harsh and have been told more than once by more than one person that I handled it poorly. To be fair though I did it to avoid another fight. One can only be told how selfish and useless you are before it becomes tiresome. The truth is my mother and I cannot have a relationship. I am done fighting for approval and according to her she is just done. Shit happens and onward and upward and all that.
I have mourned my relationship with her and made peace with never seeing her again. I can imagine all the gasps of horror and the chorus of the is your mother retorts. Sigh. I am past it. This has been the single most negative relationship in my life. The one that always leaves me feeling less than. I asked my mother when I was ten if the thought I was pretty, she could not say yes the best ache could manage was average. The truth is she has been through so much in her own life. She is so damaged I think to the point of not understanding even how negatively her inability to love me has affected my life. I don’t blame her anymore. I hope the van forgive those who hurt her and find some peace for herself. It cannot be pleasant to live with the burden of so much anger and hatred. I hope she is happy. I hope she does well. But fact remains it is no longer my concern. I have said my goodbyes so there will be no agonizing over whether or not to attend funerals at some point in the future. It will never be my loss to mourn as I have done my mourning now.
So much morbidity right? On the positive side I have started a new job. I am now working retail which is not without its own set of challenges but I do so love what I do and the brand I represent. There may be an even bigger and more exciting move in the new year but only time will tell. For now I am loving that I get paid to talk to people.
On the home front our new house is fantastic, I absolutely live having our own space again. Everyone is calmer and happier than they have been for ages. Dare I say it, the kids’ behaviour has even improved. Hell even the nanny is happier. It is without a doubt what we had to do for our family.
Haedyn is still totally mad about sport and he Ian doing well at school as well. Mycaela has done a complete turn around and is now getting more merits than demerits and her work has improved ten fold. I feel like shaking her teacher and saying I told you so. But won’t.
Blake is going through a bit of an adjustment with my new work hours and this morning would not eat anything unless I made it. For now we are just being extra patient and giving him list of extra attention. He really has never been difficult so it’s hardly an issue.
Kyra is finally rolling over and can sit but doesn’t last long and she constantly wants to move so flops over a lot still. She is as sweet and lovely as ever and my only complaint is that she is growing up way too fast. I swear new borns and baby bumps make me want another baby and it’s utter madness cos I truly don’t want another baby. I would love to be a surrogate before retiring my baby factory but only for the right person under the right circumstances.
Anyhoo, enough of my rambling. Please excuse poor spelling as it is my first post from my touch screen phone and it’s a learning curve.
Till next time x