So yesterday the wheels fell off a bit for me. It marked twelve years since my father died and honestly I sometimes miss him so much it is a physical sensation. I know he would have completely adored my children, they would have made him so proud. The fact that my mother could not be arsed to realize how wonderful they are makes it that much worse. A lot happened yesterday, not least of all D forgot it was the anniversary of my father’s death. I may have let that slide if I didn’t remember the date his dad died and make a big effort to be supportive every year. I was not feeling much love for him last night.
Now a confession. I have been walking around telling people I don’t care. I don’t care that my mother hates me, I don’t care that things are crap right now, I don’t care that I get treated like a lepper at work, I don’t care that people are selfish and inconsiderate. Truth is, I do. I care so much that my chest is tight and I feel like I am never more than moments from losing it completely and just having a nervous breakdown. I can’t though. My job is to keep shit together for my kids and for D and for myself to a large degree.The fact that I can keeps me sane and makes me want to bang my head on the table in equal measure.
I get that reading my blog may lead you to believe I am neurotic and completely unbalanced when the truth is that in person I am the most even tempered and calm and happy person as a general rule. I am really good at the whole happy façade and I am often told how idyllic my life looks from the outside. If only those people could see my in the morning in my mismatched pyjamas, baby drool hanging from my unbrushed hair, no make-up to hide my bad skin, while yelling at D and swatting a wayward child and trying to check Twitter all at once. Sigh.
I am very much in limbo right now, but this will make more sense in time, when the things that need to happen do and I have an actual story to tell. I am stuck between old and new right now, anxious, unsure and more than a little scared. I know things will work out, I have absolutely no doubt but the getting there is a nerve wracking process.
I know I am rambling and for this to make sense there is so much more I need to say (write) but for right now I can’t for numerous reasons, not least of all that arsehole Murphy who lurks whenever I get too confident about something good. Soon the pieces will fit together and it will make sense.
I just feel like my mind is too loud right now. I am constantly three thoughts ahead of myself even. I don’t know what or who needs more of my attention and at times I just want to scream to calm my own internal dialogue. Maybe I have finally cracked? Is this what crazy feels like?
I want to be like the mom on the cereal ads, the one who lovingly looks on as her children eat their breakfast, not the ranting lunatic moaning that what I have given them is all they are getting and they WILL eat it because they HAVE TO eat before school. I want to be delighted about Mycaela’s friendship with Kwezi instead of thinking my child is being brainwashed by an eight year old know-it-all. I want to tell Haedyn to kick the little shit who calls other kids names in the nuts so hard he will never have children instead of telling him some children are just mean because they are jealous. I want to want my own life more right now.
Truth is, all I want is 24 hours of solitude, silence and chocolate. Too much to ask?