This week has been a special kind of hell. It was my first week at work after my nearly five months of maternity leave. I can safely report that nothing has changed at all. I am still outcast due to race/language, I am still the only person who has a solid sense of work ethic and I can still think of a thousand places I would rather be than here.
I have had to adjust to getting up at the ungodly hour of five o’clock. I have had to leave my baby at home all day and get home every night but one to a fast asleep baby in her cot. My heart aches for all that I am missing with her. I miss playing with Blake and truth be told I even miss the school run with Haedyn and Mycaela. I have always sworn blind that I need to work for my own sanity, for the first time I have my doubts.
I will admit to having missed a few faces around the office and enjoying catching up a little this week. I had my hair done by Roz, part of the Redken Master Artist class, stunning cut and colour, really am very happy with my new hair. But, the ever present but, I am no happier here than I was last year
I had hoped some time off to gain some perspective and to rest and enjoy my family would see me back and full of energy and passion for my work, sadly even the most fervent efforts would be wasted in current conditions. Now to blow smoke up my own arse here, but I am damned good at what I do, I am ambitious and driven and pay attention to detail. I am without doubt an asset here yet get treated like scum purely because I don’t speak zulu and am therefore excluded from all the banter etc in our office. I am seriously considering lodging a grievance this year. The good news is no one can make me feel like I am over reacting cos I am hormonal.
Our living situation sucks, like really. Our lease for our house was coming to an end in February, and we looked at a few properties and found one we loved but were faced with the issue of my mom not having a permanent job and possibly having to sell her car or house to survive. Both D and I are too stupid/selfless/caring/guilty/whatever to carry on with our lives while my mom stood on the brink of losing what she had worked her whole life for.
So with a six week old baby and three other kids we gave up our space/freedom and a large chunk of our finances to move back into my mom’s house so we could pay her bond, the water and lights, rates and taxes and give her a little breathing room to get back on her feet.
STUPID STUPID STUPID of us to believe that we would be shown any respect or god forbid a little gratitude for what we have done. Effectively we get treated like crap regardless, my mom still has her “My house, my rules” ideology, despite the fact that we are actually supporting the system. My brother lives there too, contributes VERY little and consumes A LOT. It is frustrating as hell. We are spending more on our living costs than before, we have no privacy and we are often talked about behind our backs, treated with little to no respect and looked to to supply their wants and needs. So work sucks but going home is not much better. Only worth it to be with my kids.
I guess the main reason I am so frustrated is that this whole life thing seems to be going in circles, no major breakthrough, no big break, no light at the end of the tunnel or future event to look forward to. Fuck. This is not what I wanted to be when I ‘grew up’
That said, and lest my pity party become totally dreary, I do have four fantastic kids and a fiancé I love lots lots. I have a job, even if it is kak, I have my health, with a few extra layers of padding :p and I have my mind (for now) which means I am smart enough to know this too shall pass.
You may notice I have not mentioned friends, maybe not. I am honest to go not feeling very friendly right now, I have been a kak friend and have buried my head in my own life and have not wanted any interruption into my time with my last baby. I am kinda bored of the talk of cliques and exclusivity and I am more or less than you. My eyes just glazed over typing that. For the record, I am of the mind that regardless of many things, mother/not mother, fat/thin, black/white/purple/green, rich/poor, young/old blah blah blah ad nauseum we are all PEOPLE. Stop being so damned judgy and get on with your own stuff.
I don’t generally comment, I exclude myself cos frankly I am not pretty or hip or cool or fabulous. I am a frumpy mom of four clinging to the last thread of my sanity hiding my scream behind a thin smile and enthusiastic nod of my head. I do not care what car anyone drives, who made their jeans or how much money they make, if we can share a laugh or commiserate over something we have both experience that is great. I like people, when they step out from behind the pretense and are just human.
I have matured to the point where I no longer crave validation and approval from anyone. My fiancé thinks I am awesome, beautiful and a genius, really, ask him 😀 my kids love me despite my inability to be all earth mother and home school domestic goddess. Actually, truly, that’s enough. I think some people are pretty freaking awesome, one very special person who messaged me when I most needed it this week, the friend who loves me enough to be my voice of reason and those who allow me the freedom to go a little loopy. If they happen to think I am awesome too, if not, that’s ok, some people have enough awesome to make up for those who don’t have any.
This post has turned out a bit muddled, no surprise really since that is the state of my life right now. I leave you with wishes of peace and hot chocolate with marshmallows for the chilly weekend ahead