Being more me

So I know I have explained before why I am not a ‘mommy blogger’ but to be fair I have not shared the whole story. So let’s start at the beginning shall we? I became a mom on a cold May morning back in 2002. I was 16, I was terrified and I had absolutely no idea who I was let alone how I was going to parent the beautiful cherub in my arms.

I didn’t want children (don’t die laughing now) I was as sure as anyone at 16 could be about what I wanted my life to be. I was (am) smart and ambitious and had such big dreams, dreams that were placed on hold when I saw two pink lines on a home pregnancy test.

I never had the chance to consider motherhood as an option, I never yearned for a baby and I cannot relate to those women who know they were born to be mothers. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with it, I just cannot relate in any way, shape or form.

My blog has become a space for me to vent, to say what I can’t (won’t) say out loud. The place where I come to be myself uncensored, or so I thought. So much of who I am is being a mom, I have four kids, clearly this takes up a lot of my time and energy. Yet, I find myself avoiding blogging about them and I finally figured out why.

At the ripe old age of nearly 27 I have never truly explored who I am. I have never had the luxury of taking time to ‘find myself’. I am mother, daughter, sister, fiancé, colleague, friend and employer but I have no idea who I really am. This has lead me to trying to be just me, without fulfilling any of my daily roles, in this space and that is most likely why I have had absolutely nothing to write about while on maternity leave. I have been so absorbed by my role as mother that nothing else seems to matter and for the very first time I am not afraid to be mommy first and let the rest take a back seat.

I have decided to stop trying to define myself outside of each role and rather to understand that who I am is a mix of each of these things that makes me uniquely me. I am imperfectly perfect at being me. I think I may be growing up *gasp* because other people and their opinions are starting to mean less to me and I am finding genuine pleasure in living without self censorship.

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