It is Friday morning and it is quarter past ten. I have a lot of work to do, but honestly I have been very distracted. This is not like me. To be fair though, who can claim having their wits about them completely while nearly 30 weeks pregnant in the height of summer?
I was browsing news sites just now, something I do daily to catch up with current affairs and general happenings in the world. Reading stories of children raping children, murder, corruption and general decline of human decency leaves me with a lump in my throat and a generally queasy feeling all round.
I am not perfect. I know I say that a lot but I need to say it, to understand my own shortfalls and areas of challenge. I can be moody, what woman can’t? I can be rude, impatient, bitchy, opionnated, brash, subjective and human. I know this. I live each day with the guilt of not being the best mom and the guilt of not having stuck it out to forge a career in the financial industry when I worked so damned hard to obtain my qualifications and to make a name for myself. I feel guilty for not being able to do more for more people, for not being more understanding and for allowing my feelings and emotions cloud my perception of things.
I am (perhaps overly so) emotionally aware of what is going on around me at any given moment. Despite being well spoken and loud, I am actually scarily weary and often insecure. I care what people think and say, I want to be liked. Logically I know that not everyone will like me, my choices and my opinions. I firmly believe in speaking your mind and in standing for what is right though, even if it means standing alone. The world is made up of so many ‘fair weather friends’. People who are around as long as the sun is shining. It is when you are in your darkest hour that you understand the true value of a real friend. I have a few people who fall into this category. People who love me enough to be my voice of reason and tell me when I am wrong, people who believe in me enough to remind me not to give up, people who respect me enough to tell me when another has slandered me and people who are there through tears and giggles just for the sake of being there so that I know I am never alone.
Knowing this and feeling this each and every day that I am alive makes me so much more inclined to try and be a positive to the people whose lives I am a part of. I try to encourage, I offer support, I listen and I am generous, not only with things, but with my times and my feelings. I suppose this is why when I feel taken for granted it hurts so much more. I will never claim to get it right all the time or even most of the time. Fact remains, I try.
Recently an attempt at help grew out of control and fast became ugly and the thing that began to consume me. I felt taken advantage, disrespected and generally stupid for having been naive enough to not see the signs.
I know you are likely reading this. I know you blame me. I know what you are saying behind my back. The truth has a way of coming out. I am ok with who I am, with what I have done and with the choices I have made resulting from this period. I am hurt that you never respected me enough to say the awful things you are saying to my face. I am deeply saddened, deeply, that my attempts to help you and my sincere worry and care have been cheapened the way they have. My heart breaks for other people who have believed your lies. People who have given from their hearts and who have been badly hurt for having done so.
You have extorted money from people who believed your lies, using your child as a tool of solicitation. You were welcomed into my home, my sacred space, and systematically disrespected every rule I had in place. You paraded strange men through my home despite my having told you doing so would not be ok because I am particular about who I expose my children to. You misuse and take advantage of my things, leaving dirty dishes lying around, and living in what can only be described as squalor. To the extent that we received a formal warning from our landlady about mess.
You have no self respect, clearly, and little regard for everyone else. You talk down to my children in a condescending tone when you have no right and no reason. You make sweeping accusations about our chosen forms of discipline, easy when the only child you have at an age where it even plays a role was left behind while you fulfilled your own selfish wants. You have no right to question or criticize something you have no understanding of, so back off on questioning my ability to parent my children.
Unlike you, I would NEVER, just not come home from work without having made proper arrangements for my child’s care. Unlike you I do not have a blasé attitude about drugging babies to get some peace and quiet. I have NEVER passed out drunk and ignored the sound of my baby crying. I have never put anything, never mind casual sex, ahead of my children’s needs. So go on then, tell another person how my children get beaten. Tell them whilst you stand inside having left your baby unattended in your car during a heat wave. Tell them while you smoke having left your baby in the care of my nine year old. Scream it from the rooftops. The crux of the issue is this, prove it.
I hope that everyone sees through you. Sees how you took over R7000.00 from a guy and then slept with him, decided it was bad and gave him an excuse about a history steeped in alcohol and substance abuse not to commit to him. Only to, a week later, start sleeping with someone else. Ironic, isn’t it, how he was worth a commitment. Your ability to manipulate and lie to serve your own selfish agenda leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I hope, that through having witnessed your bullshit first hand that I can prevent someone else having to suffer.
That said, despite the fact that I am hurt and my heart is heavy, I am anything but a push over. I want you to consider that actions have consequences and that, as adults, we are all faced with those consequences. There are things that have been said, and things that have been done that cannot be taken back. I will NEVER allow anything or anyone to threaten my family, any member thereof on any level. Once that line is crossed it cannot be uncrossed. Remember that.
I am past the point of wishing you well. I firmly believe we get what we deserve in life. You may think I am a ‘fat bitch’ but I am still a fat bitch who has the very things you claim to want for yourself. This fat bitch wakes up next to a man who adores her every morning. This fat bitch has supported and loved her children every single day of their lives. This fat bitch has a home and has friends and has a career in which she is respected. This fat bitch has the backbone to address you directly rather than hiding behind technology. Also, this fat bitch has been pushed too far one too many times.
My father always told me that life’s wheel never stops turning, sometimes it turns quickly, sometimes it turns slowly, but it just keeps turning. I live with the consequences of my actions and choices daily. I reap the rewards of hard work and I pay dearly for poor choices. Your wheel is turning still.
I don’t wish you well as I don’t wish you ill. I wish you only everything you deserve, in abundance.