Me, myself and I

Right so I don’t have multiple personality disorder, though often times I think that I do.  I am just different things to different people.  In fact it would be fair to say, at different times, and different situation I am different people.


At work I need to maintain my professionalism, above all else.  My job is such that I am seldom, if ever allowed to let my personal opinions, experiences or beliefs filter through to my customers.  They all believe they are right and I need to educate them, inform them and still have them leave the exchange feeling positive and heard.  My job, by its very nature, is emotionally draining.  I get yelled at, called stupid and belittled by people who do not know me daily.  If I were to take every interaction I live through every day personally, I would be curled up in the foetal position rocking myself and crying.


At home, I am both mom and fiancé.  I am also employer and friend. 


Being mom is by far, without a moment of doubt the hardest role I play each day.  My older children are aged nine and seven.  They are at an age where they test EVERYHTING.  I spend a lot of time lecturing, threatening and moaning at them.  Following which always huge amounts of guilt and over-explaining my reasons for having said or done what I have.  I wish they would allow me the time to get dinner ready without shoving homework and news letters in my face.  I wish I had more time to spend on said tasks.  Fact is, they need to eat, I am their mother, feeding them is my job.  The other stuff can wait.  I hate yelling for them to get out of the kitchen, leave me alone or just wait until after dinner.  I am tired most nights.  I feel like a sucky mother, always.


The role of fiancé is one I tend to take fairly seriously, most days.  Now don’t get me wrong, from the outside relationships have a knack for looking effortless.  Some days are super easy.  Some days D makes me smile at all the right moments and just gets it and we love each other and it is in fact moonshine and roses.  That said.  There are days when I would rather kick D than kiss him.  There are times I can be seen rolling my eyes at something he said and times I start planning my life after having left him.  It has never come to that, I don’t think it ever will.  At the centre of us, is this magical thing called communication.  We talk about everything.  In fact if ever you tell me something and tell me not to say anything, just know, as a result of the nature of our relationship, D will most likely hear it.  We do not do secrets, on any level.  My pregnancy has been a huge learning curve for us both but I have no doubt that when our little girl arrives she will cement our already fast drying relationship for good.  Despite or even because of everything he is, and everything we have survived together, I am certain, beyond question, that forty years from now he and I will still be arguing about the same stuff.


In my role as employer I do my utmost to be fair and considerate.  Our nanny asked for uniforms, which I glady bought and has asked for the chance to take her leave in April instead of December as her brother is getting married.  This thrilled me as I will be on maternity leave in April anyway and I am not taking leave in December.  This works for me with the exception of the fact that she won’t be with her kids over the festive L  My answer was to have her kids come and stay over Christmas, so we’re going to have a full house and I anticipate loving it even though I will be in the last stretch of my pregnancy.


As friend.  Well.  I try.  I sometimes get it right.  I sometimes don’t.  That said I find more and more of the time I am less and less inclined to tolerate things that make me unhappy.  Let me put this into perspective, I am 26 weeks into my last ever pregnancy.  I have never enjoyed being pregnant, mostly cos I never did it on purpose and had to deal with disapproval on so many levels.  We really wanted this baby, we tried for this baby and I should be enjoying the journey to welcoming our perfect little girl.  Reality is that I have been so stressed and unhappy throughout this pregnancy and have been sick at least six times.  This is not great for my mental state.  Add people who take so much for granted and have expectations of who and what I should be and my happy levels drop below zero.  Please understand while I am not saying being a friend doesn’t matter, it just matters a loss less than the other things in my life right now.


I will not apologise for the fact either.  There are certain people for whom I will always go to the ends of the earth.  People who have been there for me when I needed cheering up etc.  These people will see my best side always, I will make an effort for them and will cherish them always.  Then there are people who seem damn good at taking and slack on the giving stuff.  I am fast losing my inclination to want to help these people.  I am not aiming this at anyone in particular, and if you think I am talking about you,  all I am saying is if the shoe fits and all that…


From now until forever I hope, I am putting myself and my family first and adopting a fit in of eff off attitude.  No exceptions.  Its not personal, my family just matters more.


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