I always seem to come back here when life is less than ideal. I don’t seem able to write the warm and fuzzies, rather this is a space for me to vent since I am unable, in most cases, to just say what is on my mind in reality.
The most depressing thing in my life right now is work, not my job, work. I did a calculation this morning which confirms according to static system based information, that my work load accounts for 78% of total ‘cases’ on our CRM system. If there were two of us this would be ridiculously unfair right?! There are three of us. I am pregnant, and have high blood pressure and have been told by various health professionals I need to not push myself. That said I am not given the time in the day to go to the toilet, let alone make tea or take lunch. When I do have a chance to eat something it’s a pack of crisps from the vending machine which I will ask someone else to get when they are on lunch. If I get tea it is because one of the nice people in another department felt sorry for me and brought me some.
So everyone is thinking why not just take lunch then? As I have previously expressed, I am the only white person in the department, as such am ignored through 90% of conversation and as such when lunch times and breaks are discussed it is outside of my comprehension. By the time everyone else has finished with their, extended, breaks it is almost always 3 o’clock, by which time I need to wind up for the day and ensure all my admin is up to date. See while other people get away with leaving stuff hanging, lord help me if I am not spot on with everything all the time
I am exhausted. I have taken Friday and Monday off to have a break, or I swear I am literally going to kill someone.
I only hope that home is somewhat calmer than it has been.
Having someone who is not family live with you is an adjustment, more so when there is a baby included. I never imagined my home could be more chaotic than it was, I have been proven wrong in a big way. Chaos is fine, we have a big family and it would be unrealistic for me to assume I would ever have another quiet moment at any time over the next 21 or so years. That said, my urge to hide in the bathroom seems to be popping up more and more often these days. Perhaps said chaos and pregnancy hormones don’t mix.
Personal space seems not to exist for me these days. I am not safe when standing naked in by bedroom, someone will want something, always at the most inappropriate time. A lost school tie, a dog chewing something an opinion on some arb fact. I do sometimes miss the freedom of onlyhaving to think and act for myself. I have a lot for which I am responsible and being a control freak I take it all very seriously and expect it done in a very specific way.
I currently loathe people who come into my space and complain about my kids or my animals, word to the wise here, you are in THEIR space, why don’t you make a few adjustments rather than expecting everyone to work around you. Also on the loathe list people who cannot man the fuck up and take responsibility for their own shit, it really isn’t that hard, just do it. Add people who take nice things and people for granted and I am already drafting a list of people to kill in my hormonal head.
I try incredibly hard at most times to be a good friend and mom and fiancé and daughter and sister, but the plain and simple honest truth is that I am really fucking tired. I don’t have anyone who bails me out when I fall short on anything. I am so over being the giver in most situations. I am tired and worn out and want o hide in my shell for a bit.
I get that I am grumping and moaning but I am willing to bet if you lived a week in my life you would be to. For now I strongly suggest if you are not D or one of my kids, you’d be better off keeping your distance.