This week has been an interesting mix of ups and downs for me, I suppose at 18 weeks pregnant one should expect that things are not likely to be smooth sailing.
Let me begin with a recount of Saturday gone passed, we joined the lovely Tamiya and her family for A2’s birthday party. In an aside, I seriously love her kids, like really awesome little dudes those. It was such a lovely day and the birthday boy was too cute in his monster pants with his rosy cheeks and sweet smile. So much love for the monster child and for Tamiya and a truly lovely party
Saturday also marked the anniversary of my father’s death. I still get sad when I realize I will never see him again. I still get angry at him for leaving and I still wish with everything I am that he could have met his grandkids. I was always daddy’s little girl, something for which I have paid dearly whether I wanted to or not. I miss him for reasons as simple as he used to call just to say hi and that he loved me. I miss him because he was always on my side. I miss the unconditional love I got from him. I get he wasn’t perfect, I get he did bad things but he was the only dad I ever had and I miss him.
On the topic of family, wow, where to begin. I am doing my best to help my mom and apparently hoping for a little gratitude for the help I am giving is asking too much. According to my sister I owe for her for time we lived with her when D wasn’t working. I was chatting to a colleague about it as it made me very sad to have it viewed that way and I was snot crying at my desk. I was reminded that when we stayed with my mom we bought groceries, paid the domestic who cleaned and did washing for everyone and paid rent and we didn’t stay there for nothing. It struck me then how much it hurts me that my sister and I used to be best friends and now she is not even my sister, rather my biggest critic.
Now I am not going to go off on a I hate my sister tirade, because truth be told I don’t. I miss my sister. I miss being able to talk to her without ending up in tears. I wish she could be my big sister again and care about me and my life. I wish she wasn’t always too busy to talk or make time for me. I wish I mattered to her. I don’t. I guess I just have to build a bridge and get over it. Such is life and all that.
My younger sister has now officially moved out, I don’t hate her either, despite having some harsh things to say over recent times. What is said cannot be unsaid and what is done cannot be undone, no use trying to pretend. Honestly I hope she does well. I hope she grows up a little and learns that actions have consequences and that she is not a kid anymore. I hope she is happy. For my own sanity, I hope not to have to see her or have anything to do with her for a long time. She has done a number of things that have hurt me deeply. Until our most recent fight I hadn’t realized just how deeply. It was almost ten years ago, I should be past this, but in the depths of my heart the wound is still so raw. Her actions had such resounding consequences in my life, huge implications that not a single person knows about. It is hard for me not to blame her. This is why I need time out. I need time to heal my own wounds away from the person I believe to be responsible.
I am in a difficult place right now, being pregnant and very emotional leads to being nostalgic and sentimental and missing people who aren’t around anymore. It makes me sad that no one seems to be excited about us having a baby, we are thrilled, we *tried* to get pregnant, we wanted this baby so much and no one actually cares. My mom seems indifferent, my older sister reverts to talking about how she wishes she was pregnant and D’s family have hardly even acknowledged the impending arrival of a brand new baby girl. It makes me very sad as I believe a baby should be born into an abundance of love so I am going to have to do a little extra to welcome my little girl in January.
Work is completely getting me down I still feel completely ignored because of the language barrier and I am doing effectively twice the amount of work the other two members of my ‘team’ are doing. I never have time to go to the loo never mind actually take lunch or tea so am getting lectures on how I have to eat for the baby while never being given time to actually eat. I am exhausted and intend to apply for some leave next month, just a day or three to rest and recharge. I have earned it dammit.
I am still incredibly tired, so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open past lunch time. So much for energy in the second trimester, my whole body hurts and for whatever reason my morning sickness is back with a vengeance L I am not a happy pregnant person I just cannot wait for this baby to be cooked already
At the end of every day though, when it is just my little family alone together, there is so much love and so much joy and I am so incredibly grateful for my naughty kids who are home with me. I am so glad to have a grumpy man around because he is there and not out with his friends or in a bar or making excuses to not help out. I have in love, health and happiness more than I could ever hope to accumulate in material wealth. You may need new things and a fancy car/house/clothes/jewelery/social life to be happy, I ‘ll take my kids, my messy home, my dogs and my incredible relationship over all of that anyday.
I am surrounding myself with who and what matters and remaining positive throughout because it is my life and I am not going to let anyone decide how I should live it but me.