I am not feeling very happy today, I have a lot on my mind and am not sure how to process all of it and how to get back to feeling sunshiny happy.
At the forefront of my unhappiness is my work situation. I like my job and the company I work for, I do not like being ignored and spoken around because I am white. I am not racist, I abhor racial generalization and honestly believe we are all too young to be too greatly moulded by what the history of our country is. I am the only white person on my team. I speak English, Afrikaans (no one else does) a basic amount of Zulu, some French and some Spanish, our official business language is English. I am the only one who ever speaks English. I do not speak enough Zulu, or any Sotho, to understand the conversation that goes on around me all day. I get dirty looks when asked for my opinion and responding with, “I didn’t understand the question.” *sigh*
I spoke to my direct manager, who is new, and basically she brushed me off and now speaks less English than before. I spoke to her manager, who also happens to be the ethics manager for the company and was told to not personalize it as it is not about me, I should just assume it is not aimed at me or about me. Thing is I feel like I am being placed at a definite disadvantage as I miss out on a lot of what is said as I do not understand it. I do not feel like a part of this team and spend most of my time excluded and quiet.
The fight with my sister around asking her to move out has escalated and turned so much uglier than it ever needed to be, this also is making me angry and sad in equal measures. I am so done with fighting and negativity and all the ugliness. My body aches with the effort it takes to keep my shit together and not fly off the handle.
My mom has not been working for nearly a year and yes she and I do not get along at the best of times but seeing her suffer is not something I would ever have wished for. My sister has taken over her car payment and D and I are giving her some money to help with the bond and buying her what she needs here and there. I actually sat at my desk and cried yesterday when I called her to ask what she needs, and my mother, the woman who always payed her own way and made certain we never went to bed hungry, asked me for toilet paper, toothpaste and deodorant stung quite badly. I am doing all I can but I cannot cover her expenses and wish someone, anyone would see past her age and give her a chance at a job. She has worked at management level for one of the big four banks and has so much experience that would be very valuable to a company. I just wish she could work, for money and for her self worth
I am *still* always tired and never seem to get enough sleep. My blood pressure is still high, no doubt because of stress, and I just feel like I need a massage and a pedicure and a huge glass of dry lemon to perk up a little. Alas, no time and no money for such luxuries.
On the flip side I have my kids, who have been fairly well behaved of late (touch wood) and I have D, who is my knight in shining armour and honestly my biggest fan and supporter and I have so much I am grateful for. I just have a case of the sads, and I am sure it will pass. I just hate not having control.