You know this time thing totally has a way of getting away from me. One minute its January and you are full of hope and positive feelings for the new year and what not and next thing its August and you’re pregnant and everything is different.
A lot has been going on recently and at the same time very little has actually happened. I guess the biggest thing is the pregnancy. I must say, this whole baking a baby thing seems to be getter harder with each attempt. I am still dealing with morning sickness at almost 16 weeks, my clothes are already tight and I have yet to gain any of that magical energy that is supposed to come with the second trimester. If the happy pregnancy fairies are listening, please feel free to sprinkle some on that happy healthy glow my way. Thanks.
I have been told my pregnancy is now high risk because of high blood pressure which is stress related and oddly enough also positional. The only position in which my blood pressure drops is if I lie on my side and since I cannot do my job in this position I am on medication. I am bad at medication and wish there was an easier way to fix it. But for now my concern lies with carrying to term and having a healthy baby, so I will just continue to take the pills until told otherwise.
The next big thing I guess is that things with my sister living in our flat became unbearable. She was taking advantage in a big way and I eventually lost my sense of humour. I have asked her to move out by then end of the month and already feel so much happier for having made that decision and taking the step. I am slowly creating a space in which my family and my happiness is the most important thing. I am moving further away from my siblings and my mom by default since I find they more than anything seem to make me doubtful and insecure which is exactly what I am trying to avoid
On that subject, I am finding a few ‘friends’ sadly lacking in the good friend department. It hurts my feelings to know that with some people you don’t hear from them if you don’t contact them. They claim to be so busy and to not have time for anything but then you see on Face Book or whatever how they visited etc over the weekend. Now don’t get me wrong, I *get* that we all have our own lives and stuff that keeps us busy etc but for serious sake, would it kill you to just say hi or respond to my tweets when I am scared or upset or just feeling down? Enough of the pity party though. I am of the mind that I don’t mean as much to you as you do to me and that is fine. I, frankly, am pretty darn awesome at the good friend thing so you are losing, so you know.
Work has been much of the same though we have moved offices now which has come with its own set of challenges. I however have a specific plan around getting to where I would like to be after my maternity leave and am doing the work to put those plans into action now already. I do know for a certainty though that I will not stay here, in this department, beyond next year. If I cannot grow internally I will look outside of the company so that I can grow and be challenged.
My children I think have taken a note from the rioters in the UK, I am not impressed with their current behavior and refuse to negotiate with terrorists so they are both (since it is just the older two) being sent off to therapy. Lord knows my solutions are not having an effect right now so I must enlist the help of the wild animal whisperer. *sigh* I know its because our nanny is on leave as her son was poisoned in Zim and she needed to go to him. I know they do not like her sister who is standing in, frankly, neither do I. But for now I honestly am done with punishment and taking things away and actually need a working solution to the chaos we are living in. It is just until the end of them month, at least this is what I tell myself at least ten times a day.
Now despite all my moaning and stuff, right now I am happy. I am also incredibly grateful. I have three wonderful children who despite their sometimes wild behavior are good people. They are kind and considerate and that over shadows the fact that they get up to nonsense and don’t do homework. I also have D, who has never lied to me, respects me, compliments me, takes such good care of me and is just not wired to ever be unfaithful or dishonest. I have seen so many relationships end this year, my sister and D’s brother are going through divorces. I have seen people upset about being lied to and beliefs challenged because of behavior that can break relationships. We have out ups and downs, trust me, but at the end of it we always remember what we have in each other. We have love, we have trust, we have understanding and we have what is perfect for us.
I cannot imagine my life without him and hope to never have to. We have this family who while so far from perfect get by with much love and patience. We are not wealthy, we get by and some months are easier than others. We are still recovering from the time D was unemployed actually but we never go to bed hungry, even if we just has scrambled eggs on toast.
So I guess the crux is for all I am and all that I am not, the biggest and best are that I am loved and I am grateful.