26

So today I am 26. 26 Does not feel that different from 25 really. Here are 26 random thoughts, observations and facts as a way to celebrate.

1. I am not a fan of my birthday. No one ever makes a fuss or throws me surprise parties or anything. Every year I pretend not to care and every year it makes me very sad.

2. I always get quite melancholy on my birthday. I miss my dad and think back to the birthdays we shared.

3. My 15th birthday was the last day I ever saw my dad and was just over a month before he died.

4. I make a huge effort to make my family’s birthday special. I always go above and beyond to make them feel appreciated and loved.

5. I am moving further and further away from my ‘family’ ie the people I grew up with. I have come to realise that DNA does not mean I have to accept being treated poorly. I would not accept the same treatment from friends so I will not accept it from them.

6. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life yet seem to spend a lot of time feeling very sad

7. I often feel excluded from general goings on 8. I wonder if I have any real friends sometimes. I know a lot of people but how many people could I call on if I needed anything.

9. I currently feel like I cannot get enough sleep. Whether I sleep 6 hours or 12 I am always tired.

10. At the age of 26 I am pregnant with my fourth child.

11. I never wanted children when I was growing up.

12. Despite being very loud I am actually very insecure and battle to feel accepted and not judged.

13. I am scared to death of *actually* getting married and changing my surname. I never wanted to change my surname either.

14. I will never be close to my mother. I am ok with it. I cannot keep trying at something that will only ever bring me pain and misery

15. Christmas is my favourite time of the year even though it has never been the same since my dad died

16. Only about three people on the planet know my whole story and what it took to get to today

17. I have learned the hard way for every lesson I have gained in the last 26 years

18. Despite having had some major downs I have never considered myself depressed or taken any mood altering medication. Instead I snot cry alone in the shower

19. I can sound very ungrateful at times but I never doubt that I have a HUGE amount to be grateful for.

20. I have love in abundance. It surrounds me and makes my heart smile.

21. I am a self teacher. Most of what I can do I have taught myself. Nothing like a little trial and error to perfect a skill.

22. I am a very emotional person I need to feel something to be part of it. I could never do a job that compromised my beliefs and could not be in a relationship that felt wrong either.

23. My greatest joy in life is to make the people I care most about happy. I love to see my kids laugh and content.

24. I sometimes need some time to be alone and just breathe. These are the moments I lock myself in the bathroom and stay very quiet.

25. I do not doubt that D and I will be having the same silly arguments 40 years from now.

26. For all that has happened in the last 26 years I am incredibly grateful. Each stepping stone and sideways knock has made me all that I am. I must admit, even if it isn’t all that often, I quite like the me I am.

That’s all for today folks 

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5 thoughts on “26

  1. Happy birthday again! (I said it already on facebook) Took a couple of days but i finally caught up on all your blogs!

    Your life has been a whirlwind in the last 7 months and I admire your tenacity and strength.

    I think that if given the same situation for the same length of time i would long ago have thrown up my hands and gone “fuck that, i quit!”

    Kudos! for keeping on keeping on. Your babies are lucky to have you and so is D.

  2. Happy Happy Happy Belated Birthday. I’m sure a lot of what you are feeling is due to the pregnancy. I am also working on mending my relationship with my mom, its hard work at times but its definitely improving.

    You seem to be an incredibly strong woman, you go girl.

    I wish you a fabulous 2011.

    Lets hook up and meet for coffee sometime. (I do prefer wine tho)….Will chat on twitter and arrange XXXXX

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