I tend to be a bit of a cynical bitch, there I said it. I am not,nor have I ever been the optimistic or romantic type. Sure I labour under some serious chick flick induced misapprehensions, but then I do know I am not entirely alone in that.
I have a tendency to expect the worst. Perhaps I have been dissapointed one too many times before, truth is there is no maybe in that. By always expecting the worst I some how try to convince myself I am avoiding disappointment when that is just not true.
I am still very let down by people all the time. Human nature is the one thing in life I will never understand. It is beautiful as one can tell when seeing a new mother or when watching an old couple hold hands. But it can be so ugly, the news is your best point of reference there.
Nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent. Each day we have to choose to love the people we love. We have to choose to be a better mother. We have to choose to care enough to try.
Somewhere in the mess that has been my life I thought I had lost my choice. Upon some introspection,which would explain my silence, I found my choice.
For now I choose to love D enough to give it some time to come right. I choose to remember that this man loved me at a time I believed I was unlovable. I choose to remind myself of how good things were when he felt he had a sense of purpose and I am noticing that coming back entering the second week of a new job. I choose my family. I choose togetherness and I choose to make it work.
The great part of choosing this, it remains my choice, something only I can change.
Things are starting to get better now, though I somehow deep down still expect the worst, and I am certain I have made the right choice for me for now.
I wish each of you the freedom to choose 🙂