So much of who we are and what we do is left open to interpretation. Some choose to allow themselves to be stereotyped, and give in and conform and perpetuate said stereotypes. People rebel, so greatly, against some norm, that they themselves lose the individuality of living according to one’s own standards. Very rarely, does one come across a person who is just themselves. No need to conform. No standard to which they hold themselves. No constant need for approval. More and more, I wish I could *be* one of those people.
I have done the wild rebellion and lost myself in the fight against, uh, hold on, what was I fighting again? I have starved and made myself throw up, coloured my hair, cut my hair, grown my hair, worn make-up and certain clothes and tried, with every bit of me to “fit in”, it is exhausting! I have allowed, unwillingly to let myself be defined by the opinions of others. I have wanted, wait, needed, approval from many sources. It has taken me almost twenty six years to be able to let things with my mother lie, to stand up for myself, and to start taking the steps I need to take to become that person.
I know I have reached that “ahah” moment because the other night, while hashing our situation out with D and I found these words tumbling out of my mouth, words that must have been thoughts, but it happened so fast that it was only after having reflecting back on my outburst that the “ahah” struck me. I told him that my relationship with him does not define me, I am not just his fiancé, or the kids’mother, or my mother’s daughter, or my siblings’ sister, I am not just a friend or employee, no guy, I am me, which means and I am all of those things and so much more. I will not be pigeon-holed, I will not be defined, I need the space and the freedom to be me. Every aspect of my life requires some adjustment sure, but at the centre of that, I kinda like this me person. I mean like I am woman, hear me roar and all that.
In all fairness, there will always be standards to which I am held. I will need to do certain things to remain employed, I will need to compromise in relationships but I know for certain, that after having done it one too many times, I am no longer willing to compromise myself. I know what I want, I know what I need and frankly if any of it displeases you, feel free to stay out of my life. In order for me to get to where I want to be I need to surround myself with like-minded people, complacency is the enemy.
*cue Rocky music*
Onwards and upwards friends, life is too short to allow yourself to stagnate.
“I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou