Despite the company I work for putting both Blogger and WordPress on the blocked sites list, her I am posting because, well, I am smarter than them and found a way around their stupid rules, so yay me!
Last night D and I had a huge fight. Those who follow me on twitter and who were there to listen to me whine last night, THANK YOU!!! Much love here for free therapy and awesome people of the interwebs.
We haven’t been “ok” for almost a week now. There has been no physical contact of any sort, no happy to see each other. Just cold, distant silence and short snippy exchanges. For the record now, we have fought before, I have sulked for the maximum of about two days before we have great make-up sex and move on. This time has been different, for the first time I can imagine my life without him. I found myself making future plans around him not being there in my mind. This lead me to confront the issue head on. I shouted and pleaded and cried the ugly cry. He rolled his eyes and sighed and got defensive. We haven’t reached a resolution. *sigh*
It is not a question of whether or not we love each other, that goes without saying but at some point we have to face the fact that love does not pay the bills or feed the kids. I need certain things from him for our relationship to work. I need to feel like he is fighting as hard as I am for our life and honestly don’t feel that is too much to ask. As at last night he is willing to do whatever it takes, he says, to keep this family together. He says he loves me and refuses to lose me so he is willing to do anything to ensure I am happy and we get back to being “ok”
My brain hurts from everything that has lead to this point. I do believe if things get back on track the way I need them to, we will get married, we will grow old together. I do believe that for so many reasons we are meant to be together and that we have just faced so much together and gotten through it to go under over this. But like I said, my brain hurts, need to stop over thinking this for a moment
I must take a moment to say that I am very fond of my friends who live inside my computer/blackberry, there is something so intensely comforting about being liked for who you are rather than how you look or how much money you earn. I find people scoffing at the idea of making connections online, because to my mind some of these connections are the most real relationships in my life. All I am saying is, I love how you can “get” something without ever having met them. I think my internet connection has been my saving grace through the last while and without it would surely have killed someone by now. So to those who listen to me whine, make me smile, make me think and just accept me for all I am a very heart -felt thank you!
A long weekend lies ahead and I have every intention of getting some garden time in, spending some time building puzzles, playing cricket, playing peek-a-boo and just generally being mommy for a bit and hopefully working on my relationship and finding some ways to reconnect.
I wish each of you the strength to change the things you can, the patience to accept those you can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.