So yesterday I guess I kinda let the wheels fall off. I vented (needed that!) and made my feelings known. If I am honest, it felt really, really good. For once I just said (wrote) what I felt. I did not consider how it would make other people feel, I chose not to feel guilty for the way I feel and I went with it. Quite liberating for me and my door mat type personality really.
I cannot claim the storm has passed today. I am still in a bit of a funk. With everything that is going on I just find it increasingly difficult to cope with becoming emotionally invested in other people’s crap. This is difficult when I have this deep seated desire to get people to like me. I am a people pleaser of note. I stay awake until two in the morning making a banner for my “team” for the contest at our company function, we went on to win the contest and our team got much praise, me, not so much. I have spent many an hour making cake and cupcakes for so many birthdays because something home made is so much more thoughtful. I buy gifts I cannot afford and give and give and give when honestly the little voice inside my head is screaming at me to ask for a little something in return. It should then not be a surprise that I reached boiling point.
I am not the most patient person, I am the first to admit it. The fact that I love instant gratification is pretty obvious. I have a short attention span and get bored fairly quickly. I often joke and say the only thing I have committed to long term is breathing and that everything else could be gone tomorrow. Amazing the truth in that huh? I have however, been beyond patient with certain situations. I have kept smiling through D not working, I have managed not to scream at my sister for being a spiteful brat, I have remained diplomatic and professional at work and I have managed, not without effort, to maintain some kind of normality through my mind fizzling out. I can attest at this point, that patience is in fact for the birds. I tried it, it blew up in my face, I will now continue to be distracted when something bigger, better, louder or shinier comes along.
Now before anyone reads too much into that, I am not about to boot D out and go on a one woman tequila drinking, man using bender (though the thought did occur, if even for a split second) For the truth is, despite my implication that I do not do commitment, the opposite is true. I am committed (or have a need to be committed, ha ha) and I choose each day to love D, to remember why I ever decided I want to marry him and what our goal is. Far too often I see people give up without ever really trying, I am not that person. I get on a logical level that there will be times when I would rather kick him in the balls than hold his hand. No one ever claimed it would be easy but no one ever told me it would be this hard either. I know we have a future, I know this is a bump in the road. If I am to be fair, I am a moody bitch and not easy to live with on a good day. The fact that he still loves me despite the fact that I have been a raging lunatic on top of his feeling inadequate about being unemployed, that counts, well to me it does.
People often remark about how well we work together. He is just the right height that I can wear heels and not tower over him. There’s a line from a song, “A blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl, oh oooh, the sweetest thing.” That line makes me think of us. He gets me in ways no one ever has and he has this look that is saved just for me. The tiny kisses on the top of my head when he hugs me and the way his face changes when he smiles at me, those things make me realize that what we have is special and worth working for.
Yesterday I was angry, frustrated and in serious need of my good vent. I am believing, because it makes me feel better, that everyone has those days. In my mind everyone hides in the bathroom for a little peace and quiet every now and then. I am certain that there is not a single person on this planet who has it all and I am surely not the only one ugly crying to myself in the shower when it all gets too much
A clichéd saying tells that life is a journey and not a destination, and frankly no journey is without its very own set of challenges. It is how we weather the challenges that affects the outcome. I have faced things in my life that when I look back I wonder how I ever survived. I have fallen, and fallen hard, but each time I have gotten up, dusted myself off and continued on my way. At times I thought about giving up, and have felt that at certain points I did. Fact is, I’m still here and I’m still trying. The fat lady has yet to sing where my life is concerned.
I am armed now with a plan, an idea and a little voice inside my head telling me the only one who can change how I feel is me. I cannot control what happens around me, I can however change how I choose to react. I know my negative feelings will not disappear over night, I know this cannot be fixed with a cup of tea and some chocolate. I need to remember what my plan is for me and take the time to work through my own stuff and get back on track.
My most sincere wish is that in a few months time I will look back on this and smile quietly to myself at the lesson I learned.