10 Seconds from a nervous breakdown…

So as I sit at my desk, at five minutes to eight on a Tuesday morning, where I have been for the last hour and a half, I am on the brink of tears. My insides hurt from the repressed feelings and my mind cannot keep up with everything that is whirling through it at the speed of light. I feel like my dam walls are about to come crashing down, and for once I don’t want to stop it, I need to let it all out.

I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to tell everyone around me why they make me feel this way.

I want D to get a fucking job.  I want him to stop relying on me not only to work but also to check the kids homework when I get home and make dinner and do all the cleaning on the weekend.  I want him to stop always being so fucking tired, what the hell is he tired from anyway?  I want him to make me feel like more than his bank account and slave.  I want to matter as much as he does in this.  I want to love him like I used to.  I want our sex life to go back to how it was.  I want us to be fixed.

I want to have maybe a hundred rand of my salary to spend on myself.  My whole salary goes to paying debt, which I have accrued over the last year by the way to constantly get us out of shit.  I am trying to make the make-up business work but for some reason its just not taking off like I had hoped.  I am contemplating a second job even in some dodgy evening call centre just to have enough money to live as opposed to just surviving.

I want my sister to stop making everything about her.  I gave up gym for us to travel together to save money.  I get to work before half past six every morning and don’t leave till five so she can work her preferred hours.  By the time I get home after six in the evening, get dinner on the table, check homework, spend time with the kids etc its too late to go to gym, the gym closes at nine.  Why is no one else making any sacrifices here?  Why am I living in misery to keep everyone else happy?!!!!

I want my manager to grow a pair and lead this team.  She needs to want to be here if she expects us to be.  She needs to take this lazy bitch who is dragging our team down on, and make her understand she is not above “the law” and that she in fact needs to contribute to earn her rather inflated salary.  I am done picking up all the slack for people who get by on doing the bare minimum.

I am done with people saying one thing and doing another.  I must always phone, sms, call or visit.  I also have a home that as things stand I spend a lot of money on and very little time enjoying, why not make the effort to see me for a change? 

I have given and given and given over the last year or so.  I give without hesitation and I give with my whole heart.  God knows if I can help I always will.  Right now though I have had enough.  I am tired of being blamed by my family and pulled in different directions all the time.  I am tired of everyone always wanting something from me ALL THE TIME.

If I had my car, don’t cos the sister uses it to get to work, I would get into my car and just drive, until either the road or my tears end.

I just can’t carry on this way anymore.  My understanding and sense of humour have left the building


5 thoughts on “10 Seconds from a nervous breakdown…

  1. ((hugs))

    It sounds like a really rough time 😦

    I am sorry! D needs to go be a waiter or something – no really – any form of income is needed so he needs to make a plan!!!

  2. I know what its like to be in ur position.. I still have a lot of debt to sort out and dont ever have a cent left to my name after all the bills are paid from my salary..
    Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to let me know..

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