Faith, or rather, the lack thereof

Faith. An interesting concept. An ideal. A driving force. What helps some people through things and what makes us human. It is intangible but as real to most as the ground beneath our feet. Our faith varies, we believe different things, we hold different things dear. My faith has been shaken so many times and right now it has been shaken to the core.

So for those who don’t know, I have known D for 19 years this year.  His brother and I are the same age and were in the same schools from grade one to matric.  We grew up around each other though our social circles were not always the same.  We knew each other but were not close in school.  D’s brother, B, and his wife S, started seeing each other when we were all in standard eight.  That is ten years ago.  They got engaged some three years ago and were married on 11 December last year.  We all believed they would be together forever.  He announced on Monday last week, he is ending their marriage.  We were shocked.

As it turns out, the very reason we didn’t always like her, like her tendency to use him and treat him poorly and her constant need to dictate to him the terms of his existence, were the reasons he feels he can no longer continue with the relationship.  He accepts they should never have gotten married.  He believed that marriage would change things, a bit naïve maybe, but he has been with her since he was 15, he needed to believe the best.

He has been spending a lot of time with us since, and has totally opened up to us.  He needs to leave for so many reasons, he needs to find himself and make peace with everything that has happened.  He needs to find happiness and love.  All we can do right now is be there for him.  Prepare for the backlash, and be ready to stand behind him and fight when this turns ugly.

The end of a relationship is never easy to be a part of but I truly believe after having spoken to him last night that he needs this.  I only hope his wife will accept his decision and not make it unbearable for him.  Truly.  He has given her his all for ten years and gotten very little in return.  A clean, drama free divorce is hardly too much to ask if you ask me.

So how then does all of this affect my faith you ask?

I have always been very secure in the fact that D and his brother are their father’s sons.  They are loyal, to a fault at times it seems and committed and truly take care of their own.  I felt secure in knowing that D would never walk out on me or cheat because that is just not how he is wired.  We have a life together and a family and he would never put us through the drama unless it was really unfixable.  Then his brother walks out on his wife and I am left thinking well if B could do it, so could D.  *Panic*  I suddenly became this insecure clingy person who needs D’s constant reassurance and that is not who I am.  I know it will pass, the feeling anyway, but accepting how fragile your relationship is, is a scary realization.

D is once again not working.  Not his fault at all, turns out the job he started was one of those fly by night operations and basically he could never do enough work to actually be paid what they said he would be earning.  This puts me right back at square one with regard to the pressure I am currently under, financial and otherwise.  I need to fill my make-up classes and fast!  I am working as hard as I possibly can and just wish those people who always gained from my generosity would now swing a little my way.  I am not asking for charity here, I am providing a service, just needs bums in chairs.

The kids have all been sick in varying degrees over the last week and a bit.  This has been heartbreaking and exhausting to say the least.  I cry a little inside when Squish calls daddy when he is sick/sore L  But I have to face that daddy is there all day with him and for now he sees very little of me and does not associate me with comfort.  It just feels like I am making sacrifices for my family and in so doing am being made redundant in my role as mother.  My kingdom for enough part time income to leave the rat race, really!

I love my job, I love the company I work for, I tolerate the people I work with and could see myself doing well.  I just feel rotten for missing so much of what happens with my kids,  I hate that work will always be here and their childhoods will soon be over.  I am just not feeling the working mommy love right now.

If anyone is interested in a make-up basic school class, I am putting one together at a cost of R300.00 per person which will include tutorial information regarding undertones, colour suggestions, basic principals etc and a practical “play” session.  Please email me on lynstep@gmail.com for details and to book a seat.  This is set to be a lot of fun and a great learning experience!

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