It would appear that the first rays of sunshine can now be seen permeating the dark cloud that had settled over my life last week. D started a job today, it is not a great job, but he is working, for which I am incredibly grateful. I will not dwell on having left home at half past five this morning instead I shall remain happy that my fiancé is gainfully employed and that things will finally start to get better.
Renovations on our house begin today, so we will have keys on the first, move in on the fifth and then life can actually carry on. I look forward to it in a big way! I cannot wait to just have my own space and to not have to deal with my mom’s constant negativity.
Things are definitely on the up and I am grateful, believe me I am super grateful, yet, there is this nagging feeling at my core reminding me not to get too comfortable cos things change often and without warning. So I am cautiously optimistic at this point.
The best part is that D is easier to live with knowing that he will be working, he doesn’t mope and feel sorry for himself half as much and I dare say, I find him quite sexy when he shaves and gets dressed for work, and bothers to put gel in his hair and smells divine That, that smart guy, that is who I fell in love with. We went to his uncle’s house for a braai on Saturday which I detest having to do, but I put on a happy face and go, it is his family and the kids tend to have fun, so I go. I am always angry by the time we leave, his family doesn’t like me, I can tell. They look down their noses at me and constantly make me feel like I am not good enough to be in their company. Also I get to hear how D’s mom has been letting them all know how I am not good enough for her son. This from the same woman who I supported both financially and emotionally after she left her twelve year old boyfriend. I am not good enough for her son, who I have supported through two job losses in six months, her son who has been moping and feeling sorry for himself while I found him a job. Yeah, she’s right, he is way too good for me. So being me, I go off at D, tell him I am not marrying into a family who hates me. He gave me that look, the one that makes me feel awful, the pained look he gives me when I go off without just cause *sigh* He managed to rationally explain to me, that he loves me and he wants to marry me and that we will be our own family. He doesn’t care what anyone else says, and if he ever hears anyone say anything there will be hell to pay. I smiled at him and thanked him but deep down, there is still this feeling that no one wants us to get married Now generally I am all fuck the people who cares blah blah blah, but I have been down lately *duh* and it just feels like everything is met with opposition and sometimes it just takes too much effort to keep fighting and keep trying. I have never been anything but totally nice to D’s family, yet his sister in law is all fussed over and offered drinks etc while I pretty much get ignored or lectured on how I am raising my children. So right now I am all family, bah humbug! Our new nanny has started and I really hope this is a long term relationship. I was seriously heart broken when the last one absconded, like really. Otherwise, not too much happening in the land of us, my mood is slowly improving so who knows by then end of the week I could be doing cartwheels, I wouldn’t put money on it but it’s not impossible