This week has been a bit blue around the edges, I am not in a good head space and in fact this is the longest I have been stuck in a funk for a very long time. No matter how much I play with the puppy or spend time with my kids, I just cannot shake this feeling of gloom and doom.
Work is a hard place to be right now, I do not understand 90% of what is being said around me at any given time of the day, the woman who sits opposite me spends about three hours a day on personal calls, so I know more about her personal life than my own. I do not even understand the language she speaks but I am well aware of having to hear the same story seven or eight times a day. This same person is ALWAYS late, sometimes two minutes, sometimes ten. Yet she is the only person who always takes lunch and tea breaks which you can believe are extended as well, I know this because she always has her lunch time before mine, and often, in fact almost daily, my lunch time is a good ten minutes shorter than it should be. The real cracker in the story is, she is never in kak for anything cos her and our manager are best pals. FUCK. I have no words for just how much this pisses me off. And I can’t talk to my manager cos she treats me like I am wrong any way, I am constantly told to ask for help, when I do I get treated like I am an idiot for having asked. My frustration levels are very high. I don’t know if I am supposed to go to my manager’s superior and tell her I am unhappy, or just suffer in silence. I. Just. Don’t. Know.
On the home front, we’re like two weeks away from the move, I am both excited and nervous as hell for this. D is still not working so it is a lot of pressure on me, and I am feeling the pressure. Our relationship is currently rather strained, and I haven’t even put my engagement ring on for a week. D, as he is now, is not the man I agreed to marry, so that is my reasoning on that one.
Add that while Monster seems to have gotten over his academic difficulties, Princess has some serious behavioral issues, which her teacher feels an urgent need to attend to. The child has lost a year’s worth of stationery in like two months. She is behaving badly at home as well. This sends me into another spiral of guilt about how I should spend more time with her and try to understand what is wrong. Fact is, I have to work. I have no choice. I cannot be at work and still be there for my kids 24/7. I try, God knows I try, but I am away from home for more than 12 hours a day to pay the bills, and I feel like it is at the cost of my kids and I am an awful mother L
See why I am gloomy? Not one part of my life is functioning as it should. I am fighting many battles here and am losing the war. The cost to surrender, my sanity.
I mostly want to cry all the time, but am never alone to be left to do this. I constantly am surrounded by people who expect things from me. At work I need to remain professional, I need to make customers feel like I give a shit, I have to say things like “Have a lovely day.” And right now it takes so much effort it is almost a physical pain. At home I am either being mommy’ed or baby’ed. I get that my kids want to talk to me, but like I told Monster last night, mommy is feeling a little sad right now, we can talk later. D constantly asks what is wrong when he catches me in a corner, tears brimming in my eyes, and for the sake of not fighting or causing an trouble I just brush the tears away and say nothing, or I am tired. It always ends with an accusatory, “What have I done now?” I wish I could get it through his thick skull, not everything is about him or for him or because of him, he is not in fact the centre of my universe. He will only ever come 4th, after my kids.
I have not spoken a word to my older sister since the whole fight after she read my blog, and it makes me sad to realize I don’t even miss her, we spoke so seldom that I don’t even feel the difference now that we are not speaking at all. My mother is being oddly nice for now, think she has accepted we are leaving and is quite happy to see us go for her own reasons.
I feel like I have been whining a lot lately, but in truth only here and on twitter, IRL I am quiet as anything, which for anyone who knows me, is very unusual. I just don’t have words right now, not good ones or bad ones for anyone around me. I am existing, not living.
This will pass, I know that logically, but it scares me to death that I caught myself wondering just how many sleeping tablets you would need to take for the dose to be lethal. Don’t get me wrong I am not about to off myself, I would never do that to my kids, but I thought about it, that scares me.
Then, another thing, when I feel like this, when I have so little to hope for and am dying inside, all my “friends” are so busy with their own lives, not a thought for all the times I put my shit aside to be there for them, not a single thought.
I am hoping, a lot of sleep, some serious alcohol consumption and no work will help with my mood, so I am just gonna wait for today to end so I can retreat to my shell.