On being not so ok….

Wanna join me, smack bang in the middle of yet another existential crisis?  Good, come in, help yourself to some vodka, feel free to take of your shoes, relax, don’t let the bright colours scare you.

So my life has been chaotic of late, I have been trying for the longest time now to pretend everything is ok.  Reality check.  Everything is not ok.  Everything is far from being ok.  I am not ok.  I do not know where or when this feeling will end.  Right now.  I.  Am.  Not.  Ok.

I cannot pin point the beginning of the downward spiral, I cannot say it was Tuesday just after lunch when this feeling of dread chose to descend upon my otherwise calm life, it’s been creeping up and has now kicked me full force where it hurts most.  I feel utterly hopeless, like nothing is working and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Now for the record, I am not one who is prone to dark clouds and thunder and anxiety etc, I am the eternal optimist, I want to believe the best always, but sometimes life has other plans for me.  D is still not working, the IT business thing seems to have fallen to the wayside as his “friend” is unreliable and just plain pathetic actually.  We are moving in two and a half weeks, I am under a LOT of pressure and right now I am just frustrated and wondering if this is going to be my life for the rest of my life.  If that is the case, someone please kill me now ok?

I am not feeling sorry for myself, it annoys me that I send 30+ CVs for D everyday and that he is still not employed.  The bulk of his work experience is in a family owned business, this apparently makes him less employable.  He is a qualified pilot but has been told he is the wrong colour for that industry, he works freaking hard and still cannot find a job.  Why would nobody give him a chance?

Everything that has been going on is taking its toll on our relationship as well.  For the first time since we have been together I have actually noticed when other guys flirt with me.  The fact that I am able to notice any man other than D on a not strictly platonic level means something is very wrong.  I am loyal almost to a fault.  I told him this last night, in the interest of full disclosure and honesty, he didn’t seem to upset.  Gah!  I hate where we are right now!

Work carries on regardless, only I find customer services and corporate communications is not the best place to be when you are feeling down and irritable, it has made this week a challenge in a big way.  Also the people I work with make me more annoyed, with all their personal calls and nonsense.  They do not know what professionalism is, it annoys me, but then so does most stuff these days.

Also adding to my unhappy levels are people who only contact you when they want or need something from you.  You know the fair weather friend types.  I have a few people in my life, for whom I have done a lot, right now I feel like I am barely keeping my shit together and they do not even know.  I get that we all have our own shit going on, but why now when I could really use a friend does no one actually have the time?  Makes me wanna delete twitter and facebook and just become recluse.

This is just me ranting, wondering if things will ever get better.  Maybe tomorrow the light will dawn and I will feel more positive.  Right now I could use a miracle, or at least a large amount of alcohol and one of those ugly cry till you can’t anymore dronk verdriet moments.

I have weathered so many storms, and lived through so many rainbows, but right now dancing in the rain just sounds like too much work.

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