So today, this Tuesday morning, I am caught between feeling queasy and panicked and despondent and numb. Interesting variation I am sure. Thing is I am a bit panicked about the fact that we move in three weeks, great awesome, cannot freaking wait! BUT, D is still not working, the guy who’s business he was meant to be running is not providing the support he promised, so that is pretty much dead in the water. In blatant terms, he is not providing an income, which means my less than extravagant earnings are our sole source of money. See panic. Then despondent and numb cos, well frankly I am not sure how much more I can give here before I reach breaking point. I send out dozens of CV’s and applications etc for D every day, he stays home and watches TV. I don’t know whether to scream at him or just say, you know guy, this right here, this is not what I had planned for my life, either fix it or go away. That probably sounds harsh, but right now I am broke, frustrated and genuinely tired. I leave home at 5:30am to get home for around 6:30pm and do any and all freelance work I can get my hands on as well.
I may sound very petty for my moaning, but seriously, I am so angry that I don’t get to have relaxed time with my children, I hate that I never have any money for myself even though I work freaking hard for what I get, it kills me that though I need a new car that is pie in the sky since I have amassed huge amounts of debt keeping us afloat through D’s unemployment and my car needing repairs etc. I miss employed D, the guy who valued his time with me, the guy who had a sense of purpose. Yeah he was great, I wanted to marry that guy. Unemployed D, maybe not so much.
To his credit here, it is not really his fault he is battling to find employment, the bulk of his work experience is in a family owned business. For some reason this equates to him being unable to cope in the corporate world, which for the record is crap. His family lost their business when his dad committed suicide, his mother lost interest and squandered the inheritance and so the business, house, cars etc all had to go. He managed to survive in the corporate world until he was unfairly dismissed in August last year. I just freaking wish with all that I am, that someone would give him a chance. He works hard, when he does, and is loyal, almost to a fault. Honestly, without trying to pretend love conquers all, I am just not sure anymore how long our relationship is likely to last under current conditions. It’s not even about having nice things, it’s about surviving right now.
So despite constantly fighting the urge to either kill someone or cry till I just can’t anymore, things are ok.
Work carries on regardless, people need information, I need a salary. Favoritism is still rife, seems being the only person not of colour means I am the only one who needs to be held accountable for my actions. I am actually past the point of letting it be an issue right now. Can’t be bothered to waste energy caring.
My mother has been oddly nice of late, not totally going off at me and even her passive aggressive behavior seems to have lessened. Odd but it does make the next three weeks a lot easier. Once the move is over I can just ignore her existence. It is what I need for my own sanity.
There is so much joy and happiness around me right now, so many new beginnings, so many reasons to smile. Yet here I sit, I feel like life is happening without my participation as I watch it go by. I am just a bystander for now, unless or until something jolts me to participate.