Today…

So today, this Tuesday morning, I am caught between feeling queasy and panicked and despondent and numb.  Interesting variation I am sure.  Thing is I am a bit panicked about the fact that we move in three weeks, great awesome, cannot freaking wait!  BUT, D is still not working, the guy who’s business he was meant to be running is not providing the support he promised, so that is pretty much dead in the water.  In blatant terms, he is not providing an income, which means my less than extravagant earnings are our sole source of money.  See panic.  Then despondent and numb cos, well frankly I am not sure how much more I can give here before I reach breaking point.  I send out dozens of CV’s and applications etc for D every day, he stays home and watches TV.  I don’t know whether to scream at him or just say, you know guy, this right here, this is not what I had planned for my life, either fix it or go away.  That probably sounds harsh, but right now I am broke, frustrated and genuinely tired.  I leave home at 5:30am to get home for around 6:30pm and do any and all freelance work I can get my hands on as well.

I may sound very petty for my moaning, but seriously, I am so angry that I don’t get to have relaxed time with my children, I hate that I never have any money for myself even though I work freaking hard for what I get, it kills me that though I need a new car that is pie in the sky since I have amassed huge amounts of debt keeping us afloat through D’s unemployment and my car needing repairs etc.  I miss employed D, the guy who valued his time with me, the guy who had a sense of purpose.  Yeah he was great, I wanted to marry that guy.  Unemployed D, maybe not so much.

To his credit here, it is not really his fault he is battling to find employment, the bulk of his work experience is in a family owned business.  For some reason this equates to him being unable to cope in the corporate world, which for the record is crap.  His family lost their business when his dad committed suicide, his mother lost interest and squandered the inheritance and so the business, house, cars etc all had to go.  He managed to survive in the corporate world until he was unfairly dismissed in August last year.  I just freaking wish with all that I am, that someone would give him a chance.  He works hard, when he does, and is loyal, almost to a fault.  Honestly, without trying to pretend love conquers all, I am just not sure anymore how long our relationship is likely to last under current conditions.  It’s not even about having nice things, it’s about surviving right now.

So despite constantly fighting the urge to either kill someone or cry till I just can’t anymore, things are ok. 

Work carries on regardless, people need information, I need a salary.  Favoritism is still rife, seems being the only person not of colour means I am the only one who needs to be held accountable for my actions.  I am actually past the point of letting it be an issue right now.  Can’t be bothered to waste energy caring.

My mother has been oddly nice of late, not totally going off at me and even her passive aggressive behavior seems to have lessened.  Odd but it does make the next three weeks a lot easier.  Once the move is over I can just ignore her existence.  It is what I need for my own sanity.

There is so much joy and happiness around me right now, so many new beginnings, so many reasons to smile.  Yet here I sit, I feel like life is happening without my participation as I watch it go by.  I am just a bystander for now, unless or until something jolts me to participate.

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4 thoughts on “Today…

  1. I can feel the pain , I have been in this situation as well . Sadly I had to leave my man , and return home to my sons where I am now living alone. One Question …. and I know its a hard one for you… Can you Afford to move now ? Its going to be a lot of extra costs. Rent , Electricity … that is a huge dent in the pocket . I wish I can offer words of comfort , but its a hard life we are living in now. Best of luck.

  2. Thanks for your comment 🙂

    We can afford to move yes, my sister will be staying in the flat on our premises, and between her contribution and my earnings we will survive. Life will not be lavish and luxuries will not exist for a while but we would have all we NEED. For now, that is enough.

    I think my biggest frustration is not that he isn’t earning, more that he seems to have given up the will to fight.

    Can only hope this is just a bump in the road!

  3. Gosh we wouldnt eat if we had to live on my salary! So I would push my hubby out the door to be a car guard or something!

    I cant imagine the stress!!!

    LOL mother issues – I know them well 🙂

  4. Yeah Laura, I am on the brink, I actually told a recruitment agent that I don’t care if he has to groom sheep on Mars, as long as he is working.

    Mother issues are kak, no easy way to say it 😦

    BTW was really lovely to meet you 🙂

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