I have a serious case of the sads this morning, D and I had a HUGE fight last night. The worst fight we have ever had. It is the only time ever that he has told me he was going to leave. Reality hit me hard when the thought of not having him around occurred. It wasn’t about shared cell phone contracts and debt and a new house, it wasn’t about the thought of having to look after the kids alone, not even the thought of being single again that got me. What made me physically ache was the idea of not laughing with him, not being able to put my head on his chest, not having him to roll his eyes at my being totally OCD. The thought of not having him made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
This brings me to the next point which also has me feeling a little sad. When did I, woman of fierce cynicism and independence, allow myself to need someone? I have relished in the fact that I have never needed anyone before. Sure it hurt when we fought. And yes, break ups past were awful, but never because of the prospect of not having that person in my life, it was rather the way the break ups came to be as opposed to the ending of said relationships. I have always been able to get my own shit together and had the stubbornness to carry on despite the world waiting with baited breath for me to fall apart.
Now I find myself terrified at the prospect of not having D around *shock*. I actually had a nightmare about him leaving and woke up and I couldn’t breathe. Have I grown up? Does this mean it is in fact the real deal? Or is old age making me soft? All I do now is this vulnerable feeling is totally new to me, and I am not convinced I like it.
I guess it is important to say that D did not in fact pack up his stuff and leave me a snotty mess on my own. I cried, we talked, for whatever reason, cos God help me I don’t know why, he really does love me and he promised he would never leave me. He said he is nothing without me and that our life is everything he has ever wanted and just so much more. I felt the need to cling to him the whole night just to be sure he stayed put, wow, seeing that in black and white made me throw up in my mouth a little. I am not the happiness and rainbows and forever type, although, that seems to have changed.
At this very moment there is so much affecting our attempt at a relationship. The MIL has been offered a job at a luxury lodge in the Kwa-Zulu Natal Midlands, she is just dragging her feet about getting there and all the stuff she needs. I just hope she gets her shit together and accepts it will take time to start over from scratch and that by this time next week she will be a cosy 400km away.
My mother, as always, is just plain difficult, she has something to say about everything, and these days is seldom right. *Sigh* When is it march? I find myself wishing my life away right now, wanting some time in the future and then feel awful for not living in the now, not noticing my kids as much as I could and maybe just daydreaming a little too much. I need us to be in our own house, I need my space or I fear my sanity and our relationship will not survive.
I have never been one to take the easy way out, in fact I seem permanently intent on doing everything the hard way. Right now I would sell a kidney for a bit of the easier. I feel like the fight within me is dying. Is it really too much to want just a little peace?