I’m only human after all….

I am not perfect.  I am not even close to being perfect.  I am flawed.  I am guilty.  I am me as only I have made me.  I have done wrong and I have been wronged.  My heart has been broken and I am certain I have broken a few myself.  I have hurt.  I have fought.  I have loved.  I have feared.  I have trusted and I have refused to trust.  I have been naïve and I have been cynical.  I am just me.  Just this person.  Just human.  A blip on the radar.  I never claimed to be perfect, or even right.  I feel as you do, I deal differently.  I ask only that I be left to blunder my own destiny. 

I wish my sister would either stop reading my blog or just back off.  This is the comment she posted on one of my posts which I chose to trash, but on having reconsidered things am going to share;

“Let me remind you that this is a blog, in cyberspace, open for all and sundry.  Not exactly what I would call “private space”. You want private space, get a diary.

You always paint everyone but yourself in bad light, conveniently forgetting to mention what you have said and done to create the tension between you and mom. You hide your true self from everyone, including yourself.

I did not “show” mom your blog, I mentioned it, and mom would never be able to find it with the alias you go by.

I am sick and tired of the drama you seem to constantly need to surround yourself in.

Get over yourself sista, seriously, your drama is getting old.”

This folks from my older sister who for the record I have not spoken to for longer than about fifteen minutes in about six months, our last meaningful conversation happened around March 2009 when I moved from Cape Town back to Joburg.

I will not argue her having a right to her opinion, frankly that would make me a hypocrite, and for all I am and am not, that is a no go.  My point here is, I NEVER claimed to be blame free, never said I had done nothing wrong, I was just expressing my feelings.  I have checked over, and again to be sure, to see if at any point I claimed my blog to be forensically factual, I have yet to see such a disclaimer so feel compelled to ask, “We all know this blog is about how *I* feel and think etc.  Right?”  Good, glad we got that out of the way.

So here I go, an attempt at addressing this comment, point by point.  Though I think I have handled the point of this being *my* blog already.

I always paint everyone but myself in a bad light.  Well now.  Let me have a look see, nope, nothing.  No gratuitous, “look at me”, “I am fucking marvelous” anywhere, go figure eh?  I hide my true self from everyone including myself.  An interesting bit of psycho analysis from someone who has not physically seen me in months.  I know who I am.  Sometimes  am as bold as to think, in fleeting moments mind you, that I quite like who I am.  I know what matters to me and what doesn’t as well as who matters and who doesn’t.  I have never backed down from a mistake I have made, sure there was some ugly mud slinging, name calling and buck passing along the way, but, and it is a BIG but, I never shirked my responsibility, and took full consequences, hard as it was at times, and got up and tried again.

She did not “show” my mother my blog, she only mentioned it.  Ironically, when I called her for some sisterly advice, she claimed to not want to get involved, said both my mother and I had issues and it needed sorting out from both sides.  Why then, for the love of God WHY?!!!  Add fuel to the fire by “mentioning” my blog to her?  Ah but then this is me being dramatic again *sigh*

Let me get this out, once and for all ok?  I have fucked up, many times, in many ways, and have hurt many people in so doing.  I have lied and cheated and stolen.  I have blamed and name called and been a real brat.  Yes, I have done things that would make you cringe and probably throw rocks were you ever to see me in the streets.

I concede, for many years, I was ill equipped to make the right choice or to do

the right thing.  I have fallen, I have gotten back up.  I have bumps and bruises and battle scars to prove I made the mistake.  I have love, my children, a fiancé who would die for me and friends who are like angels to show me I have learned from my mistakes.

I blame no one but myself for all that I am.  I have learned my lessons, always the hard way.  I am still working toward one day being someone I can be at peace with, I am always learning, always moving and never giving up.

I ask only now for the forgiveness I have given those who have wronged me and the space to bump my head and mould myself.  If you have nothing positive to add, please, I will ask again, leave.  Don’t read my blog.  Leave me be.

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4 thoughts on “I’m only human after all….

  1. I feel you. I do. What some people – especially those that we are ranting about in our blog – fail to see is that we are not writing about the sole facts but about our emotions. I have this in my recent blog post as well. A conversation on the phone. My parents surely do not intent to hurt my by saying “Sorry, I cannot help you with that. So bye”. Because they are right. They cannot. But what I feel when hearing that is “Sorry, I do not want to talk about your problem. I do not have time for you.”
    So sorry Mom, sorry Dad. I am not telling the stories in my blog objectively. It might seem twisted to you because I talk about what affected ME. Not you.
    You see … I truly understand where you are coming from.
    But. Do not let your sister push you into such a defensive corner. You wrote subjectively and with emotions. Good for you. If your sister fails to see that, well, tell her in a post like that. But going through each argument she throws into your direction and attempting to “clarify” it does not make it better. What I am reading at the end of your post is the attempt to proof that your posts are objectively right. And they are not. They cannot be if you did not show both sides of the story. It does not mean you do not have a right to post how you experienced it and how you feel about it. By all means – do exactly that. But trying to argue that your view is “right” reads like the thoughts of a teenager that fights her parents grounding her for a reason she does not want to accept. Don’t let your family do this to you, push you back into the behaviour we had when we were younger. Just write emotionally and stand by what it is: Your feelings about a situation.

    • @Varotica First, thank you for taking the time to reply in depth. I agree with what you are saying in that yes, I should be able to write subjectively and with emotion, this is my space, my reaction to things going on and my way of just dealing with my shit.

      I do not, however feel like I am trying to prove myself objective, this is a personal blog, each “defense” I wrote was in fact subjective. There is not a person on this planet who is harder on me than myself.

      Interestingly enough, after she had read my blog my sister and I got into an email war, she attacked me and named called etc, and I chose not to fight back. I stood by the fact that this is my space and wished her well. To which end I received an apology this morning, so in truth, just being form in my feelings and beliefs solved this particualr niggle.

      Let’s see how long that lasts though…

  2. Congratulations on resolving this issue. Even if a similar one pops up again. That’s just life I guess.
    And this is exactly what I meant. There is no need for you to get all defensive about every tiny bit she writes. You might both be right here because it is how you experience it. She fails to see this is emotional and subjective but you should consider that her comment is subjective and emotional too.

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