In which, I purge

So I shall do my happy dance here, we have been told our little (not really little but bear with me) house will be ours as at the second weekend in March, can anyone say YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!  I cannot wait to be out of my mother’s house, I cannot wait to not live in permanent hostility and I seriously cannot wait to live according to my plans and only have to live up to my standards.  Slap me and call me Susan, I am THAT excited!!!

In other news, living with both the mother and mother-in-law is becoming a superb challenge.  I get told how to do everything, down to how I should fold shirts, they are my shirts, it should be my choice, right?  Anyhoo, after our huge fight over the weekend the MIL has now taken to ignoring me, this apparently if her withdrawing to avoid conflict, well according to D anyway.  I feel the need to add here that she chats to my mother ad nausium and follows her around like a lost puppy, pathetic, really childish and sadly so ridiculous it must be true.

I am just putting my head down and focusing on what I need to do.  Looking at areas that were deemed challenges at work, doing some freelance make-up stuff (please hit me up if you need make-up for an event or a make-up lesson I could use all the spare cash right now) and my daughter starting Grade 1 any day now.  Also, I must make more of an effort to learn to say no this year.  I give too much too easily and usually this ends badly only for me, so for my sanity it must end.

Right now I honestly feel like my mother and MIL are consuming my life, every argument, conversation and resolution centres around them.  I hate that I have given them that power and cannot wait to be able to snatch it away like a shiny play thing, I have had enough!  This is my life dammit, and I can’t help but wonder this; if I am truly so damned awful, why do I have a fiancé and awesome friends who love me?  See?  So wah mother, you prophet of doom and nay sayer, I have love, in abundance, from the awesomest of people, so wah!

D and I are really wanting to have our wedding this year and it kills me right down to the bottom of my soul that the only thing standing in our way is money L  We have found the best venue at a great price but neither of us has the R8000.00 deposit, nor do I think we could raise it in time.  Clearly neither of us have parents to help out either, my mother has dubbed a wedding a waste of money.  Go figure, in her mind I do not deserve a fairy tale, heck if she had her way I’d be alone living under a bridge somewhere I am sure.  I would love to have a pretty wedding, to be the centre of attention and to have an album of pictures to look fondly at with my grandchildren one day.  Sadly.  It is most likely not going to happen.

The Squish is FINALLY walking, at the ripe old age of 18 months, now he is busier than ever and obsessed with shoes, which makes me think he may well be my kid after all J  Monster is getting so tall now, reckon in 4 or so years he will be taller than me, and I am not exactly short ftr.  Princess is super excited to be going to big school and asks daily how long till she can go, bless her.

My family ie D and the kids, make me so proud and so happy, I cannot wait to share my space with only these precious people.  That, right now, is my idea of heaven.

I know I will look back on now and be ok with having left this in the past.  I have always believed in ending toxic relationships if they are bad for you, my question is, can one ever really end a relationship with a parent?  Is it better to walk away entirely or should I allow the cycle of we fight, we don’t talk for months, we start talking, things are ok, we co-exist for a bit, things start to build and we’re right back at fighting.  I don’t hate my mother, I no longer blame her for what is wrong with my life, though I did for the longest time, I suggested therapy, she refused, I just find the whole back and forth exhausting.  She resents me because I got involved with the wrong guy who was a crack head and stole a whole lot of her stuff, funny how she fails to feel any sympathy for the fact that he stole all my stuff and nearly killed me and totally messed up my life, she resents me for being “my father’s child”, I will never be one of my siblings, and she can never take back the fact, that on so many levels, she failed me as a mother.

The real question is does it matter?  Do I continue to live in hope that one day I may actually earn her approval/love or do I cut my losses, close the chapter and move on with my life?  Can one ever really end the relationship with a parent?

*sigh*

Clearly this year has not started on the best note, but I tell you, the best thing about hitting the bottom is that there is only one way left to go, and that’s up!

This year will be my bitch, you just wait and see!

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4 thoughts on “In which, I purge

  1. The way that i see the situation with your mother is that, sadly, you will never be completely rid of her. even if you wanted to be, your kids should be able to choose whether they have contact with granny or not. keep her at an arm’s length and that way when times are bad, they’re not as explosive and when things are ok you can take it at face value. of course, it’ll be easier to do this when you’re not under the same roof anymore… so bring on the new house! 🙂

  2. Sad thing is, and what hurts me more than her being evil to me, is she treats my kids poorly. She constantly yells, even at Squish who is just a baba really. He is 18 months old and screaming is his only way to express frustration, and she screams at him for it.

    She constantly goes on about how the older two don’t listen and are naughty etc and then speaks to my niece on the phone is is syrupy sweet. Makes me sick actually.

    We have gone six months without speaking, and in that time, not once did she want to see the kids, nor did they ask for her. Reckon we may survive a little longer without having her around this time.

    Eh. I hate this. I have no more energy to direct at it.

    Is it March yet?

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