Like a Jackson Pollock canvas I am…

Life is funny, not like funny haha, but funny all the same.  It comes and goes, like the ebb and flow of the tides.  You have extreme highs and extreme lows, and times when you seem just to exist, without much of either.

Right now I feel like I am living in that existence, yet, because its my nature and all that, I instead of just existing, because that would be too easy right?  I am having an existential crisis.  I live in a permanent state of existential anxiety.  I find myself asking why D doesn’t seem to appreciate me as much as other guys seem to appreciate their significant others.  How come he never tries to kiss me or hug me at random?  Why don’t we have sex more?

Like really?  I do not know what is wrong with me.  Can I not be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW, for a certainty that I love the guy, that for most moments of the day I don’t want to squash him like a bug, and that to be totally fair, he puts up with a LOT of crap from me.  I know this, because there have been moments when I see it, as if from an out of body perspective.  There is me shrilly screeching about how he ALWAYS uses my towel, and FFS he has his own!!  Imagine foot stamping and dirty looks, like seriously the whole nine yards.  And he stands and watches this mad person, who, for whatever reason he loves, with this pained look on his face, as if waiting for the madness to pass.  He never fights back, he has never even raised his voice to me.  He just listens.  And waits.  And, for the most part, unduly, apologises for not being more considerate.  It is in these moments that self doubt creeps in.  How could he love me when I am such a bitch?

Funny thing is he does.  Funny things is I could not imagine not being with him.  I have NEVER allowed myself to depend on anyone for anything, well not past childhood anyway.  I find myself questioning everything about our relationship because I have realized I need him around, and that, more than anything ever has, scares the bejesus out of me.

Then there are the kids, a rather large slice of my every day.  Seems Princess is slightly and disturbingly preoccupied with death these days.  At the most inappropriate moments she shares her thoughts on the matter.  Walking through Pick n Pay, and she sees a sweet old lady half lying in her trolley, half pushing it.  And this little voice, from this sweet little face interjects the peace of Sunday afternoon with, “She’s pretty old mommy, I bet she’s gonna die soon.  Do all people go to heaven when they die mommy?  Do you think if she used to fight with her brother when she was little she’ll go to hell like Monster said I would?”  Insert evil glare from passers by and my mortification.  Try and explain to a hyper intelligent six year old that this is a conversation best kept for home.  This child of mine, she looks and thinks too much like me for her own good, I have a feeling when she hits teenage years, I am in for hell.

The boys somehow seem less work.  As long as they are clothed, fed (very important for growing boys) and entertained, you don’t hear much from them.  Monster is currently loving the idea of becoming a pro golfer, I reckon long as he’s good and can make the kinda money Tiger Woods makes, why not?  I get he is not so much an academic as he is creative and sporty and I would hate to be one of those mothers who kills his dreams with expected the impossible where school is concerned.  That said, he won the class speech contest on Friday *proudness*  His speech was about his hamster, Houdini, named well since the little bugger continues to escape his cage.

The Squish on the other hand, oh boy.  I am not that child’s mother.  I am merely the vessel he used to get here.  He is his father’s child through and through.  It is scary how similar the two of them are.  They frown the same, sleep the same and have the same ability to melt my heart.  Though their nicknames are shithead and little shithead, with good reason.  They both demand attention and get very sulky when they don’t get it.  Ah well, each member of my less than typical family adds something very important to it, and honestly, cringe worthy moments aside, I wouldn’t change anything, my kids are so going to be great adults one day, you just watch!

I have applied for a job in Durban too.  It is without doubt a HUGE step.  But I am giving it to the Universe, if I get the job ( at a much better salary ps) then that is where I  am meant to be, and how this is meant to happen.  Plus I like the sea, I loved living in CT and I think it could well work out.  But I haven’t had any feedback yet, and honestly have nothing to lose either way, so right now I am not letting it bug me too much.

I am not scared, I am just not sure about my future, which is a challenge for a control freak like myself.  I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and how that will make me feel.  For now I shall continue to dwell in my mind, I like it here, they know me J


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