Fill her up with faith please…

I am not generally one to spout clichés and carry on about shit I really don’t believe. If you want to win an argument against me, never bring religion or any other variable into it. Fight me with facts, fight me with common sense and fight me with intelligence or seriously, don’t bother.

Right now though, its life’s little clichés that are getting me through. Life has taken another interesting twist, D lost his job. It sounds so silly to type it like that, not like he lost his car keys or lost his glasses, this is not something he can simply find again. To be more accurate, he made a stupid mistake while under a lot of pressure and was fired as a result of being rather poorly represented at his hearing.

He is shattered. He feels useless and incapable of supporting us. And truth be told, I don’t know how to help. I am not a very sympathetic person on the best of days. In fact, unless you are my child, don’t even expect it in any form. You are more likely to get a “shit happens” than an “I’m sorry, are you ok?” Life is too short to waste kinder emotions on those who don’t deserve them. In all fairness, I earned my cynic badge the hard way, so don’t judge.

We had to give up our beautiful little house in Midrand, and move back in with my mom in Boksburg, which for me is hard, my mom and I have a complex relationship, and living together has never been easy. But, I am putting my feelings aside, plastering a smile on my face and saying things like, “You’re never given more than you can handle baby.” “Every time a door closes, another one opens.” “Everything happens for a reason” I see the value in these ideas, I truly do. But at the core of me is logic, is the truth that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

So I try to be supportive while urging him to do something about it. I try not to nag him while reminding him that this is not the time to give up. I have plans for our life, I have hopes, and dreams and none of that will happen if we have to live on my meager salary.

For now I feel as though I am living in suspended animation, trying to get used to leaving home before the sun even peeps over the horizon to get to Sandton on time, trying not to freak about going from doing 30km a day to now doing 120, trying to be a good fiancé, a good mother, a good daughter and sister and trying to do my job.

I am freaking exhausted, but for now I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and that in time I will look back on this and laugh.


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