Now and then

For whatever reason I have always found writing a lot harder when I am happy or at peace. There seems somehow to be less I need to express.

I can do happy, I can laugh out loud and I can smile and make jokes and live my happiness. I cannot live my negative emotions. I cannot sulk or shout in anger or lash out and be that person.

That is why I write through my frustrations. I write my sadness, I write my fear and anger, because it seems to offer the same relief without the same physical repercussions.

I spent some time reading some things I wrote while going through my last gut wrenching break up. I find myself wishing me now, could tell me then, that it was all worth it and that it would get better. I no longer feel that pain, but it is there, in those words, the words which help me understand why I am who I am now, why I want what I want now and why without a doubt there is nowhere I would rather be than right here and right now.

The break up in question really broke me, like literally left me questioning my value and the value of everything around me. Left me face down in a puddle of snot on my bathroom floor every night for at least a month. Made me lose sight of what really mattered, forced me to catch a wake up eventually by slamming into a solid brick wall.

I had been chatting to Geekguy online for the better part of two years, we fell in love, I packed up and moved myself and the cherubs to Cape Town in the hopes of happy families and riding off together into the sunset. Within a month we had broken up. Two weeks later, when I peed on a stick, there were two lines. To cut a long story short, he insisted termination, I refused, he left, I cried, he made me the bad guy for wanting to keep my baby, I hated him, we fought, we name called, he threatened to sue for custody, he asked for custody, I got my balls back, he accused me of using the baby as a weapon, I thought I was having a miscarriage, I was called a liar, we fought some more, he blamed me, I blamed him, I starting chatting more to D, I stopped caring so much what he thought, I stopped hurting and became determined to have my third baby and make something of my life, I moved back to Joburg, D and I fell hard and fast, Geekguy faded until a week before my due date, Geekguy was told to disappear, Geekguy signed over all rights to my Squishy, Squishy won the daddy jackpot when D stood up and claimed him as his own.

Today my Squish is 14 months old, D and I are engaged, and we’re working toward that “happily ever after” One step at a time. Its not easy, but so far it has all been worth it.

Where I was then and where I am now are two different worlds occupied by two different people. Yet I remain eternally grateful for that world and that girl, as they have made me who I am now, and right now I am kinda liking who I am 


2 thoughts on “Now and then

  1. wow. your story just gives me goosebumps. and yeah. relationships are hard. parenting is hard. doing the two simultaneously is even harder.

    as for whether happily ever after exists – sometimes it’s hard to believe. it’s also equally hard to disbelieve that all this hard work is for nothing – so there must be something on the other side of this hill, right?

  2. Parenting is hard, but the rewards, the “I love you mommy” moments, their faces when they are excited and their calmness when they are asleep is your reward 🙂 Each one of my three children is a part of me, and I could never imagine not loving them.

    The grown up, big people, responsible, not selfish totally committed love is my challenge. I love D, I am in love with D, but there are moments I could throttle him. Moments when I think being alone is easier, but then I cannot, hard as I try imagine my life without him now.

    I figure no one grows when they are complacent, it takes hardships and challenges to build character. The hill has to peak at some point and will be followed by a downhill, I look forward to it, but am kinda liking the process of being thrown outside of my comfort zone, makes me realise I seldom give myself enough credit 😉

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